A List of Five Imaginary Friends I Wish I Had As A Kid
June 1st, 2007
As a child, I didn’t have imaginary friends.
My other friends did. But their imaginary friends left something to be desired. Most of them had little personality, cutesy names that they can’t even utter these days because they’re so cute, and (much like a robot dog) a limited list of things they could do. I.e., they could sit at a table and participate in a tea party, or pretend to be hungry at the dinner table and hang out in your desk at school, but that was about it.
That’s why I’d like to officially present to you a list of five imaginary friends I wish I had as a kid.
- Hector Iniglio (32): Wildly opinionated, loves to speak in fluent Spanish even though you don’t even know the language. Has two kids (Emilio and Stacey) that he’s wildly proud of. Also owns the kind of switchblade that’s called a “butterfly knife.” The kind that you can flip wildly back and forth, open and closed — thus freaking out anyone who wants “some of it.” Well, Hector could be your protector… And Hector could be your wingman… But mostly, Hector just likes to kick it. He’s also good at repairing motorcycles.
- Lacey Chabert (25): No relation to the actress from Party of Five. Lacey is a quirky imaginary friend, who loves olives. Seriously, go to a restaurant and all she wants to do is go up to the bar and get a free shot glass filled with olives. She’s also very open — she’ll tell you what’s on her mind no matter what it is. No matter what time it is. She’s that imaginary friend that keeps you up at night with her thoughts about the Universe and spandex shorts. She loves the rag mags. And loves melting cheese on things that normally don’t sound good with melted cheese on top…like cookies, cheesecake, peanut butter and ice. She’s pretty, by the way, in a homely sort of way.
- Captain Oolong (64): Gruff, annoyed at everything, and mostly because he was never a Captain of one darn thing. So then why the Captain title? Don’t ask him or you’re bound to hear an earfull. When you’ve plied him with grain alcohol or milk and cookies — you’ll hear about his “supposed adventures” in Viet Nam, the Burmuda Triangle and Skokie, Illinois. If you get caught or trapped in a particularly shoddy couch fort, he’ll be there to pull you out. But mostly, he just wants to be a Captain of anything, and will try (through you, of course) to control each and every game of four square and Magic: The Gathering as possible. And can you blame him, really? He doesn’t got much time left to live.
- Derek Styles (21): Attractive, well-coiffed college graduate who was a total ladies man when he was on the prowl at Harvard U. Now, he’s got a job at a highly-regarded Wall Street firm and he’s making seven figures a year. And yes, he’s also moonlighting as your imaginary friend after hours. That’s the problem with Derek. He’s all ME ME ME ME ME. He’s not the best choice for an imaginary friend due to the fact that he only shows up when he wants to show up and when he’s not shorting shares or building portfolios or buying drinks for metropolitan career gals at the local hot club or bar. But at the same time, with all his negatives, there’s one great thing about having him as an imaginary friend — popularity by association. Between the stock tips, the awesome stories about life in Gotham and his ability to warm up a room in a second flat — he’s the kind of guy you need in P.E. or homeroom. He also has the newest Blackberry, fyi — and he’s getting the Apple iPhone early through some contacts of his.
- Emileen the Fairy (Ageless): She’s a fairy. From a far away land. She flies, sprinkles pixie dust (even though she’s a fairy and not a pixie), and knows more about The Brady Bunch than any other person you know. Ask her how much money those Brady kids found in that wallet out back in the old lot and she’ll tell you “eleven hundred dollars.” Ask her what the kids called themselves on that singing show to win money to buy their parents an anniversary gift and she’ll break out “the Silver Platters.” Ask her what happened to Bobby after he saved a cat from a sooty-old building and she’ll tell you about how he “overflowed the washing machine with soap suds.” Ask her about life, the world she comes from or magic and she’ll ask you to ask her about The Brady Bunch again. Fortunately, she has all the DVDs so you’ll be able to watch along with her with morbid fascination.
