Dancing With The Ailments

First let me start by saying…I once dated a girl with a fake leg.

Let me also say that I had no idea she had a fake leg until I had been dating her for at least three or four dates. She either wore jeans or long pants and I was a respectful gentleman who didn’t go grabbing at her legs too soon in the social experiment. But let me tell you, technology had gotten so good at that point, that the leg itself (all colored and weighted to look and feel like a real leg) was extremely realistic enough to fool me.

But that’s not going to happen when Paul McCartney’s ex, Heather Mills, appears on Dancing With The Stars.

I find it extremely funny that a show that is all about your dancing skills (i.e. leg coordination and strength) has decided to cast a woman with only one leg as one of the celebrity contestants. But when I say that I find it funny, it’s not that I find it in bad taste or even to be a bad idea. On the contrary, I find that casting a woman with one leg in a dancing competition is one of the most genius ideas ever and ABC should really embrace the idea 110% instead of just sort of, kind of, testing out the waters to see what America thinks.

I say go for broke, Dancing With The Stars!

Just like Extreme Home Makeover started in their first season by just making over the homes of regular old folks throughout the country, they quickly took the mentality of doing good for families with really over-the-top depressing stories. There was the girl who couldn’t ever go out into the sun. There was the entire deaf family, with one non-deaf child that happened to be handicapped. Oh boy, right? There was even the family who had been raised by wild dogs in the Ozark hills and EHM went and pimped out the cave they had kept all their kills in.

So if Extreme Home Makeover can take the leap, why can’t everyone’s favorite dancing show?

I say go with the woman with one leg. And cast someone like Mickey Rourke, who is mentally unstable. And then cast that woman who got the first ever face transplant. And the list could go on and on. I want to see someone in a wheelchair (but who can do wheelies on stage), someone who’s blind, someone who has narcolepsy, the one-handed drummer from Def Leppard, the successful “little person” actress currently on Boston Legal, someone with multiple personality disorder, and so on and so on.

If you’re going to take a chance, take sixteen chances.

Because while you’re watching the show this season, you’re not going to be able to take your eyes off Heather Mills and her one good leg, endlessly fascinated by just how she’s able to spin the light fantastic on the sheen of that polished wooden floor. But once the excitement of that has worn off, you’ll be hungry for more.

You’ll wonder what it might have been like if Carnie Wilson and her well-documented stomach stapling surgery could have handled the velocity of a triple axle four handed double-trouble careening twister. You’ll converse with your loved ones about how great it might have been if Marlee Matlin, deaf actress from Children of a Lesser God, had to dance without being able to hear the music whatsoever. You’d find yourself giddy with excitement, just thinking about the possibilities that would come along with a contestant who had no…body…whatsoever.

Yes, that’s right. Just a big head.

Am I a programming director for ABC? No. Do I have any say in how Dancing With The Stars casts their contestants? NO. Does this idea sound tasteless, off-color and potentially too controversial to actually work?


I’m amazed they didn’t think of it first.

8 comments on “Dancing With The Ailments

  1. James Cooper - March 5, 2007 at 12:17 pm -

    Dear god I think it just might work. It’d be kinda like National Enquirer meets NASCAR. Youtube would constantly be having to take down clips from that show.

  2. Pauly D - March 5, 2007 at 5:58 pm -

    James – See, that’s exactly what I’m saying. People would watch and be inspired when they saw people less fortunate really striving to win the faux-TV Gold!

  3. Eric - March 6, 2007 at 6:23 am -

    I certainly wouldn’t hate to see a pair of conjoined twins show off there moves.

  4. Dan day ever after - March 6, 2007 at 10:15 am -

    That show is pirouetting on its last leg

  5. Lori - March 6, 2007 at 12:49 pm -

    You totally STOLE my story about dating the guy with an artificial arm. Remember–I’d been on several dates with him, danced with him, dined with him, etc…and then one day he made a joke and I was gonna give him a playful sock in the arm and….THUNK! WHOA, doggies! ARTIFICIAL ARM! How did I miss that?

    You changed the details and took my story. I’m on to you, Davidson.

    (For the record, I have nothing against people who are missing limbs. My break up with Artificial Arm Guy had nothing to do with the artificial arm and everything to do with the fact that he always smelled like soup. Always. Every day.)

  6. CJ - March 6, 2007 at 1:56 pm -

    soup? really? that’s kind of disturbing? was it a creamy kind of soup, like New England clam chowder or something thinner like minestrone?

  7. Pauly D - March 6, 2007 at 2:36 pm -

    Lori – Nice to see you back. As for you dating a one armed man before I dated a one legged woman, I’m sorry — but I was first. Still, she didn’t smell like soup.

  8. […] already talked about how Dancing With The Stars would be far more entertaining as Dancing With The Ailments — a show where one-legged, buck-toothed Heather Mills would no longer have the […]

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