Why Dancing With The Stars Is Unfair If You’ve Got Two Good Legs

Do you watch Dancing With The Stars?

Do you consistently ask yourself while watching the aforementioned show why you’re watching the show? Do you find yourself wondering how such a flimsy piece of entertainment has become a ratings powerhouse? Do you find yourself drawing the shades so your neighbors won’t see you watching? Or do you pontificate aloud about how all the other contestants must be seriously contemplating lopping off an arm, a leg or another significant body part in an attempt to compete with the buck-toothed, ex-McCartney lover with one leg?

Well, I do.

I’ve already talked about how Dancing With The Stars would be far more entertaining as Dancing With The Ailments — a show where one-legged, buck-toothed Heather Mills would no longer have the “poor-me” advantage since there’d be people like deaf Marlee Matlin and psychotic Courtney Love also tugging the audience’s heartstrings.

But unfortunately, that’s not the reality.

It seems as if Heather Mills and her fake leg are completely charming the live studio audience and the people of the World, as every simple leg manipulation becomes a reason to applaud. Here, let’s take a look at the difference between one dancing couple with four legs, and Heather Mills duo:

Regular Four-Legged Dancing Couple

  • Steps on right foot, steps on left foot: No applause, that ain’t so amazing.
  • Flips over partner’s back, upside down, lands on feet: Smattering of applause. Not bad.
  • Does a split, then curls legs up over head and rolls in a ball, 360-degrees around the room: Lots of clapping, it’s like Cirque du Soleil

Heather Mills, Three-Legged Duo

  • Walks: Wild applause, hooting and hollering.
  • Bounces on fake leg for 3 seconds: Oohs, aahs, painted signs lifted in unison.
  • Flips over partner’s back, upside down, lands on newly implanted bionic foot that allows spring-in-her-step: Clapping, wild applause, a mini-wave by the judges.

If I was Ian Ziering and I had to compete with someone who can change out her foot for a brand-new bionic foot every time she needs to be able to do a different style of dance, I would seriously chop off my own foot. If I was Ian Ziering and I had to seriously consider Heather Mills “competition” and watch as the audience applauded each time she…um…walked somewhere, I would hobble myself in an attempt to gain the audience’s love and affection.

This ain’t just about dancing, my friends — it’s about career resurrection.

That’s why Dancing With The Stars is unfair if you’ve got two good legs — because every time you do a good dance, it still ain’t ever gonna be as good as the lady with one leg, no matter how many bionic parts she adds to her Transformer-like torso each week…

For god’s sake — she’s only got one leg.

And it’s totally unfair.

10 Comments

  1. you raise a valid point.

    who would want to be ian ziering anyhow? nobody. that’s who.

  2. Author

    Sizz – I think Brian Austin Green probably would love to be Ian Ziering.

  3. I wonder if people are watching with sick fascination waiting to see what happens if her leg falls off. Not that I’ve put any thought into that, of course.

  4. I agree. Nobody else stands a chance next to Ms. One Leg.

  5. Clearly you haven’t heard Brian Austin Green’s rap albums or seen any of his Lifetime original movies if you think he’s envious of Ian Ziering.

  6. I don’t watch the show but I sincerely appreciate you making this post Non-dancing-with-the-stars-watcher-friendly so all of us could enjoy.

  7. wait, did that make sense?

  8. Have we ever actually seen anyone’s career resurrected after dancing with or near a one-legged woman? (Thanks for the thought-provoking post, Paul. You are going to keep me busy all weekend. )

  9. I love Ian Ziering. But I also watched every year of 90120 too. Call me a freak that doesn’t wear diapers. I dare you. I’m not a fan of the one and a half legged Mills chick. She has ugly yellow teeth. And a long nose. And I think the call in viewers are going to pity her cuz she can change her leg five different times. Whoopie. Get one of them diaper wearing fetish dancers on the floor and then we’ll have a good time!!!! Man, i’m going to be laughing all damn day long! Poop for peace!

  10. PS: I actually do watch the show only because there ain’t nothing else on at 7PM ….. however I vote every show (my 11 that I can) for Clifford from Cheers!

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