Words for My Enjoyment

This Week’s Neighborhood Feud (Or, Desperate Stopsigns)

March 26th, 2007

I always used to wish my neighborhood had more drama.

Despite the local four-year old hating me for not giving out good candy, my neighborhood drama has been limited to lost dogs, loud noises and non-draining sewer outlets. But this past week, finally, a full-on neighborhood feud has started — the kind that I expect will bring forth wonderful drama that I’d rather watch unfold more than any episode of Desperate Housewives.

I like to call this entire feudal episode, Desperate Stopsigns.

Let me break it down for you so you’re up to date, because as this thing unfolds I’m going to keep you up to date on just what’s going on. Our neighborhood has a lot of families and kids, and people are always yelling at people who drive fast up and down the streets. Unfortunately there aren’t any “All Way” stop signs, so you can speed from one end of our street pretty much to the other end without ever having to slow down.

Enter “The Gibson Family” (whose names have been changed to keep me from getting in trouble).

The Gibsons got fed up with all the speeding cars, and they shared these thoughts with “The Dahlmores” (also a fake family name to protect me from getting in trouble). The Dahlmores agreed that this whole speeding up and down the street was annoying. Something had to be done about it. The Gibsons and Dahlmores agreed that it would be really great if there was some way to get speed bumps in the neighborhood. Even The Davidsons agreed with The Gibsons and The Dahlmores when they were contacted about the speed bump situation. Yet nobody was really taking the initiative to deal with the whole speed bump process.

But little did anyone know, The Gibsons had already taken a step to make that happen a year ago.

Just right about the time The Davidsons were thinking about taking this whole speed bump project into their own hands and execute it, they heard from The Gibsons that they’d received some paperwork in the mail from the city. It seems that The Gibsons had sent in a request over a year ago to the city to request speed bumps. Apparently, The Gibsons reported, that it sometimes would take up to five years to get the city to respond to such requests. So at one year, things were looking up.

The Gibsons handed The Davidsons the sheet they’d received — all The Gibsons had to do was to get ten (10) neighbors on the street to sign the petition so that the city could proceed in doing a “speed test” on the street. That’s where they lay down sensors all the way down the street to see how fast people are really driving. If it seemed like there was substantial traffic and speedy cars, the speed bumps could very well be approved.

But The Gibsons had overlooked one part of this letter. The part about the stop signs.

When The Davidsons read the petition (before signing it) they noticed some small print on the letter. Apparently, the city wanted The Gibsons to know that there were already plans to install stop signs at various parts on the street. This, of course, may slow down traffic and affect the speeds of the cars, thus potentially removing the necessity for speed bumps. The Davidsons showed this to The Gibsons — but it really didn’t have any bearing on the speed bump petition.

At least, not until the stop signs suddenly (and magically) were installed.

Normally, getting stop signs installed wouldn’t be an issue. But this time they were. Primarily due to the fact that The Gibsons next door neighbors, The Dahlmores, had their house positioned right at a Y-intersection on the street. And while The Dahlmores were away on vacation, the city showed up and placed a stop sign right at the edge of their property line, put the actual stop sign line right in front of their walkway to their front door, then painted a red curb in front of half of their house (and their walkway) — turning the front of their house into a stop and go area for every car entering the neighborhood.

Go go gadget feud.

Needless to say, The Dahlmores were not pleased. The matriarch of the Dahlmores began calling everyone in the neighborhood, demanding to know who requested stop signs. According to her, the property values of her home had dropped over $50,000 now that half their property had been red-curbed… Now that cars were going to be stopping right in front of their walkway. The Dahlmores were pissed, and I couldn’t blame them — the city places a stop area in a place that seemed completely wonky, yet once the city comes out and puts in a stop sign, they’re pretty much there to stay.

Sooner or later The Dahlmores realized that The Gibsons had contacted the city about speeds in the neighborhood, and they quickly focused in on The Gibsons as the culprits who just cost them fifty grand. E-mails and phone calls sped back and forth between The Gibsons and The Dahlmores. The Dahlmores began talking to other neighbors, speaking badly about The Gibsons and how everything was their fault. The Dhalmores began parking all their cars in front of The Gibson’s house, as passive-agressive psychological warfare. If half their curb was now inaccessible for parking thanks to the red paint, they’d find another place to park.

Having connections with the city (since Mr. Dahlmore is involved in a profession connected with public services), The Dahlmores had city workers out and got them to agree that the stop sign was ill placed. Still, once a stop sign is placed, you can’t ever remove it. But the city workers promised The Dahlmores that they would try to move the line and the stop sign and the red curb…away from The Dahlmore’s property and closer to their next door neighbor’s property… A family who we already know as The Gibsons.

As it stands now, The Dahlmores hate The Gibsons. Two families that were once close friends, are now not speaking. The Dahlmores blame The Gibsons for the stop signs, even though they only requested information about speed bumps. The Gibsons think The Dahlmores are crazy. The Dahlmores are now parking their huge monolithic gas guzzlers right in front of The Gibson’s house to prove a point, and rallying other neighbors against The Gibsons. The Dahlmores even got “The Ettermans” pissed off, because The Ettermans are always spearheading neighborhood projects and they weren’t consulted first by The Gibsons in the matter of the speed bumps issue. The Dahlmores are now working to get the city to move the stop signs and red lines in front of The Gibson’s house and The Gibsons are trying to ignore The Dahlmores.

The Davidsons are sort of entertained by the whole thing.

Much more than Desperate Housewives.

Posted under Desperate Housewives, Feuds, Neighborhoods, Speed Bumps, Stop Signs. |