Words for My Enjoyment

I Am Afraid of Non-Brand Name Sorbets

May 9th, 2007

Do you like sorbet?

Do you enjoy the shivering, ice-like feeling it creates on your tongue as you shove a spoon ‘o the stuff into your mouth? Do you enjoy knowing that you’re eating the purest of pure…the most natural frozen taste experience that there is in this world next to frozen grapes? Does it help you go to sleep at night knowing that even if you ate an entire pint of the dang stuff that you won’t wake up with acid reflux since all it contained was fruit, ice and some chemicals…as opposed to huge swirls of caramel sauce?

Do you know that you should be afraid of non-brand name sorbets?

When I go to the supermarket, and I’m shopping for a quality sorbet, I look for two very important things. First, I want to make sure that any sorbet I pick is nice and frozen so on the trip home it won’t melt. Second? I only pick sorbets with brand names like Hagen Dazs, Ben & Jerry’s or Dole. When faced with strange named sorbets like Millie’s Best Sorbet or Backwater Berry Farm Sorbet — there’s just something about it that shakes me to the core.

What do I know about Millie? What do I know about this Backwater place?

I know that Hagen Dazs is the best, most highest exceptional superduper quality stuff on the market, with Ben & Jerry’s a close second. I know that name-brand sorbets come from companies with lots of money and lots of safety features incorporated into their sorbet making plants. I know that if a rat falls into a vat of Hagen Dazs sorbet, the rich misers over at HD are going to stop everything, pay the cost to clean out those rat infested sorbet vats, and then start all over again. I know that at Ben & Jerry’s, if tainted mangos fall into a mango sorbet vat — I know that Ben & Jerry’s are making money hand over fist because they charge three bucks a pint, and that will result in spending the money to fix the mango mishap.

But non-brand name sorbet makers? Good luck with that.

People will tell you that the non-brand name foods are made “in the same plants” as the name brand foods and that the only difference is the label. These are the same people who tell others that if you go swimming too soon after eating that you’ll drown or that you’ll kill yourself if you try pole vaulting. These are the same people who insist that you tap the top of a soda can to “reduce the fizz” before opening and that you should always look both ways before crossing the street (which is useless since looking both ways doesn’t stop fast drivers with a penchant for vehicular manslaughter.)

Bottom line? Non-brand name foods are sub-par.

I bought a box of generic Corn Flakes the other day and it tasted nothing like the glorious “real” Corn Flakes. I ate a “Burrito” from the supermarket instead of buying the brand-name burrito — and it tasted like I’d made it myself (which isn’t a good thing.) And when it comes to non-brand name sorbet? It tastes like mealy, frozen fruit waste.

So the next time someone tells you to try the non-brand name anything, remember three very important things:

1. Non-brand name foods are sub-par because they’re cheaply made.
2. Logos and labels that you recognize are worth their weight in gold.
3. If you want to find rat hair in your sorbet, go ahead and buy the non-brand name versions.

Once again, here to help.

Posted under Ben & Jerry's, Brand Names, Fears, Food, Hagen Dazs, Shopping, Sorbet, Supermarket. |