I Have This Urge To Get Into An Industrial Sized Clothes Dryer And Have Someone Turn It On

There’s things to do, and then there’s things to do.

But beyond the unrealistic things to do that you contemplate on a daily basis, but which you never do thanks to something called “common sense” (i.e. crashing your car into oncoming traffic, cursing your boss to his/her face, drinking liquid plumber to see what it tastes like, jumping a ravine in your car Dukes of Hazzard-style, swallowing pennies, etc), there’s one thing that keeps coming up in my head as something that could be a pretty wild experience that doesn’t seem too unrealistic to try.

That thing happens to involve crawling into an industrial-sized clothes dryer and having someone turn it on.

If you’ve been to a laundromat lately, you might have gazed into the expansive space contained within an industrial-sized dryer and thought to yourself, “I know the Universe is pretty much infinite, but the space inside this dryer seems to come pretty damn close to infinity as well.” Or maybe you don’t.

But I do.

Just like most of us have contemplated about whether or not our entire index finger could fit into the top of a glass soda bottle and then re-emerge unscathed… And just like most of us have wondered if our head could fit through the wooden rods of the staircase bannister and make it back out without calling the local EMTs… People, like you and me, often stare at our clothing spinning and flipping around in our local industrial-sized clothing driers and wonder if we could fit in there for a 360-degree ride of wonder.

I wonder. I do.

With a simple little step ladder, a bunch of quarters, and some friends willing to hold the door shut (to protect me and you from a wandering foot that might burst open the door and send me falling to the ground) it is completely possible to do. And because it’s pretty self-contained and there’s really no sharp objects inside the spinning wheel of cleanliness, you can expect that injuries can be kept to a minimum. Honestly, the only thing that scares me about the whole thing is that I never liked roller coasters.

And if, at age 7, after being forced to ride Space Mountain at Disneyland I found myself horrified and scared at the experience that had just been force-fed to my adolescent mind — then I wonder what a tumbling head-over-head ride in the local industrial sized dryer might make me feel. Would I get sick? Would I throw up, and then have my breakfast along for the ride? Would I jam my foot into my eye and go blind?


But how many people do you know who can say they successfully fit into an industrial sized dryer, rode in circles for two cycles of ten minutes, and lived to tell the tale without any brain-damage, major injuries or psychological trauma? How many people do you know who spoke of their desire to do such a thing, and actually followed through in the process? How many people have dared to actually plan out such a thing with a Powerpoint presentation, replete with diagrams, financial projections and graphs?

One people. Me, people. Me.

So let this post serve as my official announcement that I am now in the initial planning stages of making this dream come true. That I will potentially be hosting fundraising events to make this a reality. That I will travel this great country of ours with one goal and one goal only…

To get into an industrial-sized clothes dryer and have someone turn it on.

I figure it’s easier than running for President, so what the hell.

8 comments on “I Have This Urge To Get Into An Industrial Sized Clothes Dryer And Have Someone Turn It On

  1. sandra - March 27, 2007 at 10:00 am -

    I’ve kind of always wanted to be dry-cleaned…

  2. Pauly D - March 27, 2007 at 10:02 am -

    Sandra – Only thing about that, is you’re gonna be hanging on those metal hook things after they dry clean you. And, it’s scalding steam and stuff. At least being in the clothes dryer won’t hurt as much since it’s a dry heat.

  3. Jerry - March 27, 2007 at 1:09 pm -

    Saw this on CSI once. Tumble drying a buddy resulted in death which led to a cover up which became a homicide. If you do it, Paul, do it alone unless you want to implicate a neighbor in a murder — say the Gibsons or the Dahlmoyers?

  4. The Single Girl - March 27, 2007 at 4:37 pm -

    Take pictures … please take pictures and tell the tale once you have accomplished your dream. I too have thought about tumbling dry but am too scared to try.

  5. Kathleen - March 27, 2007 at 6:19 pm -

    were you the alternate on the Jackass bunch……

  6. Hilly - March 27, 2007 at 8:25 pm -

    Everyone keeps telling me to come read your blog and the first post I read already has me hooked.

  7. Nick - March 28, 2007 at 6:46 am -

    Do it! Its something that you cant explain til you have done it. We used to do it after drinks at a summer place I worked at. We however would turn the heat right down and sometimes have someone holding the door open with the button pushed down. One guy did manage over two minutes with the door closed. Was ages before he was walking straight again!

  8. Jennifer - April 5, 2007 at 7:10 am -

    My cousin and i used to do this in our dryer in the basement. (Where we were safe from parent intervention.) We never made it 10 minutes or anything but difinetly worth doing!

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