Today’s Prognosis on Fist Shaking

I cut off an old man in a Pontiac the other day.

He proceeded to chase me down in his behemoth, fist out the window, shaking and shaking in circular motions, making me think of three very important things. One, for an old guy — being able to drive a car with one hand while shaking his fist out the window, he must really still have all his eye-hand coordination workin’. Two, I hoped he wasn’t sane and a member of the NRA or else I would be in deep trouble. And three?

Fist shaking really is a pasttime that should have never gone away.

An Excerpt From My New Period Play, “Shot Through The Heart in The Year 1878”

One man stands menacingly over another, who grasps his chest in pain.

Man #1: “Good god, man. I’ve been shot!”
Man #2: “Through the heart, ol’ chap.”
Man #1: “As God is my witness, you sir are to blame!”
Man #2: “Oh, is that so.”
Man #1: “Tis indeed so, sir. You have nothing but hatred to hurl forth.”
Man #2: “So what are you trying to say, then? I embrace hate?”
Man #1: “Tis correct! And you give love, a bad name.”
Man #2: “Unfortunate you think such is true. But I’ve played my part.”
Man #1: “If by that you mean you’ve played my game, then I concur.”
Man #2: “You’re losing an awful lot of blood.”
Man #1: “As I’ve been shot through the heart.”
Man #2: “Oh, is that so.”
Man #1: “Tis indeed so, sir.”

It’s Time To Help Alec Baldwin Out

You may or may not have heard about Alec Baldwin’s threatening message to his 11 year old daughter, Ireland.

Whether or not you did, Baldwin’s been getting a lot of press in the last few days, calling him a horrible father and generally holding him over the fire. It’s yet another example of people in this country becoming even less tolerant of the words that others use to describe people. From Imus being fired off his radio show to Alec Baldwin’s telephone voice mail “rage” — it seems that people are going to have to find new ways of saying degrading things, without getting in trouble.

Today, WFME helps out Alec Baldwin — with new ways to call his daughter “a thoughtless little pig.”

Ten Rules for Eating At That Chinese Food Donut Hybrid Restaurant

  1. If they spell “doughnut,” donut — eat the Chinese food instead.
  2. If said restaurant adds unneeded adjectives to either food type (i.e., OK Donuts, Faster Donuts, Happy Donuts, Wacky Chinese Food) — expect the complete opposite.
  3. Never expect quality from the food item listed second on the marquee. It was an obvious afterthought and the establishment has used questionable technological workarounds in order to be able to create said afterthought food item.
  4. Colors matter. Signs that include orange, red and green are to be avoided. Blacks, blues and whites — you’re okay to go.
  5. A spinning sign advertising the hybrid food restaurant is to be embraced. If they’ve put the money into a moving sign, they’re probably purchased an actual doughnut making machine instead of throwing raw doughnut dough into the orange chicken pan.
  6. If the sign has an artist’s rendering of a doughnut or chinese food container and it doesn’t look like a doughnut or chinese food container — steer clear. Anyone who thinks a drawing of a food item will drive traffic and customers is sorely wrong and attempting to make up for something.
  7. In reference to the previous “adding adjective to food type” rule — if said sign is split into two signs (i.e., one says Donuts and the other is the adjective), it’s obvious the adjective sign was added later, in an attempt to convince people that yes, these donuts are faster, stronger, and more intelligent. It’s a bad bad sign.
  8. Flourescent window signs that proclaim “I Heart Donuts” or “Hot Hot Hot!” mean you should eat the Chinese Food. Flourescent window signs that proclaim “Moo Shoe Porked Now!” or “Eggroles” mean you should eat the doughnuts.
  9. If the clerk of said hybrid restaurant, upon your entering the establishment, says something like, “Hello my friend would you like to partake in a wonderful taste experience for your taste buds!” Leave. Quickly.
  10. If a Carls’ Jr./Green Burrito or El Pollo Loco/Foster’s Freeze moves into your neighborhood to try to force out your local Chinese Food Donut Hybrid — always stick with the little guy. He’s gonna need your help.

Examining The Seat-A-Wayers

We’ve all come in contact with a “seat-a-wayer.”

These are, traditionally, men who go to the movies with their platonic, heterosexual buddy — and for some odd instinctual urge, feel the need to sit one seat apart from each other. Sure, they’ll try to justify the seat-a-way by placing heavy winter coats and other bags on the seat that separates the two of them, but in reality there’s a darker, deeper meaning behind this seat-a-wayship. What that darker, deeper meaning is what I’d like to discuss today as we gear up, grind down and wind around to…

…examine the seat-a-wayers.