You watch American Idol, right?
Last night, our beloved judges brought the remaining group of hopefuls into a room and told them if they were going to make it onto the show or not. And what struck me very plainly at that moment was that Randy, Paula and Simon need someone to provide them a very special algorithm in order to keep those rejections fresh and the contestants guessing up until that last minute whether or not the judges mean to say they’re through — or kicked to the curb.
So I give you The American Idol Rejection Construction Kit (Psyche! Edition)!
Just take one phrase from column A and one from column B and then add a finishing move from column C — and contestants will have no idea whether to cry or scream with joy until the last word has left your mouth. In fact, you might even give Simon Cowell a run for his money as the best “make the contestant sweat with news that sounds bad when it actually might be good” deliverer ever.
Go ahead, try your hand at your very own American Idol dramatic reveal with our handy WFME chart:
[Disappointing head shake]
I’m sad to say…
Tough luck, my friend…
[Clearing throat, coughing]
Boy, it’s sure tough to tell you that…
I hope you felt like you did your best, because…
So, here’s the thing…
Sometimes you have to cut your losses…
Let’s hope you’ve never contemplated suicide, because-
I just hope you’re not taking any prozac for depression, because…
First let me say, getting this far was huge…but-
Oh boy, this is gonna be tought for you…
Look. Working at a water purification plant is a good job…
It looks like paying back all that debt you have is going to have to wait for now..
Sometimes, life isn’t fair…
It really breaks me up inside to tell you that…
…just like Hiroshima, you’re going to blow-up…like a huuuuge star!
…if going home means going to Hollywood — then you are here to stay!
…you’re going to have even MORE chances to do your best by continuing on with us!
…you’d better pay those parking tickets, because you’re gonna be driving around a lot in LA!
…you are NOT going to leave this room NOT NOT NOT feeling depressed!!
…come tomorrow, you’re going to wake up being a pre-pre-pre-pre WINNER!
…you have just been kicked out…OF THE GROUP OF LOSERS!!
…this just isn’t working, so you’re going to have to take it to THE NEXT LEVEL!
…you had better just throw away those TV clothes, because we’re gonna give you EVEN BETTER ONES!
…your performances were like the Pearl Harbor disaster — a smash hit!
…L is for Loser, and I’ve got an L in my pocket I’m about to throw at you, but oh wait a second here, is there also an E and an R in my pocket!? And do you know what letters E and R are a part of!? WINNER! That’s right. You’re a winner! You can have the L if you want, too.
…we think, unfortunately, that you sadly, depressingly, are the BEST of them ALL!
…the Producers didn’t think you should come back, but we OVERRULED THEM!
…you stuck out like a sore thumb, and WE LOVE YOU FOR THAT!!
…because you’re just like dog poo… you’re STUCK WITH US!
…at the end of today you’ll be going home, to the HOTEL! Which is your new HOME! While you stay here in Los Angeles, continuing to live here in a home-like atmosphere we call HOLLYWOOD! Which means you made it, by the way!
[Flash peace sign with hands]
[Kiss on both cheeks]
[Sign ‘o the devil, with sly grin]
[Spin around in ergonomic chair, rub hair]
[Fake frown, then turn that baby AROUND!]
[Mild seizure, followed by laughter indicating it was all a joke]
[Group hug, all 3 judges involved]
[Hands to the sky, ‘hoo hoo’]
[Moonwalk, then do a Michael Jackson “hoo”]
[Randy Jackson-inspired dog-pound hand shake]
[Male hug, one arm around back — other to the side]
[Shed single tear]
[Laughter, almost infectious-like]
[Take off shirt, rub chest]
[Laughing on the outside, crying on the inside because deep down you know the only reason you let the person through was that there was a burgeoning romance with another finalist and that will make for good reality TV]
Has WFME missed an option? Please, let us know.