Unconfirmed Spoilers About The Sopranos Series Finale

Sometimes I get e-mails from moles in the entertainment industry.

In the past, some confidential tips have been 100% legitimate (see Mr. Six and the major media press that followed). Other times, the tips result in mediocre spoilers that rile up the geekdom of the Intranut.

But with only one week to go until the series finale of HBO’s The Sopranos, and a suspicious-looking mole providing me inside deets from the David Chase organization — I couldn’t let it pass me by without at least posting them here.

  • Tony Soprano, having had most of his New Jersey crew killed, has nothing left but his family. And so, in the series finale, he decides to contact his government contact and sell out Phil and the rest of his bunch. The result, the Sopranos (as a family) go into hiding and start a new life.
  • Tony Soprano kills Paulie as a last ditch effort to remove that blabbering fool from the equation, so he can’t tell anyone where Tony and his family have gone. I.e., witness relocation program.
  • The ducks, which appeared in the first season of The Sopranos and started living in Tony’s pool will return in the series finale — this time Tony will capture one overcome by illness and keep it as a pet, nurturing it back to health. This plot point will show Tony’s full character arc and reveal the compassion hidden within.
  • Contrary to popular buzz, Tony will not be killed in the final episode. In fact, he will have his own climactic brawl with nemesis Phil (harkening back to the time he lost a physical brawl with Bobby and felt worthless because of it) and kick Phil’s ass back to the stone age. This will give Tony the opportunity to feel confident about his power, enough so, that he won’t feel the need to flex it anymore, thus tying into the original “leaving town, witness relocation program” scenario.
  • Anthony Soprano, Jr., who attempted to kill himself once already in the latest season, will find the overwhelming stress to be too much — and will finally succeed in offing himself just as his father has made the arrangements to get the entire family out of town and into a safe haven. This will rock Tony to the core, and leave him with an uncertain emotional future that he will have to deal with on his own.
  • Dr. Melfi, distraught over having been encouraging Tony’s violent behavior as a cause of her psychological assistance, will quit the profession and go after her dream of becoming a writer. In the last few moments of the series finale she will begin her opus, a fictional account of a mob boss named Sonny Caprano.
  • Meadow, unsure and unhappy with her trajectory in her professional life (and even more frustrated about being dragged into witness relocation) finds herself without any direction whatsoever in life. Tony, having seen a commercial on TV in the series finale about local Carvel ice cream franchises, will offer Meadow the opportunity to open her own soft-serve ice cream store when they’re settled in their new home. Meadow, of course, throws it back in her father’s face — unappreciative to the max.
  • Uncle Junior, out of money (supposedly), will find out that Tony knew where Uncle Junior hid all his millions of dollars — and stole it right from under him right before the family went M.I.A.. Junior will be sent to a city-owned facility, where he will be left and forgotten.
  • Tony admits to Carmela, once and for all, that Adriana was killed after aligning herself with the feds. Carmela is conflicted by this news until Adriana shows up — seems that she wasn’t killed after all. Once again, yet another screw up by Tony’s crew, which dovetails with him killing Paulie in this series finale — because Tony can’t trust anyone but his own family.
  • Tony’s sister Janice, now without a husband and with two kids to raise, sells off Bobby’s toy trains on eBay.
  • Upon hearing about Tony’s leaving town, a group of the Bada Bing strippers chip in and buy him a plaque that reads, “World’s Greatest Boss.” They also get one huge big card and everyone signs it with humorous goodbye messages.

While most of these seem pretty legitimate, we’ll have to wait until Sunday for the actual results.