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January 12th, 2007
First…read this.
Then marvel in amazement as I take what I learned from my unfortunate run-in with the homeless man asking for money and completely screw it up a second time:
Homeless Guy: “Got any change?”
Me: “Well, now that’s an interesting question.”
Homeless Guy: “Got any cash, then?”
Me: “Also a very interesting question. Thanks for asking!”
Homeless Guy: “Well if you don’t have change or cash, how are you going buy anything in there?”
[I pause. This is what it all comes down to.]
Me: “I’m actually exchanging something I already bought here for something of equal or lesser value.”
[SNAP! Triumph.]
Homeless Guy: “Yet you have nothing in your hands.”
[Oops.]
Me: “It’s in the car. Which I forgot. Which I’m going to go get right now.”
Homeless Guy: “Oh. My bad. Sorry.”
[I go back to the car and just drive home. I'll come back later with used pills or something and try this again.]
Posted under Street Smarts, Things That Rhyme With Gnomeless. | 5 Comments »
January 11th, 2007
Crying works.
Let’s face it. If you’ve ever gingerly tried to break up with someone (for the first time) and they’ve started bawling — sometimes you’ve backed off on your decision. If you’ve ever been faced with a crying child, you’ve probably desperately done whatever you could to make them feel better. If there’s anything that can get anyone to back down off their high horse and become submissive to your emotional breakdown in the fastest time possible…it’s crying.
That’s why, effective immediately, I will be crying to make my own life easier.
Posted under Emotions, Things I Plan On Doing Immediately. | 11 Comments »
January 10th, 2007
THE BLOG POST
The silly two-headed writer ate strongly before his tennis screen. There he licked the kitten and thought of chocolate as he quickly crafted his candy-cane fruit cake. “I’m a lumberjack,” he cackled as he tore off his left-arm and ran wackily through the cobblestone streets of a small French village near Paris. But he wrote crazily. Wackily. Hurriedly. He had deadlines to meet and a public to appease and a small eclair filled with peanut butter that Mrs. Heckerling gave him on their second date while skydiving.
“I’d buy that for a dollar,” she had cried from the top of the whipped-cream dunes — leaving big-headed Pauly D with a blog post to write and no iguana in his pocket. Weirdly, the autistic Pauly D continued to write haphazardly but with lyrical goony-ness, hoping to reach the pinnacle of a gumdrop mountain he had never reached before.
“Viola!” he screamed, jumping up and down like a make-up’d clown stuffed into a bean and cheese burrito at a traveling circus’ wild and wacky main event. The eerie blog post had been finished, and the grieving Pauly D knew in his metal-reinforced head that the day could only get better now that he’d had his left arm transplated with his right.
Posted under Blogging, Mad Libs. | 7 Comments »
January 9th, 2007
Some people like to make New Year’s resolutions.
Not me. It’s a waste of time putting those kind of dreams out there for the rest of the world to keep track of. Instead, I prefer to look back at the previous year and admit to doing all the things I didn’t admit to doing when I was doing them in the first place. Think of it as my own virtual confessional, laying claim to a slew of illegal, hurtful and just plain strange activities that I was responsible for.
I just hope you don’t hate me when all is said and done.
Posted under 2007 Bloggies, Admissions, Awards, Blogging. | 8 Comments »
January 8th, 2007
x + 2y
——–
z - 1
Where x equals total number of relationships you ended
Where y equals number of times you said “I Love You”
Where z equals your current age
The numerical answer you come up with must be 1 or less to continue striving for romance. If your result is more than the number 1, common wisdom suggests you stop pursuing any romance altogether as you’ve failed way too many times already.
Hope this has helped.
Posted under Dating, Math. | 15 Comments »
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