If I Was A Funny Wonder Twin

“Wonder Twin powers activate! Form of an eagle!”

They would be the words you would utter if you were one half of a Wonder Twin power partnership. And me, being the other half of said Wonder Twin power partnership, I would most likely reply: “Form of a useless pail of water, to be carried by said eagle!” On one hand, you would probably look at me with that disappointing Wonder Twin power look, but on the other hand you would probably guffaw — since not only would I be a Wonder Twin, filled with the power of a thousand un-Wonder twins, but I would also be a Funny Wonder Twin.

And that would make all the difference.

The unfunny Wonder Twins would wish they had the punchlines we did. While the stoic Wonder Twins would form two objects that would easily fit together (i.e. “form of a cheetah” and “form of a bomb to be carried by said cheetah” OR “form of an albatross” and “form of a survival kit to be dropped upon a country needing said survival kit”), that wouldn’t be a goal of mine as a Funny Wonder Twin.

I’d be all about the unknowing punchline.

For when you turned into an eagle, I might actually turn into a sweater to be worn by said eagle! For when you turned into a bear, I might turn into a peanut-butter and jelly sandwich secured and safe in a Tupperware container! When you turned into an iceberg, I would turn into a glass of water since global warming would soon turn you into liquid anyway, and why not have a nice cold glass of global warming water while we’re fighting crime and stuff?

Villains would laugh. We would guffaw. Those serious Wonder Twins would dream of being us.

Sometimes, you’d turn into an anvil. And I’d, just for laughs, an ant! Why, you’d ask, would I turn into an ant when you turned into an anvil? “Have you ever seen an ant carry an anvil,” I’d ask. You’d look at me, realizing the humor of it all, and laugh hysterically because YES…an ant has never been seen carrying an anvil and what hilarity would ensue when people actually saw an ant carrying an anvil. Sure, some people would say, “well, ants can carry like 100 times their weight,” — but that wouldn’t be the point.

My humor and sense of irony would.

Maybe you’d turn into a wave. Yes, it’s something you could do. And me, being wacky and enjoying the practice of playing off puns, I’d probably turn into a big detached oversized hand doing the high-five. You’d be like, why did you turn into a big hand doing a high-five, when I turned into a big water wave. You should have turned into a big trough or something to carry said wave of water. And I’d say something like, sure — but I was playing off you being a wave, as in a hand waving to someone, and complimenting that visual with a big hand doing a high-five… I.e., another thing a hand can do!

After some explanation, you’d chuckle to yourself at the subtle humor of it all.

You’d take the form of a dragon…I’d take the form of a flame retardent crib blanket! You’d take the form of a tornado…and I’d take the form of Helen Hunt, tornado hunter/scientist. You’d take the form of a dinosaur, and I’d take the form of a pack of cigarettes (and let you smoke them, as said dinosaur). Each thing you’d become would become even more ironic and funny when your funny Wonder Twin (ME) really turned things around by turning into something you’d never expect.

We might not fight as much crime as originally expected — but isn’t laughter better than a lower crime percentage?

I’d definitely have a trademark “joke,” that’s for sure. You know, there’d be one thing that I’d turn into more often than all the other things. It’d be my “Take My Wife Please” of Wonder Twin turning-into jokes. It’d be my “I Don’t Get Any Respect” tagline, but in a visual form. When you’d think of me as a funny Wonder Twin, your mind would go right to the one thing I turned into more than anything else…

A Pepperoni & Cheese Hot Pocket.

The reasons, at first, wouldn’t be easy to spot. But if you’ve ever bit into a Hot Pocket even twenty minutes after cooking that mother — you’ll realize that the contents inside stay so friggin hot that one drip onto your foe, and third-degree burns would be their bedfellow.

Form of an eagle, and a pepperoni and cheese hot pocket!
Form of a bear, and a pepperoni and cheese hot pocket!
Form of a unicorn, and a pepperoni and cheese hot pocket!

Funny Wonder Twin.

Embrace me.

7 comments on “If I Was A Funny Wonder Twin

  1. Dave2 - February 24, 2007 at 9:41 am -

    Do you have a twin? Because powers alone does not a Wonder Twin make!

  2. Pauly D - February 24, 2007 at 10:04 am -

    IF, Dave. If.

  3. Dmitriy - February 24, 2007 at 10:26 am -


  4. CJ - February 24, 2007 at 12:13 pm -

    It can easily be said that the fiery magma that comes sprouting from the aforementioned hot pocket, scalding anything it comes in contact with, is probably one of the worst things in the world.

  5. Wordmaven - February 24, 2007 at 4:28 pm -

    Soo… not that you asked me or anything…but IF I was your straight man Wonder Twin –
    I would say:
    “Form of a Tiger!”
    And you would say:
    Shape of: ” “Isn’t it Ironic” by Alanis Morisette.”
    Which would be sooo funny because even though you would have built up a reputation for irony, that song is not ironic!

  6. Jerry - February 25, 2007 at 6:00 am -

    Separated at birth I think. Wonder Triplets, Zan, Jana and PAULIE (pretty sure the separation was wholly intentional on the part of the Justice League — elitist bastards! They never had a sense of humor unless they were all laughing at those less fortunate who attempted to get ahead by cutting corners here and there. They did that self-righeous group laugh at the end of every episode, too.)

  7. Torgo - February 26, 2007 at 10:06 pm -

    I still have a visible scar from a Philly cheesesteak hot pocket that spurted “Satan’s man-seed” on my chin on Super Bowl Sunday. Hellfire Pockets is a better name for these little bastards!

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