Words for My Enjoyment

Words For Your Enjoyment: Excite-o-Lifes

January 26th, 2007

Fridays used to be glorious until I found out that the ancient origins of the word “Friday” happens to be “Fry-day” as in “day that innocent people were burnt as offerings to the gods.”

Now I spit on you, Friday.

But since I never had anything to do with public burnings and since I don’t plan on getting involved in public burnings anytime soon (at least not until the Officially Sponsored Armageddon) — I have decided to reinstate WFME’s wonderful “Words For Your Enjoyment.” That’s where you supply the idea, I write it, and we all forget about the witch trials and the drownings and yes…the burnings.

And this week — things just happen to get even more exciting.

Longtime reader, commenter and hang-gliding teacher Susan writes:

“Your life is reportedly very exciting, what with the bread bowls and celebrity sightings and all. Whose life is more exciting than yours? Really, whose? Let’s say you had your own stalker, (not me, I’m way too lazy and busy really watching real football) what surprising things might they find out about you?”

Well, Susan — isn’t that a very stalker-esque question.

At first when I read Susan’s suggestion/information retrieval ruse, I was concerned. For what if I were to provide a list of the Pauly D “surprising details of his life” (copyright 2007) only to find out that Susan was, in fact, a stalker in the first place. It was like that scene right out of The Princess Bride where our fearless hero had to decide which cup had the poison in it — and here I sat staring at the poison in a cup, except the poison was an e-mail asking about details of my life and the cup was the e-mail box that said e-mail had arrived in, even though the cup was a physical item and the e-mail box was more of a digital, figurative item…

Well, you get where I’m coming from.

Then I decided, you know what? Susan technically asked me TWO questions and since I’m really good at avoiding most questions I don’t want to answer I would instead focus on the question, “Whose life is more exciting than yours?” But quickly, as I focused on the question, the list of people whose lives were more exciting than mine just grew and grew and grew. Names like Vice President Cheyney and Carrot Top filled my head and the depression and despair grew and grew like a festering growth on ones’ toe that could only be destroyed by WFME’s beloved Lamisil. So instead, I decided to tweak Susan’s question and tell you exactly whose life is less exciting than mine.

And that person just happens to be…Paula Abdul.

If you were to compare me and Paula Abdul back in the 90’s, Paula Abdul would probably have had a more exciting life than I. While I was drinking myself into oblivion in a collegiate atmosphere, she was choreographing awesome music videos and classic scenes like the piano sequence in Big and the Cuba Gooding, Jr. touchdown dance in Jerry Maguire. While I was passed out and people were writing horrible things on my forehead in black ink, she was just getting going on her glorious DVD cheerleading/fitness/dance DVD series called Cardio Cheer, which incidentally was marketed to children and teenage girls involved with cheerleading and dance.

But then came Paula Abdul’s dark times…and my life far exceeded hers on the excite-o-meter.

Between 1995 and 2000, although Abdul released a mediocre CD — she pretty much disappeared off the entire face of the Earth and yours truly began producing and co-hosting his classic West Coast cable show/cultural sensation the 27th Hour — which included groundbreaking interviews with bigtime bands like No Doubt, as well as hilarious interviews with people obsessed with Star Trek. Paula Abdul disappeared into obscurity while yours truly excelled to the exciting extreme.

Paula’s romantic relationships partnered her with actor John Stamos, talk show Arsenio Hall, actor/director Emilio Esevez, clothing manufacturer Brad Beckerman, professional golfer Hank Kuehne, and millionaire Colton Melby. Pauly D was linked with that girl who thought he had an English Accent, that other girl who was the cheerleader at the local college and who thought New Jersey was it’s own country, that girl who had a fake leg but kept it so secret that it took Paul five dates before he realized, that other girl who smelled like almonds, and that other girl obsessed with Jon Bon Jovi so much so that he would eventually lose a girl to a 2-dimensional glossy poster.

Paula Abdul - 1, Pauly D - 23.

Today, Paula Abdul can be found doing interviews on National Television while obviously drunk or under the influence of prescription drugs. And me? Well, I’m doing sober, superior interviews on National Television.

She might be a judge on TV’s American Idol — but I watch the show religiously.

It’s really no question in my mind, in answering the opposite of Susan’s question, whose life is less exciting than mine. And in this case, that less exciting life is being led by none other than Paula Abdul.

I hope this clears everything up.

Posted under American Idol, Paula Abdul, The 27th Hour, WFYE. |