Words for My Enjoyment

An Open Letter To You, PDF Converter

March 7th, 2007

I know. You’re amazing.

Every time you hear me mutter something like, “I sure wish I could convert this PDF to Word,“ or “It’d sure be great if I could edit the text in this un-editable document,” or “My sister is converting to Judaisim for her fiancee,” there comes your head, popping up from behind your cubicle wall, with offers to assist in all three distinct conversion activities.

And honestly, although my sister could use the help…it’s getting a little tiring.

You’re no better than the Googler, who offers to teach you the elusive search techniques, that you’ve ironically never needed before in your entire life. You’re far less better than the Photoshopper, who insists he can make you look slimmer, more silky, or less wrinkly with the touch of a button. You can’t even touch the mediocrity of the SPAM-solver, who can show you how to teach your e-mail program to put mail from unknown recipients in a junk mail folder that you’re still going to end up checking out of curiosity anyway.

No…you, my glorious PDF converter, should be banished to an island where all the computers only run Microsoft Word, and thus — every single file will never experience what it must be like to live free like the glorious PDF Files of your previous, mainland-esque life.

Don’t get me wrong. I was extremely happy the time you helped me convert that PDF to Excel. It was nice to be able to take someone else’s protected tax return from their blog and use it as my own to save time on the evening of April 14th. But just because a girl goes out with you once, and she lets you kiss her is no reason to assume that when you see her the next day you’re allowed to just go up to her and kiss her again.

There are boundaries in the world that even you, PDF Converter, must obey.

Sometimes, milk is just nice being milk. Without all the chocolate syrup and ice cream and rice getting thrown into the mix. Sometimes, bread is just fine as bread. Without all the jams and cold cuts and mayo-mixed protein salad creations. And yes, sometimes a PDF is just fine being a PDF, without all the Excel translations, text editors and PDF Tutorials.

Yes, sometimes it’d be nice for you to ask me how my weekend was without asking me if I have a PDF I’d like converted.

I know you’re the master of the fax machine and the colonel of the copier and the Stalin of the stapler and the maestro of the mailroom and all those things don’t seem to bother me as much as you being the Pestering PDF converter. There’s a difference between being really good at an office skill and shoving another one down someone’s throat.

So, stop it.

Before we all convert you out in the parking garage after work.

Posted under Office Supplies, Open Letter, PDF Converter. |