Words for My Enjoyment

I am writing you this letter after having left numerous messages for the owner and manager of your restaurant. While I have enjoyed your food for the last three years — I have recently experienced many problems with my recent food orders and am hoping that the management will do something to make things right. I have kept detailed notes about my recent issues, which are outlined below:

10/12/06: Ordered extra chicken on chopped salad, with dressing on the side. When arrived to pick up food, asked specifically, “is there extra chicken on that chopped salad and is there dressing on the side?” Worker responded, “yes sir there’s extra chicken on that chopped salad and we’ve put the dressing on the side. Do you want bread, too?” The offer of extra bread was obviously some kind of misdirection, as when I got home and opened up my salad — there was no extra chicken and it was mixed in with the dressing.

10/18/06: Ordered the Italian salad that comes with the crisp pepper bread on the side. Only reason I ordered the salad was that I had a craving for the crisp pepper bread. When I got home with the salad, there was no crisp pepper bread, but instead - sourdough bread slices. I called to ask about what happened to the crisp pepper bread and the person who answered the phone said that you were out of crisp pepper bread, but no one told me when I ordered “the salad with that crisp pepper bread” that there would be no crisp pepper bread. This was a big problem.

11/3/06: Ordered a “super-tossed” caesar salad. Instead, got a tossed caesar salad. When I complained, your staff said there was no such thing as tossing a salad where absolutely every piece of lettuce is drenched in dressing. In fact, there is. That’s what a “super-tossed salad” is. Just add more dressing until it’s superly tossed. I can talk more to this point if and when you have time.

12/12/06: On this particular occasion I was stunned to find that I had been only given three croutons in my salad. When I called to ask why I had only received three croutons, your staff mentioned that they were “three big croutons.” I mentioned that even if they were huge croutons, three croutons are still not enough for any salad of any size. Your staff said that I could come back and get more croutons but it shouldn’t be up to me to add to the crouton-count in the first place. Then while I was waiting to find out if your delivery people could bring me additional croutons, I heard someone on the other end of the phone call me “The Crouton Crier.” I did not cry, but having a decent amount of crunch is necessary for a satisfying salad experience.

12/31/06: New Year’s Eve. Attempting to give your establishment one last chance, I ordered five chicken chopped salads, with dressing on the side, with extra croutons — super tossed. I received just that, with one exception. Each salad felt lighter than normal. While I haven’t weighed your salads in the past, I could tell by holding them lightly on my palms that they had less lettuce in them. I asked your staff if they’d recently changed the portion sizes to which they said no and that the change in weight must be all in my head. Well, let me tell you — after I finished eating I was still hungry. Something I normally don’t feel after eating a salad from your restaurant. I was shorted at least a half head of lettuce, collectively.

1/3/07: My last experience with your restaurant until I hear back from you. I swung by casually, ordered a lemonade. You’d think you guys could do lemonade correctly — but apparently not. Way too much ice. So much so that I got about three sips and there wasn’t any drink left. I asked for a refill but they wanted to charge me. I pointed out all the ice. No one seemed to care. A mountain of ice is a great way to make money but it’s a horrible way to make your customers happy.