Today’s Imaginary Conversation With Katie Holmes’ Scientology Handler

While WFME’s previous imaginary conversations have been some of the greatest “gets” in the history of modern day journalism, today’s interview is one I’ve been dreaming of getting for years.

There’s been so much controversy over the last few years about Katie Holmes, her marriage to Tom Cruise, “their baby” Suri Cruise and whether or not Katie Holmes is happy about the arrangement. People have speculated about what’s really going on, and people have tried to assume they know what’s going on… But no one truly has gotten the real answer…until today.

Because today’s conversation is with Katie Holmes’ actual Scientology handler!

The conversation took place and was recorded via telephone, due to Scientology’s strict rules about not meeting the press (that’s WFME) in person, but I’d like to share some of the juicier bits of the interview here with you now:

Me: “Hi, and thank you so much for taking the time to talk to us here at WFME.”

Scientology Handler: “Katie is so glad to be talking with you here today.”

Me: “Oh! Is she on the phone, too?”

Scientology Handler: “No.”

Me: “Oh. Okay. So how does this work?”

Scientology Handler: “Just go ahead and ask Kate a question.”

Me: “But is she- How will she…if she’s not on the phone?”

Scientology Handler: “Go ahead, ask a question. You’ll see.”

Me: “Okay. So, Katie… The press continues to speculate that you’re growing increasingly frustrated with your marriage and the fact that Tom Cruise isn’t giving you any freedom to go after your first dream — acting. Is there any truth to that?”

Scientology Handler: “No. No truth at all. I’m extremely happy with my entire situation.”

Me: “Wait, is that Katie’s answer?”

Scientology Handler: “Yes.”

Me: “But I didn’t even hear her say anything… There wasn’t even a pause after I asked my question.”

Scientology Handler: “She doesn’t need time to think — she’s the happiest she’s ever been. People who need time to think of an answer related to their happiness are obviously not happy. Go ahead, ask her another question.”

Me: “Um… Katie? Are you excited about filming this new movie with Queen Latifah, MAD MONEY?”

Scientology Handler: “I’m excited that my husband Tom and my daughter Suri will be with me each and every day while I shoot the movie on location. I’m also extremely thankful that Tom is going to help the director Callie Khouri rewrite the script, remove that horrible shower scene, and generally improve the movie up to his standards.”

Me: “That’s Katie’s answer?”

Scientology Handler: “Yes — you didn’t hear her say that right next to me before I reiterated it?”

Me: “No.”

Scientology Handler: “Any other questions for Katie?”

Me: “Um, well… We all know Katie loves seeing movies. Katie, have you been allowed to get out and see films? Any favorites?”

Scientology Handler: “I don’t need to ‘go out’ to see movies. All my favorites are right here in my palatial Beverly Hills mansion. Did you ever see Rain Man? Classic.”

Me: “Katie’s not really next to you, is she?”

Scientology Handler: “No, she’s here.”

Me: “Can I hear her voice?”

Scientology Handler: “Hi, this is Katie. Okay, gottagonowI’llseeyoulaterthanks!”

Me: “That was you, pretending to be Katie.”

Scientology Handler: “Sooo… That’s all the time we have. Thanks!”

[Phone hangs up.]

5 comments on “Today’s Imaginary Conversation With Katie Holmes’ Scientology Handler

  1. jerry - April 2, 2007 at 9:57 am -

    are you sure it was really Katie’s handler? If it was a female voice, are you sure it wasn’t Tom’s mother? And if it was a male voice, how can you be sure it wasn’t Tom himself “speaking” for Katie?

    Scientology being what it is, Perhaps Katie was speaking to you, through the handler using telepathy.

  2. Pauly D - April 2, 2007 at 1:22 pm -

    Jerry – I think I know the difference between Tom’s mother’s voice and Katie’s Scientology handler. It’s pretty obvious.

  3. cinekat - April 4, 2007 at 1:34 am -

    Check out this link for some scary Scientology stuff – and congratultions on a great interview. But next time, do ask “Katie” about her old friends from Dawsons Creek and her new ones the Beckhams (inquiring minds want to know. Ok, just superficial minds).

  4. Jacquie - April 5, 2007 at 3:59 pm -

    Thank goodness for stupid people, for who would we laugh at without them?

    Just kidding. There are plenty of other people to laugh at.

    But thank goodness for stupid people anyway.

  5. jacquie - April 5, 2007 at 4:15 pm -

    PS, I totally appreciate the irony in the link to the word “previous”.

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