Monday’s Exciting List of Verbal Argument Finishing Moves After The Other Party Storms Out The Door (Kitchen Edition)

  • Pick up glass vase of fake lemons, smash on floor.
  • Wave arms in screaming 360-degree motion by Calphalon pots (hanging from ceiling), causing 55% of them to go crashing to floor, cracking elaborate South American-imported tiles.
  • Open fridge, pull out crisper drawers, scatter fresh vegetables everywhere.
  • Pull answering machine from wall, throw through glass partition window.
  • Tap into adrenalization power, pull microwave from mounted position above stove, throw into adjoining family room area, breaking pricey glass coffee table.
  • Rip fake plastic skin off fake plastic apple in fake plastic fruit bowl, scream to the sky.
  • Kick hole in metallic garbage bin, get foot stuck, swing until gravity pulls screaming bin of death towards wine glass cabinet — breaking 40% white wine glasses, 90% red wine glasses.
  • Rip off cabinet doors under sink, grab industrial sized Costco bottle of dishwashing liquid, squeeze so hard and with so much rage that stream of green gunk coats ceiling in a wave of Swamp Thing-esque pudding-skin.
  • Crazily huff, scream, then grab margarine container plastic top with teeth, gnawing until the rage has gone.
  • Eat the leftovers in the Tupperware.

10 comments on “Monday’s Exciting List of Verbal Argument Finishing Moves After The Other Party Storms Out The Door (Kitchen Edition)

  1. cinekat - April 30, 2007 at 4:11 am -

    Great stuff, but how long must we wait for the bedroom edition?

  2. cinekat - April 30, 2007 at 4:12 am -

    That actually came out a lot dirtier than intended. Sorry if I offended the delicate sensibility for which you are known!

  3. Wordmaven - April 30, 2007 at 4:28 am -

    Ooh, I’m tingling with excitement… how dangerous! Exactly how old are the leftovers in the Tupperware? Boy will that “other party” be sorry they left the room after the leftover-eater gets sick!

  4. Stacey - April 30, 2007 at 4:45 am -

    No valuables were stuffed down the garbage disposal? Is that too cliche nowadays?

  5. Jerry - April 30, 2007 at 6:46 am -

    stuff all the Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, South Beach and Nutri-system food into the stove and then set it on self-clean.


    drink straight from the OJ carton, generously lick the spout, then put it back in the fridge.

  6. Pauly D - April 30, 2007 at 7:28 am -

    Cinekat – Bedroom edition is a little ways away. In the coming weeks, though, you can look forward to the “Antique Museum Edition.”

    Wordmaven – The leftovers are 3 1/2 days old.

    Stacey – Eh, the problem with that is the person you just finished the argument with (who left) won’t ever know that you did it cause the garbage disposal leaves no evidence. All the others leave damage that allows you to get out your anger AND leave a nightmare clean-up job for the other argument-maker.

  7. Jeff - April 30, 2007 at 7:50 am -

    Shouldn’t you do these things before the other party storms out the door? Otherwise who else would be there to see all this perfectly good angst?

  8. Pauly D - April 30, 2007 at 8:42 am -

    Jeff – Contrary to popular belief, a “verbal argument finishing move” is that which you do once the other person leaves — and you’re standing there…fuming.

  9. Chewey - April 30, 2007 at 9:38 pm -

    Um, might you seek therapy? Or a prozac?
    Hope you didn’t injure a limb or two.

    Tupperware lasts longer than we do…I’m still using some that belonged to my mom when she first started having Tupperware Parties at our house back in the 60’s.!!!!

  10. Sara J. - May 13, 2007 at 5:13 am -

    Wait, have these finishing moves been through a rigorous bout of safety testing?

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