I Could Be Your Goth, Heavy Metal, Nerdy, Quirky or Jerky Lab Worker On Your New Procedural Network Show
May 20th, 2007
Got a new procedural crime or investigative show hitting the airwaves?
Have a section in said previously aforementioned show where lab workers help the key characters by testing, observing, researching, alluding to, and/or pontificating about complicated liquid, genetic or physical evidence? Need to spice things up on said previously aforementioned procedural crime show by making previously referenced “lab worker” a goth, heavy metal, nerdy, quirky or jerky kind of pop-off-the-page character?
If so, I’m totally, whole-heartedly your man.
God knows, the world of lab testing is capital B, o-r-i-n-g. Standing around in lab coats, leaning over petri dishes, printing out reports, comparing genes and searching for clues can be mind-numbingly bad. It’s probably why most lab workers do their best to break themselves out of the typical hum-drum mold. It’s why most procedural shows hitting the airwaves do their best to incorporate a goth/heavy-metal (N.C.I.S.), nerdy/quirky (C.S.I.) or jerky (Law & Order) lab worker to liven up the scenes.
Well, I could be all those types of lab workers…and much, much more.
While goth is easily accomplished by clothing and make-up, and while heavy-metal is reached by wearing a few pairs of headphones and rockin’ to some Metallica while wearing a concert T — nerdy and quirky are a little bit more “off the beaten path.” Even jerky, is a somewhat debatable personality quirk that some TV producers would be hard pressed to define.
But I’m going to 11 on my lab worker’s deets.
If I was going to be your lab worker on your brand-new, highly-anticipated, extremely smart and mysterious procedural crime show, I would be your “extremely bald, Tourette’s-inflicted, one-leg missing, loves Good n’ Plenty, obsessed with the Black Ops space program, little dwarf” lab worker whose name was simply…Cesar.
You’re already wishing C.S.I. had him, aren’t you.
With every scene I’d be allowed to exist in, I’d make sure that my character both dispensed quality lab worker dialogue while also making sure to incorporate and infuse a bit of my character’s background and personality quirks as well. A scene could, if the writers really embraced my character, go a little something like this:
## ## ##
INT. LAB - DAY
Cesar works diligently, hopping on a stool in place so he can reach the counter-top genetic spinning machine thingy. His boss, the all-business GIL BOGGS walks in, impatient.
GIL: “Where are the results you promised me two hours ago?”
CESAR: “What do I look like, a F***ING miracle worker!? Uh. I didn’t mean to say F***, F***ING IDIOT! Oh, sorry. I’m almost done — it’s just that SH*T, us little people can’t get a break can we GODDAMMIT!”
GIL: “I thought dwarfs didn’t like to be called little people.”
CESAR: “And NASA doesn’t like to be called a waste of the taxpayers money, but they F***ING are! Sheesh, I’m sorry. I can’t control my SUCK IT mouth.”
GIL: “The killer’s DNA. Does it match the evidence from the scene?”
Cesar hops down off the stool, hopping in place in front of Gil. He pulls a report out of his back pocket and attempts to hand it to Gil — but collapses on the floor instead. Gil reaches for the report, but doesn’t give Cesar a hand.
GIL: “Interesting… What’s this last column mean?”
CESAR: “If you’d give me a hand…and a box of F***ING Good n’ Plenty, I might tell you!”
GIL: (giving him a hand) “Here you go, little guy.”
CESAR: (hopping again) “Thanks, Booger.”
GIL: “I told you not to call me that. It’s Boggs.”
CESAR: “And I’m bald. We can’t all live the life we want, MOTHERF***ING idiot. Oops, sorry.”
Cesar shrugs. Smiles. And the two of them laugh.
## ## ##
While I could spend another four paragraphs explaining to you why my quirky lab worker is perfect for your next procedural crime mystery set in a luxurious locale kind-of-show — I think the above scene is proof that I would.
And if it doesn’t, let me just provide you with one more quirk that I could add to Cesar, to make him even more interesting:
He can regurgitate glass beakers and lightbulbs.
Producers? E-mail me if you’re interested.
