Today’s Brief Question About Why People Don’t Think I Can Pull Off The ‘Bat Thing’

I have a bat, okay?

No, not the animal that hangs upside down in a cave and screeches when you shine a light in its eyes. No, it’s a metal bat and I keep it hidden somewhere in my home so that when someone crosses the boundary that they’re not supposed to cross, I will take said referenced bat and beat the living crap out of them. And yet, no one thinks I can pull off “the bat thing.”


Why do people believe I have a tazer gun but they don’t believe I have a bat? Why do people believe I have throwing stars, but not a bat? I could easily be the guy with the bat. I even played Little League when I was a kid. I know how to use a bat, people. Give me a bat and a tense situation and I will “swing away” so well, that if I had to bash the head in of an alien creature in my living room — I would.

So why don’t people think I can pull off the “bat thing?”

I have great eye/hand coordination. I have broad shoulders. My arms are long enough to provide me with a great swinging arc, and combine that with my biceps and you’ve got a man who can totally pull off the “bat thing.”

I can.

So why do they think I can’t?

Today’s post is dedicated to midget children with Trisomy 21, a horrible chromosomal birth defect that one of my commenters sought fit to make fun of. I only hope we can someday find a cure for both the disease and insensitive commenters such as Logan X.

13 comments on “Today’s Brief Question About Why People Don’t Think I Can Pull Off The ‘Bat Thing’

  1. Jacquie - February 28, 2007 at 5:56 am -

    You don’t have the guts!

  2. Jerry - February 28, 2007 at 6:11 am -

    What are your lifetime stats, man? Perhaps if you list them folks might reconsider you and the bat thing. Also, if you are taking any performance enhancing drugs which would improve your swing (and aggressive tendancies) you should admit that.

    (In addition to a bat, I have glasses of water placed in a seemingly random pattern throughout my house — just in case)

  3. Eric - February 28, 2007 at 8:21 am -

    Actually biceps are very helpful in swinging a bat, it’s the triceps you want to work on.

  4. Pauly D - February 28, 2007 at 8:41 am -

    Jacquie – I so do. I’m made of guts!

    Jerry – Well, I once hit a guy with a bat and broke his nose. Does that count? I was never good at baseball, but I am good at hitting big moving targets.

    Eric – I’m assuming you mean biceps aren’t very helpful, but triceps are. I’ve got big manly triceps, too.

  5. CJ - February 28, 2007 at 9:12 am -

    While I don’t doubt your capability to “swing away”, because when you put anyone in that situation, using a weapon of opportunity, you bet your ass they’ll be swinging for the fences.
    My only concern for you is this:
    I can’t imagine a invader coming into your home empty handed, that being said, I also don’t belive that they’d bring anything that a bat would trump. So while this, would be robber comes traipsing into you home, and you respond, lugging around your metal bat, how could it possibly be effective if the aforementioned robber is weilding say, a gun? Bringing a knife to a gun fight is bad, but I think bringing a bat would be even worse.
    If I had the choice for optimal security, I’d install various trap doors and booby traps in my house, cause while a burgular might have a gun, what good is it going to do him when he’s in a bunker 9 feet under the ground surrounded by bangel tigers? Or if he’s launched onto my flypaper lined cathederal cielings, stuck until the authorities arrive?
    I’m not saying you’re not a bat guy, for all intents and purposes be one.
    I’m just worried that while you might BE a bat guy, that being such might spell your demise when confronting a, morally remiss, gun guy.

  6. Jerry - February 28, 2007 at 11:25 am -

    CJ — the secret bunker with tigers, flypaper ceilings, your use of the word ‘demise’ — are you in any way affliated with the Legion of Doom?

  7. Jaana - February 28, 2007 at 11:42 am -

    I would be afraid of anyone wielding a bat. I’m sure you could pull it of in a pinch, Pauly.

    The pen is mightier than the bat, anyway.

  8. Pauly D - February 28, 2007 at 11:49 am -

    CJ – Thanks for the concern. It’s made me think that if I can duct tape a gun to the end of the bat, maybe I’ll be killing two birds with one stone. Thoughts?

    Jaana – That’s why I love you, J. You speak the truth.

  9. Dan day ever after - February 28, 2007 at 11:51 am -

    A bat is more useful when you have the balls to go with it

    What you can do when someone has a bat, is you get in real close where the bat has no effect, without the force of momentum and then you can go for a knee or the throat while Batman’s hands are full

    But don’t try it at home, kids.

  10. CJ - February 28, 2007 at 1:05 pm -

    Jerry- No, I have no affiliation with the Legion of Doom, (whatever that may be). I guess I just have an over-active imagination.

    Pauly D- That idea could work. But, you then have factor in, how it is the trigger would be pulled on that dandy little gun of yours? Also… aim.

    I’ve been pondering other ways; and I’ve come up with another, gunless solution. Now, recognizing the fact that people who deem breaking and entering acceptable have to have a little bit of a crazy factor going on. So, the best way to deal with them, is simply, appear to be crazier than they are.
    I don’t care who you are, but if you had a gun, and you’re stopped by a person carrying a bat with an obvious mental disturbance, 9 times out of 10, you’re going to leave that person alone, because, with a noted lapse in the mental process, who knows what that person is capable of. I certainly wouldn’t like to find out.

    So, if the gun/bat or “gat”, fails testing, start practicing your uber crazy look, and make up some catch phrases of insanity that you can scream that will confuse and ultimately weaken your intruder.

  11. Wordmaven - February 28, 2007 at 1:56 pm -

    I believe you have a bat. I believe YOU believe you could make some aliens sorry they invaded your domain with said bat. The idea of you with throwing stars? THAT made me giggle – Thanks!

  12. JM - February 28, 2007 at 4:28 pm -

    Strangely, this post has no photo.

    I have a bat, okay?

    OK… where’s the photographic evidence?

  13. Stacey - March 1, 2007 at 6:55 pm -

    I don’t know, Pauly. Maybe if it were a cricket bat I could see it.

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