This Year’s Newly Picked Up TV Pilots Have Taught Me Alot About Life

Having seen a slew of new TV pilots that were picked up by networks, and which will start airing this Fall — I realized that each of them taught me something extremely important about life. For example:

The CW’s Reaper: Always ask your parents, at regular intervals, if they ever sold your soul to the devil, promised your soul to the devil, suggested soul-bartering with the devil, or generally were on speaking terms with the devil. If said parents deny having any connections with the devil (or selling your soul to the red-faced dude) it’s always worth trying “the wake-up & ask” — where you sneak into your parents room, and whisper the question, “Did you sell my soul to the devil, per chance?” Parents are usually pretty honest when they’re woken up from a deep sleep.

NBC’s The Bionic Woman: If someone’s filming you in the passenger seat of a car, with the camera facing the passenger side window, and there you are talking to the person filming you in the passenger side of the car, with the world whizzing by in the window just behind you… It usually means, that sometime very soon, a semi is going to smash into the passenger side of the car. This was also seen on Alias and the recent feature Disturbia so I can only imagine all these auteurs are trying to tell us something about sitting in the passenger seat while someone films us. Oh, and also: if you can get a bionic implant, do it. It makes you really confident.

ABC’s Pushing Daisies: This show, about a guy who is able to touch dead people and bring them back to life for one minute so he can help solve their murders, has a day job making pies. Because, apparently, superpowers like that allow you to keep fruit fresh. Or revive moldy pieces of the same fruity goodness. Which convinces me of one very important life lesson. If you have a superpower, your day job should be as mundane as possible, but have hidden allegorical potential. Invisible? Work in the DMV. Fast as a speeding bullet? Copy-mart manager. Able to pass through walls? Huge hedge maze coordinator.

NBC’s Journeyman: A show about a time-travelling regular ‘ol Joe who periodically blacks out and wakes up in a different time. And he keeps telling people he’s doing it. Which they don’t believe. So he’s got to go to fatiguing lengths to prove it. Which just goes to show you — if you’re traveling through time…keep it to yourself. Even if you met Lincoln, keep it to yourself. Even if a dinosaur bit off your left arm and you had to replace it with a wet piece of steak — keep. it. to. your. self.

ABC’s Eli Stone: When you’re a lawyer, the constant paperwork makes you loopy enough to see visions. Here, in this legal dramedy, the title character sees George Michael singing “Faith” over and over again until he decides to make a change. Think back to Ally McBeal — she saw a dancing baby. And Perry Mason? Didn’t he see a piourette’ing doughnut? I guess a word to the wise for those in the legal profession — be prepared for Carly Simon sometime in the near future singing “You’re So Vain.”

CBS’s Big Bang Theory: Two geeks live next door to a hottie. So if you’re a geek, make sure you have an equally-as-geeky roommate. If you’re a hottie, just know that that’s how life works.

Think Of It As A Vacation For Your Fingers

Do your fingers hurt as much as mine?

If they do, then WFME’s We Love Your Fingers And Want To Save Them Summer Promotion ’07 will make you giddy with excitement. That’s right, folks — effective immediately, Words For My Enjoyment will become a sans-comment zone. And while you’ll still be able to read glorious humor posts on a daily basis, you will not feel pressured, required, beholden or influenced to comment.

Because you won’t be able to.

At the end of the promotion (i.e., September 1st), comments will open back up and you’ll be like a starving guy on an island who just got handed a pack of anchovies. Or not. Either way, my decision to close them for the summer was the result of (a) it taking too much time throughout the day to moderate and approve comments… And (b) we all need a vacation now and again.

Don’t you think?

I’ll assume your silence and lack of comments mean you agree.

The Post In Which I Discuss Seeing Cate Blanchett And Our Psychic Conversation

I was at lunch a week or so ago at Hugo’s and sat next to Cate Blanchett.

The amazing, adorable, sweet actress was there with her husband and two kids — visiting Los Angeles (I can only imagine) due to the shooting of Indiana Jones 4 which begins in the next 4 weeks. And while Cate and her family discussed what kinds of dessert they’d be ordering, I turned to look at her — thus using my inherent psychic abilities to hold a short non-verbal (but substantial) conversation using only facial expressions.

What you’ll read after “the jump” includes said conversation. Please be aware, since this is a psychic conversation, you can’t quote Cate or use her words in an unflattering way.

Introducing the Pauly-ku

Some people confuse it for a new kind of karate.

But the people who confuse Pauly-ku with a new kind of karate are also the same people who confuse Pauly-ku with a recently-discovered bird of the Toucan family located in a far off East India, as well as thinking it’s some kind of food dish that involves calamari and cream cheese. But in reality, the Pauly-ku is a brand new kind of haiku — but better, smarter and more fun.

And thus, today I’ll be introducing the Pauly-ku to you-too.

Memorial Day MP3

Aaaaaand, the tradition continues.

Today, on this glorious off-work Memorial Day, WFME brings you yet another free, unfettered release of another glorious Memorial Day MP3! A song that you can download, listen to, share with your friends, and hide somewhere secret when you’re not using it so the music police don’t catch you.

Remember, first rule of Memorial Day MP3? You don’t talk about Memorial Day MP3. Second rule of Memorial Day MP3? Eh, go ahead. Talk about it.

This week, MDMP3 brings you a great song from the UK-based band The Feeling. The song, “Never Be Lonely” is one of the best off their new album “Twelve Stops and Home.” The band, sort of a mix between Supertramp and Elton John, has a fun, unique sound that I think you may just enjoy.

You can listen to the song here.