Today’s Overrated Element: Air
March 19th, 2007
Call it air, call it oxygen. Call it whatever the hell you want.
I’m just a little fed up with all you pro-airites. You people who walk around on your high horse and proclaim, “Without air, we’d all die” and “Air is the lifeforce of all who live and breathe” and “Boy, it sure is airy today isn’t it?” All doing your best to continue what the government started — a worldwide obsession with an element that, in my humble opinion, is sort of a total and complete wash.
That’s right, people. Air is today’s overrated element.
Let me pose a very important question to you. Let’s say I presented to you a list of four food items that each had their own significance to the people of this Earth for one reason or another. They would include chicken, beef, lamb and unicorn-filets. I would then suggest to you that if you were going to go around insisting on supporting one of those four, that you pick the unicorn-filets because they are the most succulent, most important meat on the face of the entire planet.
You’d probably say something like, “Um, unicorn meat doesn’t exist.”
And I’d ask you why you felt that way. Was it because you never SAW unicorn-filets being served in a restaurant? Was it because you never TOUCHED unicorn-filets in a local diner? Was it because you were never given any visual proof that unicorns existed except for artists’ renderings? Would you spit in the face of unicorn-filets because you felt such a thing was an insignificant falsehood?
Join me now in welcoming air.
For my money, there are three other elements far more impressive than air. Not to mention, I’ve seen them, touched them and they’ve influenced my life on a day to day basis. They include fire, earth and water.
I have touched fire. And felt the real pain of it. I have felt earth beneath my feet, and thanked my Lord that I was standing tall. I have made water my bedfellow, whether it be in the shower, in the ocean or in my every day water-filled experiences. But air? Who’s to say that air even exists? Who has ever actually taken a picture of air? Have you ever actually touched air (not wind) with your own hands and lived to tell the tale?
I didn’t think so.
Air is a nice storybook fantasy, but it’s not a reality. It may exist in the minds of storytellers and vaudeville performers, but it doesn’t exist in the real world. And if I were a betting man and I was in Vegas betting on which element was going to win the Academy Award of Elements (a fictitious awards ceremony that you have to believe exists even though you’ve never SEEN anything about it ever reported in print), I would bet on fire, earth and water a million times over before ever voting for the fictitious “air” that everyone speaks of.
Overrated, yes. Over talked about? You bet. Over? In general?
As of this minute…count on it.
So, let’s clear the air, are you also over all “air”-related items, such as wind, hot-air balloons, anti-oxidant foods, whistling, gasping and those charlatan pulmonary therapists?
Comment by Wordmaven — March 19, 2007 @ 8:27 am
WM - Please, let’s be real. Wind is the result of weather patterns. Hot-air balloons are actually propelled by fire/flames. Whistling is only possible thanks to the physical organ called “the lungs.” And don’t get me started on anti-oxidant foods. Please.
Comment by Pauly D — March 19, 2007 @ 8:35 am
I think you are on to something Paul. In the discussions on global warming we are told to watch for the rising waters from polar ice caps melting and expanding deserts from increasing ground tempetures but there is nothing about air. Al Gore knows he can’t prove air exists so he over emphasizes the other elements to distract us from this huge hole in his theories.
Comment by jerry — March 19, 2007 @ 10:20 am
You’re right. Earth, Wind and Fire kick ass on air. Plus they’ve won like 6 Grammys too.
Comment by Jeff — March 19, 2007 @ 1:06 pm
Wow, Paul, you said “Please” twice. (Sarcasm suits you).
I have some questions - “Air Supply” should be called just “Supply”? “Air your dirty laundry” would now be “Non-existent your dirty laundry” And what about “airing your grievances”. There’s so much editing to be done!
Comment by Wordmaven — March 19, 2007 @ 2:13 pm
WM - Once again, let me lay it out for you. Any phrase that uses the word “air” as in “your dirty laundry” or “your grievances” is meant to symbolize vocalization of issues using language. So, there’s no real oxygen being used.
As for “Air Supply” — that’s just a band from the 70’s — we can’t really change the science books because of adult contemporary music. Now can we?
Comment by Pauly D — March 19, 2007 @ 2:42 pm
Air blows. I’ve never been a fan of air. It’s not even remotely cool and interesting like water… which can become all solid and stuff.
Thought I do like the bad “Air” quite a lot… their album “Talkie Walkie” was genius!
Comment by Dave2 — March 19, 2007 @ 3:19 pm
I can’t tell you how happy I am to see that somebody thinks of these things.
The world needs to know, Pauly.
Comment by Stacey — March 19, 2007 @ 6:50 pm
Stacey - Someone has to fill the gap between intelligence and disinformation.
Comment by Pauly D — March 19, 2007 @ 6:59 pm
what are your other “water-filled” experiences?
Comment by Kathleen — March 22, 2007 @ 3:55 pm
oh, and I’ll take the salman
Comment by Kathleen — March 22, 2007 @ 3:56 pm
You’ve forgotten one thing. Fire would not exist without air. Oxygen is required for all combustion reactions. The automobile you drive, the food you cook, and the cigarettes you smoke would be made impossible without fire and air working together. So maybe you should take your chicken and tie a unicorn to its leg to make your analogy more effective.
Comment by Beatrix — March 23, 2007 @ 8:08 am
Beatrix - You bring up a very significant point. Fortunately, without air the automobiles that cloud our skies would be completely gone, and our skies would once again be clear. I don’t know if you’re related to or benefitting from the current raping of society by the oil companies, but without air there’d be no more gas price gauging or pollution or car accidents, drunk driving and deaths. And while we’re at it, no more air would mean no more cigarettes and cancer deaths as well.
Sounds to me like you’re a big supporter of the oil and cigarette companies.
As for me, I’ll stick with no air and unicorns.
Comment by Pauly D — March 23, 2007 @ 9:26 am