It’s Time To Go Back To The Drawing Board When It Comes To My Latest Batch of Clever Answering Machine Messages

“Hi. I’m not home right now. Actually, I might be home but not answering the phone. But really, honestly, is anyone ever really home? Aren’t we all just wanderers, searching out for that ultimate be-all end-all home? The kind of home we only fully reach when we’ve left our earthly bodies behind and we’ve ascended to the next level of consciousness? Isn’t it only then, at that shining moment of clarity, when we’re finally, really, one-hundred percent at-”


“Yo! I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want. So tell me what you want, what you really really want, I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want, so tell me what you want what you really really want, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna…message!”


“Listen quickly — Idon’thavemuchtimeandeverythingsjustgotmoredangerousforus. I walked too close to the sun, you could say, andnowthey’reafterme. Whichmeansthey’reafteryou, too. Oh my- W-w-wait a second. Ohno. They’reoutsidethehouse. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod! Quick! Leaveyourinfoatthetone so I know where to find you. Do it! At the tone!”

[Gunshot & Beep]

“Thank you for calling the Make A Wish Foundation answering machine hotline for Paul Davidson. If you’re calling because you read about Paul’s wish to have his answering machine message tape completely filled up with messages in this morning’s Los Angeles Times, and you’re calling to help him reach that goal — please go ahead and leave a message. If you read about his wish and have chosen not to leave a message…then you’re just a heartless, cold-hearted snake and we hope you die.”


7 comments on “It’s Time To Go Back To The Drawing Board When It Comes To My Latest Batch of Clever Answering Machine Messages

  1. Dan day ever after - February 13, 2007 at 11:09 am -

    I think this is the diminishing event horizon, where two entities have traveled beyond the gravitational influence of the other; like a ship leaving harbor at that point where her passengers can no longer make out distinct shapes or words from the waving and shouting of the devoted well wishers, still on the dock.

  2. Janet - February 13, 2007 at 12:08 pm -

    Messages ending with gunshots are always deliciously controversial. However, the best answering machine message I’ve ever heard was yesterday when I was calling my sister:

    You have reached the dictionary hotline. Today’s word is:


  3. Wordmaven - February 13, 2007 at 5:14 pm -

    “Davidson’s Massage Parlor – We don’t rub you the wrong way!”

  4. Pauly D - February 13, 2007 at 7:42 pm -

    Janet – Ooh, a daily dictionary message. That sounds like the time I did a daily condiment message. It would just be my voice saying something like “Mustard.” Surprisingly, I got a lot of people responding with “Ketchup” then just hanging up.

    Wordmaven – Now now… This site is viewed by CHILDREN.

  5. Karl - February 14, 2007 at 9:10 am -

    As usual, wonderfully creative messages. I used to go out of my way to create such things for my machine. Now I can’t be bothered. I just say, “Hey, it’s me. You know what to do.” [Beeeeeep!]

  6. Jacquie - February 15, 2007 at 6:07 am -

    Ooooh, I think my favorite is the one for the Make a Wish Foundation. I don’t know .. they are all so good. Do you really put these on your voicemail? I bet you do!

    I think I may have to steal the spice girls one.

    I gave you and the Lost Bblogs some lovin on my blog today.

    I hope you felt it did you some justice. You know I could have gone on and on in my ravings there but I didn’t want to come off as being too needy or obsessed 😉

  7. Bob - February 16, 2007 at 5:28 pm -

    My favorite message was just the word “hello?,” a pause, then “Gotcha! This is the answering machine. Please leave a message after the beep.”

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