Words for My Enjoyment

Making Obituaries Fun

March 21st, 2007

There’s a reason obituaries are stuck in the back pages of your local papers.

Plain and simple, it’s because obituaries (at their core) are extremely boring, depressing, and lack any kind of creative pizazz you’d want from something fun. Obituaries are like funerals in that they’re somber and take themselves way too seriously. Even obituary writers, as I’ve been told, wish there was a way out of the deady doldrums (as obituary writers have dubbed them), yet their editors refuse to let them have the creative freedom they dream of each and every day.

But if people would just open their minds, they’d find that there were simple ways to make obituaries fun.

Fun comes in many packages and is different for each person. That’s what makes the process of funning-up obituaries more complicated than most already funned-up things like water balloons and throwing rotten eggs at highway-bound automobiles. But since we always like a challenge here at WFME, we jumped at the chance to offer up ten helpful suggestions for newspaper editors and obituary writers alike.

1. Colorful text: Why do obituaries always have to be in black print on a white background? Why can’t obituaries be in color? Why can’t the text sing out in a rainbow of emotional flavors, much like the dead person we’re talking about did in their own life? Sure, naysayers will throw up the road block here by saying that black and white is what papers are printed in. That, of course, brings me to our next helpful suggestion…
2. Relocate the obituaries to greener pastures:: No more of this back of the paper business for obituaries. I say, move ‘em into the colorful inserts that accompany the paper. That, of course, is what all paper readers look at first anyway. The Best Buy insert, the Sears insert, and now — the obituary magazine! Not only will obituaries sing with the glory that is primary colors — but they can be bolstered with features on dead people, advertisements for products used by dead people (wigs, liquid of some kind, et al) and can also even provide interviews with famous dead people.
3. Use funner language: It’s time to get rid of cookie-cutter obituary writing. Infuse some personality into the text — give it the feel of the person who bit the bucket. As an example: “Jimmy Green got hit by a bus, Jimmy Green don’t want no fuss, but if you do please don’t be funny and leave his kids a load of money.”
4. Provide pictures: There’s nothing more interesting and crowd-pleasing than a picture of the dead person in question. Words are one thing, but pictures really fill out the entire picture. Stoic, suit-laden pictures aren’t for us, either. Give the audience what they crave… Pictures of the dead person in question with pets, swallowing pennies or their most recent mug shot!
5. Give obituary a new name: There’s nothing that reeks of death more than the word obituary. The name itself makes people cringe with uncomfortability. Instead, freshen the word that represents the history of these dead folk and bring it into the 21st Century! What about The Dead Scrolls or Deaditor’s Choice or even Happy Ya-Ya Sleepy Time? God knows I’d rather read about people in the Happy Ya-Ya Sleepy Time section than the Obituary one.
6. Combine the obituaries with eBay: In this day and age, wouldn’t everyone just be happier if they didn’t have to read the obituaries and then track down the person’s address just so they could see if they were going to be selling off their rent-controlled apartment or vintage 1969 Mustang? Why not combine obituaries with eBay ads and get it all taken care of at once? Or for the non-digital folks, combine obituaries with the classifieds. Then if you were looking for a used elliptical machine, you’d be stoked to come across: “Henry James Thompson leaves behind beloved wife Betty, children Henry Jr. and Bridgette, and a pristine Precor Elliptical Machine with very little wear and tear for $3000 o.b.o.” Brilliant!
7. Create the obituary tie-in game show: Everyone loves trivia. So why not combine obituaries with a weekly TV game show hosted by none other than Pat Sajack? Now, reading the obituaries has been turned into a game where memorizing the stats and details of the most recent obituaries could net you cold hard cash or a 7 day, 6 night luxury vacation in the Bahamas! It would sort of be like the lottery, but better!
8. Incorporate special guest stars: Everyone loves special guest stars, no matter if they’re on TV or providing their own “guest post” on a blog. That’s why, just like TV has their sweeps, so too would the obituary section. People would be reading each and every week to see just which celebrity had taken their turn at rewriting someone’s obituary. Sort of like having Harold Ramis & Joss Whedon direct The Office, the paper would have famous celebrities do the same. One week, Paris Hilton might rewrite Pastor Edward Hawkins obituary to make it “hawt.” Another week, a medicated Paula Abdul might take a crack at Betsy Danforth’s. It would sometimes be a train wreck, but people love train wrecks especially when celebrities are involved.
9. Scratch n’ Sniff: Anyone who collected stickers in the 80’s knows how rewarding it is to open up a photo book, peel back the plastic protective covering, scratch a sticker and smell strawberries. Well, incorporating such retro-technology could make everyone’s obituaries even more interactive and fun! Each family could choose from a list of basic smells, some of which could include: strawberries, almond paste, or mothballs. That’s right, now you can bring your brain and your nose to the obituary-table!
10. Throw in names of people who are still alive: There’s nothing funnier than causing a friend’s bank account to get accidentally cancelled after their name randomly appears in the obituary section. Or nothing more laugh out loud, as someone getting funeral wreaths delivered to their house even though they’re still alive!! By randomly inserting a living person’s 411 in the weekly obituaries you’ll always keep those readers guessing and giggling!

Posted under Death, Fun, Obituaries. |