This Week’s Neighborhood Feud (Or, Desperate Stopsigns)

I always used to wish my neighborhood had more drama.

Despite the local four-year old hating me for not giving out good candy, my neighborhood drama has been limited to lost dogs, loud noises and non-draining sewer outlets. But this past week, finally, a full-on neighborhood feud has started — the kind that I expect will bring forth wonderful drama that I’d rather watch unfold more than any episode of Desperate Housewives.

I like to call this entire feudal episode, Desperate Stopsigns.

Fortune Cookie Messages Inspired By 80’s Film Director John Hughes

There is a true and sincere friendship between you and your friends, as long as your friends are exactly like you and you’re not like a geek trying to become friends with the school jock.

A thrilling time involving being home alone is in your immediate future.

Plan for many pleasures ahead on planes, trains and automobiles.

Your everlasting patience will be rewarded sooner or later with Jake Ryan.

Something you lost, like your underwear, will soon turn up.

When you feel as though all hope is lost, simply look to Spandau Ballet.

You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music, so maybe it’s time to pay attention to your female friend the drummer, who has had a crush on you for um, like forever.

Pray for what you want, but use your high-tech computer for the things you need. Like a dream woman who will do whatever you want, whenever you want. Even gymnastics.

Remember, if Andrew gets up we’ll all get up and it’ll be anarchy.

Good things are being said about you, as long as your name is Ferris Bueller.

Today’s Brief Question About Digging Up Corpses

What’s so awesome about digging up corpses?

I know I’m getting older and I know I’m a little more responsible so maybe this whole fad is totally going over my head, but it seems like everyone I know lately has given up the partying and getting loaded out at bars for this whole Friday night digging up corpses thing. Personally, I have a certain level of respect for those who have died and been buried in a cemetary, so I don’t know why other people find such joy in having corpse digging parties.

Can anyone shed some light on this one?

I Am Running Away From ‘The Hills’

This weekend sees a slew of new filmic releases, including The Hills Have Eyes 2.

You may or may not remember the original movie The Hills Have Eyes or the remake The Hills Have Eyes which came out about a year and a half ago and told the glorious story of a family whose camper breaks down in the middle of nowhere, and a slew of nuclear-deformed evil freaky bloated monster-people decide it’s time to kill them, eat them, and do a slew of other disturbing things to them. Needless to say, when I saw an advanced screening of the movie, I almost threw up in my mouth.

Which is part of the reason I am running away from The Hills Have Eyes 2.

Today’s Prognosis on Rude Doctor-In-The-House Restaurant Yellers

You’ve seen it happen, at least on TV.

A bunch of people are all having a quaint, quiet, cultured dinner at a high-profile restaurant. Wine is being poured, meals are being prepared, couples are looking longingly into each other’s eyes. A four piece mini-orchestra plays Mozart, candles glow throughout the room, and somewhere a woman with roses makes her way through the crowd. And then, out of nowhere, crashing glasses accompany someone shouting “Is there a doctor in the house!?”

Rude. Totally rude.