Revising The Male Urinal Coefficient

I’d like to officially revise my thoughts on the male urinal coefficient.

The Male Urinal Coefficient for those not in-the-know, is a complicated and elaborate equation that men have ingrained in their minds — some say it’s almost instinct (next to breathing and sleeping). The Coefficient kicks into high gear when a man enters a public bathroom and is faced with a wall of urinals. At that point, based on which urinals are free and where people are standing, the instinct and equation kick in — thus allowing the man to decide the best place to stand.

Today, I revise my previous coefficient.

I used to think that the best case scenario in choosing a urinal was staying as far away from any other individuals as possible. This meant, in a nutshell, that your best choice was always either a urinal that had no one on either side of you, then second-best was a urinal next to a wall (so you could look away if someone was next to you) and finally — if neither of those choices was available — your best bet was to simply do multiplication problems inside your head while examining the grout in the tile directly in front of your eyes.

I don’t think this is so true anymore.

In fact, after thousands of tries at public restrooms, and thousands of trials utilizing my internal male urinal coefficient (or, Murient for short) — I have come to the conclusion that the easier, and better way to making a urinal visit more comfortable and involving the least bit of contact whatsoever is…

…talking to everyone who uses a urinal next to you as much as you can.

Take a urinal, any urinal — then begin talking to whomever stands beside you. Ask them questions, compliment them on their shoes, feel the softness of their shirt. Wonder aloud where the establishment gets their urinal cakes. Peer over to see if said neighbor’s urinal cake is the same as yours. Talk about politics, movies, culture, Anna Nicole Smith. Whatever, as long as you keep talking. The result, which made me giddy with excitement, is that 99% of the time whomever has just stood next to you will stop (mid stream) and move to a bathroom stall.

Before long, you’ll find yourself alone. With three empty urinals on each side of you.

Which just goes to prove one very important thing: sometimes the instincts we’re born with aren’t necessarily correct. Sometimes what our conscience tells us to do, isn’t the right thing. And sometimes, no matter how weird or strange it feels, having elaborate conversations with strangers while emptying your bladder against a tiled-wall in a public restroom…is just what the doctor ordered.

Please make note of my revisions. They will obviously come in handy.

As for you women — I have no idea what goes on in your public restrooms (socializing, make-up tips and crying)? But I sure can’t imagine you need a complicated instinct and equation in order to deal with it.

All hail men.

6 comments on “Revising The Male Urinal Coefficient

  1. jadepark - April 28, 2007 at 8:19 am -

    BEST post, Pauly! I’m not even a dude and I’m chuckling.

  2. Pauly D - April 28, 2007 at 8:23 am -

    Jadepark – Oh, that reminds me. You can also laugh crazily at absolutely nothing as soon as someone starts peeing next to you. That, more often than not, gets them to leave just as quickly.

  3. jodi - April 28, 2007 at 8:48 am -

    I am sure it would work 9 out of ten times, with the possibility of a black eye at least once? Maybe…

    Well now, we(women that is) can not tell you what goes on…or if we do indeed have our own little coefficient(aka code). If we did let you know then it would solve all the answers men have been seeking and what fun would that be?
    Plus they’d kick us out of the Union and then what?

    It would just put the whole universe out of alignment, and I dont think you’d want that on your conscious now, would you?

    Good stuff!

  4. Amy - April 28, 2007 at 4:56 pm -

    As a woman, Pauly, I believe that I need a complicated instinct and equation in order to squat in a public restroom. I can honestly say I’ve never, ever sat on a toilet in a public restroom. I am the Master of Squatting, Pauly. And that, my friend, takes skill.

  5. Wordmaven - April 29, 2007 at 5:55 am -

    Johnny Carson used to call that exact grout spot on the wall “The P Spot”. Oh, and you are right, Pauly, you have NO IDEA what goes on in the ladies’ room. Good times, good times.

  6. cinekat - April 30, 2007 at 4:23 am -

    Have you never wondered why we girls head to the loo in groups of 2 or more? What can I say, we’re simply more highly socialized. In fact, I think I’d get a black eye if I didn’t immediately engage in whatever conversation I walked into…

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