Words for My Enjoyment

I’m Officially Done With Bricks

March 13th, 2007

I don’t know what the big deal is about bricks.

Talk to someone who loves bricks and they probably live in a house that contains bricks. Talk to someone who doesn’t live in a house of bricks and they probably have a construction company. Talk to someone who doesn’t live in a house of bricks or work in construction and you’ll probably come face to face with an old-school, granite/brick-loving fool who doesn’t realize that it’s time to take a giant leap into the future and be done with the bricks once and for all.

Yeah. I’m officially done with bricks.

Whenever I’m at parties and I vocalize being officially done with bricks, people often break out the “wood argument.” Oh, man am I so tired of the damn wood argument. Blah blah blah, if you don’t use bricks what the H are you going to use? Wood? And isn’t wood flammable? And isn’t wood going to continue to destroy the rain forests and suck the planet’s oxygen and they go on and on with their pro brick, con wood argument.

Listen people — wood is natural. Wood is a god-given resource. If it wasn’t, trees wouldn’t keep growing after we cut them down. Same goes for ice. If you want to build an igloo with ice, I say go for it. And I’ll support you in that endeavor. If you want to build a house with wood or tree branches or make a mud hut in your backyard, I’m right there with you. But in today’s day and age when you step up and make the conscious decision to use brick in your newly built home or RV…

I’m gonna have to say I’m officially done with you and the bricks.

What are bricks exactly? Where does the word come from? Who invented bricks? Why are they so heavy? How come they’re red? Why do people use them to throw in other people’s front windows? What’s the grey stuff that keeps them all stuck together? How much does a professional bricklayer make per year? Does he get health insurance? Can brick dust give you asthma? Why do my hands feel chafed after holding a brick for hours on end? Is the song “Brickhouse” about a house made of bricks or is it just a funny play on words…

The questions go on forever. And I couldn’t care less.

But when faced with the simplicity of wood, it’s like a breath of fresh air. You know where wood comes from, God invented it, and that’s about it. Even bugs eat wood for sustenance. I’d sure like to see someone eat a brick and feel satisfied after doing that!

Which reminds me of a story. There was this friend of a friend I knew in high school who actually ground a whole brick up into disease-causing dust and then poured the dust into a blender into which he added some strawberry ice cream and some milk and ice. Then he presented said brick-shake to a friend who tasted it and swallowed some of the item and ended up having to go to the hospital.

Once again, bricks injure another human being.

Honestly, I could go on and on with a million reasons why I’m officially over bricks and why you should be officially over bricks, but I’ll just give you ten simple reasons and then you can print out this page, laminate it and take it with you so when you run into those brick-lovers at parties and stuff, you can counter-attack them with these coherent, simple and influential reasons for hating bricks:

1. Heavy
2. Dusty
3. Can injure you if they fall on you.
4. Red
5. Cause chafing to the skin areas.
6. Their time has come and gone, like a thousand gusts of ancient wind.
7. Inspired not-so-great songs like, “Brickhouse” and “Believe It Or Not, I Can’t Walk On Air With This Brick In My Pocket.”
8. Brick rhymes with ’sick’.
9. Brick smells old, like grandma.
10. The song “Brick” ended up breaking up super band Ben Folds Five, for which I will never forgive bricks in general.

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In other news, if you haven’t gotten you phone message in for the WFME Million Hits contest, you might want to take care of that ASAP or be left behind in the digital dust.

Posted under Bricks. |