This Year’s Newly Picked Up TV Pilots Have Taught Me Alot About Life

Having seen a slew of new TV pilots that were picked up by networks, and which will start airing this Fall — I realized that each of them taught me something extremely important about life. For example:

The CW’s Reaper: Always ask your parents, at regular intervals, if they ever sold your soul to the devil, promised your soul to the devil, suggested soul-bartering with the devil, or generally were on speaking terms with the devil. If said parents deny having any connections with the devil (or selling your soul to the red-faced dude) it’s always worth trying “the wake-up & ask” — where you sneak into your parents room, and whisper the question, “Did you sell my soul to the devil, per chance?” Parents are usually pretty honest when they’re woken up from a deep sleep.

NBC’s The Bionic Woman: If someone’s filming you in the passenger seat of a car, with the camera facing the passenger side window, and there you are talking to the person filming you in the passenger side of the car, with the world whizzing by in the window just behind you… It usually means, that sometime very soon, a semi is going to smash into the passenger side of the car. This was also seen on Alias and the recent feature Disturbia so I can only imagine all these auteurs are trying to tell us something about sitting in the passenger seat while someone films us. Oh, and also: if you can get a bionic implant, do it. It makes you really confident.

ABC’s Pushing Daisies: This show, about a guy who is able to touch dead people and bring them back to life for one minute so he can help solve their murders, has a day job making pies. Because, apparently, superpowers like that allow you to keep fruit fresh. Or revive moldy pieces of the same fruity goodness. Which convinces me of one very important life lesson. If you have a superpower, your day job should be as mundane as possible, but have hidden allegorical potential. Invisible? Work in the DMV. Fast as a speeding bullet? Copy-mart manager. Able to pass through walls? Huge hedge maze coordinator.

NBC’s Journeyman: A show about a time-travelling regular ‘ol Joe who periodically blacks out and wakes up in a different time. And he keeps telling people he’s doing it. Which they don’t believe. So he’s got to go to fatiguing lengths to prove it. Which just goes to show you — if you’re traveling through time…keep it to yourself. Even if you met Lincoln, keep it to yourself. Even if a dinosaur bit off your left arm and you had to replace it with a wet piece of steak — keep. it. to. your. self.

ABC’s Eli Stone: When you’re a lawyer, the constant paperwork makes you loopy enough to see visions. Here, in this legal dramedy, the title character sees George Michael singing “Faith” over and over again until he decides to make a change. Think back to Ally McBeal — she saw a dancing baby. And Perry Mason? Didn’t he see a piourette’ing doughnut? I guess a word to the wise for those in the legal profession — be prepared for Carly Simon sometime in the near future singing “You’re So Vain.”

CBS’s Big Bang Theory: Two geeks live next door to a hottie. So if you’re a geek, make sure you have an equally-as-geeky roommate. If you’re a hottie, just know that that’s how life works.

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