Words for My Enjoyment

WFME’s Guide to Shoplifting Cadbury Creme Eggs

April 8th, 2007

First let me just wish everyone a Happy Easter.

Secondly, let me use this blog as my virtual confessional booth to tell you that when I was younger, more impressionable, and my positive mature values had yet to instill themselves in me — I consistently shoplifted candy from a local drugstore in my hometown. And besides stealing gum, I always got giddy as each calendar year reached Easter because I knew it meant that the Cadbury Creme Eggs were on their way. And then I stole them with such skill that even I impressed myself.

Today, I will share such stealthy skills with all of you.

While Easter represents a lot of very important things, from the resurrection of Jesus to an opportunity for people to paint hard-boiled eggs and then send children wandering aimlessly in backyards for the glorious hard-boiled goodness, it has always represented the coming and resurrection of the Cadbury Creme Egg to me. A glorious chocolate confection in the shape of an egg, that contains within it a creamy white and yellow substance that, to some, looks like the inside of a real-life actual egg!

If you can get past the fact that it looks like a candy nougat-version of a baby chick’s genetic nucleus, it’s a pretty damn sweet tasting thing.

But at .99 cents a pop, the Cadbury Creme Egg isn’t something you buy in bulk. And if you’re a kid with a limited amount of weekly allowance coming into your adolescent coffers, a Creme Egg a day really isn’t a possibility with all the other things you need to be spending your money on. Such was the case for me, as a young child, and it was the one thing that drove me to develop a sure-fire way to shoplift Cadbury Creme Eggs without every getting caught.

Kids — here’s what you’ll need:

1 book bag with shoulder strap
1 set of adult-looking car keys (read: lots of useless keys on the ring)
1 t-shirt with church logo or scripture passage on it
1 conservative pair of shoes
1 bottle Visine (for faux-tears, in case of capture)
1 friend who is somewhat OK at pretending to be your sibling (real siblings are not appropriate for this scenario as siblings will use what you’re about to do against you at some point in life)

The process of shoplifting a Cadbury Creme Egg is two parts acting-chops and one part image (or perception). What always seemed to work great for me was to go into the drugstore in question dressed conservatively. This always puts any managers at ease, assuming you don’t look like a strung-out homeless drug kid. The church logo T will always help in this matter.

Now comes the acting part. With keys in hand, the primary shoplifter (YOU) approaches the candy aisle (specifically the Cadbury Creme Egg portion of the aisle) and fingers the Creme Eggs like any candy shopper would do. It’s at this point that you begin your dialogue with your “friend pretending to be your sibling” as you jingle the adult-looking car keys in your hand. Any iteration of the following dialogue will work perfectly:

You: “Mom said she wanted us to pick up some Easter candy.”
Friend: “She’s just picking up a prescription. She wants to know if you have her keys?”
You: “Yeah, right here.”

At which point, you jingle the keys with one hand while shoving a handful of Cadbury Creme Eggs (not to exceed (6) six) in the open pocket of your book bag, which you have quickly swung around the front of your body, utilizing the shoulder strap. The jingling of the keys will get anyone and everyone’s attention, and will draw them away from the actual crime at hand. As you’ve jammed (delicately, of course) the Creme Eggs into your bag, you finish the dialogue:

Friend: “She wants her keys now. She says to come to the pharmacy.”
You: “I’m going outside. Tell her I’ll be in the car.”
Friend: “You’re gonna be in soooo much trouble.”
You: “Says who.”
Friend: “Says mom.”
You: “Bah!”

And you walk out. With your book bag. And your keys. And your conservative look. And your (6) free Cadbury Creme Eggs.

Success is yours!

As long as you can continue to think up new reasons for “your mom” to visit the local drugstore’s pharmacy, and as long as you don’t do it in front of the same exact staff each day (pick different times of the day to pull this one over on the establishment), an Easter season of free Cadbury Creme Eggs can be yours for the taking.

Or the stealing.

In the event you are actually caught stealing an insignificant piece of candy, you’ve always got the Visine. Which you should quickly, while leaning over in embarrassment, dump into your eyes — then launch into a crying fit that will either (a) cause a scene, or (b) make the drugstore staff nervous. Which will, usually, in most scenarios — grant you the freedom you so desire. Because Cadbury Creme Eggs and freedom are two in the same.

It’s nice to be able to share a little of myself with all of you. And really, isn’t that what Easter is all about?

Well. That and the resurrection.

Posted under Cadbury Creme Eggs, Easter, Holidays, Shoplifting, WFME's Guide to Shoplifting. |