WFME Is Now Officially Recognized As A Non-Profit For-Profit Philanthropical Charity Organization

“Oh my god.”

These were the words dangling forth from my lips yesterday when I hinted at the big changes a comin’ for Words For My Enjoyment. For over three years this site has functioned as a personal humor blog, entertaining readers from across the World with my own words — and hopefully making a difference at every turn where it mattered. And yet, I felt as if something was missing. Something important. Until now.

Until I officially filed papers, making WFME (effective immediately) a non-profit, for profit, philanthropical charity organization.

The American Idol Rejection Construction Kit (Psyche! Edition)

You watch American Idol, right?

Last night, our beloved judges brought the remaining group of hopefuls into a room and told them if they were going to make it onto the show or not. And what struck me very plainly at that moment was that Randy, Paula and Simon need someone to provide them a very special algorithm in order to keep those rejections fresh and the contestants guessing up until that last minute whether or not the judges mean to say they’re through — or kicked to the curb.

So I give you The American Idol Rejection Construction Kit (Psyche! Edition)!

Excerpts From Dick Cheney’s Children’s Bedtime Stories (Publishing Date, Fall ’07)

“…and little Goldilocks tasted the first porridge and it was too cold. And then she tasted the second porridge and it was just too hot. And the third bowl of porridge? Can you guess what Goldilocks thought when she tasted it? No, it was also too cold but even though the porridge and the beds provided unliveable conditions, Goldilocks had friends who could re-make the food, and re-build the beds, and if she made sure they got the jobs to do such work…she would be well taken care of…”

“And I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house down,” screamed the wolf to the pigs. On the inside, the pigs stood strong. This was their home. They weren’t going to let some windbag wolf destroy everything they’d worked for their entire life. They built this house to withstand simple gale force winds! And so the three little pigs hunkered down and yelled back to the evil old wolf to go ahead and do his best. To go ahead and blow all he wanted because they weren’t going anywhere. And so the wolf blew and he blew…and he blew their entire house down, destroying everything in one full swoop. The pigs, of course, learned that when someone as powerful as a wolf gives you a chance to surrender, you do it before he destroys your entire home and pillages your natural resources.”

“And Jack’s mother was horrified, sending him to bed without any supper. For how had he been so stupid? Buying those magic beans with all the money they had? And without consulting her in the first place? Buying magic beans with your own money is one thing, but when there’s other people who get lumped into your decision-making process simply by association or because they happen to be right there next to you, like Jack’s mother — well, it not only makes the magic bean buyer look stupid, but it also makes the guy, er, mother — look stupid too. So the moral of the story is you don’t ever buy magic beans with money that isn’t yours, especially if your mother told you in the first place to take that money, make it disappear through other secret channels, then use it in the way you originally planned without ever getting caught in the first place.”

It’s Time To Go Back To The Drawing Board When It Comes To My Latest Batch of Clever Answering Machine Messages

“Hi. I’m not home right now. Actually, I might be home but not answering the phone. But really, honestly, is anyone ever really home? Aren’t we all just wanderers, searching out for that ultimate be-all end-all home? The kind of home we only fully reach when we’ve left our earthly bodies behind and we’ve ascended to the next level of consciousness? Isn’t it only then, at that shining moment of clarity, when we’re finally, really, one-hundred percent at-”

[Beep]

“Yo! I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want. So tell me what you want, what you really really want, I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want, so tell me what you want what you really really want, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna…message!”

[Beep]

“Listen quickly — Idon’thavemuchtimeandeverythingsjustgotmoredangerousforus. I walked too close to the sun, you could say, andnowthey’reafterme. Whichmeansthey’reafteryou, too. Oh my- W-w-wait a second. Ohno. They’reoutsidethehouse. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! Quick! Leaveyourinfoatthetone so I know where to find you. Do it! At the tone!”

[Gunshot & Beep]

“Thank you for calling the Make A Wish Foundation answering machine hotline for Paul Davidson. If you’re calling because you read about Paul’s wish to have his answering machine message tape completely filled up with messages in this morning’s Los Angeles Times, and you’re calling to help him reach that goal — please go ahead and leave a message. If you read about his wish and have chosen not to leave a message…then you’re just a heartless, cold-hearted snake and we hope you die.”

[Beep]