Words for My Enjoyment

I Want A Friend Who Wears An Eyepatch (But Isn’t A Pirate)

May 24th, 2007

I’ve been thinking about something a lot lately.

How most of my friends (sorry, guys!) just don’t have the kind of panache I am looking for in a friend. The one friend I did have like this worked as a cryptologist for the government and after college had to break all ties with his buddies and disappear “off the grid” so he could do his job. Since he left my life, I don’t have one single friend who has a dangerous job, a kick-ass deformity of some kind or a personality quirk that draws attention from all four corners of the ‘burbs.

I guess that’s why I’ve decided I’d like a friend who wears an eyepatch (but isn’t a pirate).

If you really put some deep, thoughtful thought into the equation, you’ll realize that someone who wears an eyepatch (but is not a pirate) is already kick-ass mysterious. Walk into a room with a friend wearing an eyepatch (who isn’t a pirate) and a friend who just won the lottery and do you know who people are going to want to find out more about?

The non-pirate eyepatch wearing dude, that’s who.

Personally, I know how interested I would be in someone wearing an eyepatch (who wasn’t a pirate). I’d want to know the answers to a slew of questions like, “What happened to your eye?” and “Did someone poke it out?” and “Is there even an eyeball under that patch or is it some kind of shriveled up hole kind of thing?” and “Are you pissed you can’t go see IMAX 3-D movies?” and “If you get pink eye in your one good eye, can you get a kind of pink-socket in your eyeless socket part?” and “When you give someone the evil eye what is your other non-eye doing?” and “Do you watch old Three Stooges movies and cringe when Moe pokes Shemp into both his eyes because you now just how fragile an eye can be and if Moe doesn’t stop Shemp could end up wearing an eyepatch?” and “Is the most annoying thing of wearing an eyepatch because of a medical condition that people often ask you Arrrrrrre You Feeling OK today?”

I could go on and on and on.

Now what about the lottery winner guy? Yeah, so what. The guy won money. There’s not many questions or worthy conversation topics to be had. How’d he win it? Luck. What’s he going to do with it? Probably buy a new car, pay off his debt, a new house, buy presents for the family and sock the rest away? Did he get it all in one lump sum or paid out over 25 years? Lump sum. Done. I don’t even need to talk to the guy.

But the guy who wears an eyepatch (but isn’t a pirate)?

That’s why when I look around at all my friends in my entourage, while I love them all to death and am glad they’re in my life… They’re just not conversation-starter kinds of friends. They haven’t ever killed a person, never been involved in a government conspiracy, never lifted a car off a woman with their adrenaline pumping, never won an eating contest, flew a plane across the Atlantic, jumped off a building, spelunked, or even…worn an eyepatch.

I guess that’s’ why I want a friend who wears an eyepatch (but isn’t a pirate) so badly.

If only there was something like a Match.com mixed with eyepatch wearers, but instead of trying to date someone who wears an eyepatch (but isn’t a pirate), it’d just be a way for eyepatchers (one who wears an eyepatch) and dual-eyers (one who has both eyes) to develop long lasting friendships.

Just a thought.

Posted under Eyepatch, Friends, Not Pirates. |