Today’s Brief Question About Why People Don’t Think I Can Pull Off The ‘Bat Thing’

I have a bat, okay?

No, not the animal that hangs upside down in a cave and screeches when you shine a light in its eyes. No, it’s a metal bat and I keep it hidden somewhere in my home so that when someone crosses the boundary that they’re not supposed to cross, I will take said referenced bat and beat the living crap out of them. And yet, no one thinks I can pull off “the bat thing.”

Why?

Why do people believe I have a tazer gun but they don’t believe I have a bat? Why do people believe I have throwing stars, but not a bat? I could easily be the guy with the bat. I even played Little League when I was a kid. I know how to use a bat, people. Give me a bat and a tense situation and I will “swing away” so well, that if I had to bash the head in of an alien creature in my living room — I would.

So why don’t people think I can pull off the “bat thing?”

I have great eye/hand coordination. I have broad shoulders. My arms are long enough to provide me with a great swinging arc, and combine that with my biceps and you’ve got a man who can totally pull off the “bat thing.”

I can.

So why do they think I can’t?

Today’s post is dedicated to midget children with Trisomy 21, a horrible chromosomal birth defect that one of my commenters sought fit to make fun of. I only hope we can someday find a cure for both the disease and insensitive commenters such as Logan X.

Picking Apart The Concept Of Pouring Some Sugar On Me

Def Leppard.

Classic 80’s rock band. Awesome stadium performers. Authors of some of the most incomprehensible song concepts ever. Specifically, the one about pouring some sugar on another person in the name of love.

Which sort of defeats the purpose of trying to find a unique way to tell the person you love that you really love them that much since you’re not giving them flowers or anything, but instead slathering them with a mass commodity condiment. Because pouring granules of sugar on them…?

Yeah, I think we’ll be picking apart the concept of pouring some sugar on me.

An Insider’s Look At NBC’s Heroes (Major Spoilers Ahead)

I recently had the opportunity to speak with someone on the inside at NBC’s hit show Heroes.

Some of you may or may not have seen the show, but it’s a runaway smash hit for the peacock network and it’s no surprise. Sci-Fi normally doesn’t find a home on major networks, so the occurence of Heroes showing up on NBC created a situation where viewers unfamiliar with the genre finally got to experience something unique.

But now, people are wondering if the show actually knows where it’s going… And I luckily had the opportunity to find out just where the journey will take the Heroes, the viewers and me.

An Excerpt From My New Play, “Bringing Sexy Back”

Lights up.

[A man and woman sit opposite each other at a small, quaint cafe — sipping delicate glasses of wine.]

Man: “And then I graduated from Princeton in June. I had a wonderful experience, that’s for sure.”
Woman: “So what are your plans now that you’re out?”
Man: “Oh, I plan on bringing sexy back.”
Woman: “Bringing…sexy what-?”
Man: “Bringing. Sexy. Back.”
Woman: “From where?”
Man: “What do you mean, from where?”
Woman: “You said you’re bringing sexy back. From where?”
Man: “Darling, it’s a metaphor. I’m not technically physically carrying sexy back.”
Woman: “Oh. So, um — what do you mean then, when you say you’re bringing sexy back?”
Man: “How’s the wine?”
Woman: “Don’t change the subject.”
Man: “Fine. What’s your question.”
Woman: “What do you mean by saying you’re bringing sexy back?”
Man: “You know how the 70’s were very sexy?”
Woman: “Were they?”
Man: “Disco. Remember?”
Woman: “Oh, right. Disco. Okay. So you’re bringing disco back?”
Man: “Nooo. You know how disco had that sexy feeling to it?”
Woman: “I guess.”
Man: “Well, can you remember the last time, since the 70’s, that society had that kind of sexy going on?”
Woman: “The 80’s had a lot of sexy in it.”
Man: “The 80’s. Sexy? C’mon now.”
Woman: “I thought the 80’s was sexy.”
Man: “You thought Tom Cruise was sexy.”
Woman: “So?”
Man: “So not sexy.”
Woman: “Fine. So what steps do you need to take to bring sexy back?”
Man: “No steps. You just bring sexy back. It just happens.”
Woman: “Just like THAT?”
Man: “Sexy just sort of brings itself back.”
Woman: “So, technically — you’re not really bringing sexy back. You’re accompanying sexy back since it sort of can come back on its own?”
Man: “I’m sort of like sexy’s chaperone.”
Woman: “And when is sexy coming back, just so I know?”
Man: “Next Thursday. 3pm.”
Woman: “I can’t wait.”
Man: “Yeah. Me neither. Bringing sexy back, baby! Woo hoo!”
Woman: “Woo. Hoo.”

Lights down.

Chat with other WFME readers right NOW about this glorious excerpt, benefitting clubbed seals of Alaska.

If I Was A Funny Wonder Twin

“Wonder Twin powers activate! Form of an eagle!”

They would be the words you would utter if you were one half of a Wonder Twin power partnership. And me, being the other half of said Wonder Twin power partnership, I would most likely reply: “Form of a useless pail of water, to be carried by said eagle!” On one hand, you would probably look at me with that disappointing Wonder Twin power look, but on the other hand you would probably guffaw — since not only would I be a Wonder Twin, filled with the power of a thousand un-Wonder twins, but I would also be a Funny Wonder Twin.

And that would make all the difference.