I Could Be Your Cream Cheese Concierge
January 19th, 2007
There’s cream cheese and then there’s cream cheese.
Ask most people who are currently toasting up an onion bagel what they want on their onion bagel and nine times out of then they’re going to tell you “cream cheese.” No, they won’t suggest what kind, what fat-content type, what consistency, what brand, or even what flavor. They’ll just assume that any cream cheese is fine for a toasted onion bagel, which happens to be the most short-sighted cream cheese decision making process ever.
But if I was your cream cheese concierge? We’d fix that all up.
When I tell people that I could be their cream cheese concierge, their first question is always, “Okay, but what kind of experience do you have?” In fact, the question of experience level has been thrown at me so often, that I worked up a resume that I simply shove in their face so there’s no more doubt hovering around us. And once said questioners see my resume and experience in the world of cream cheese concierge-ing, they usually swallow any and all doubt.
2003 TO PRESENT
Cream Cheese Concierge - Various Locations
- Advise clients and individuals in the bi-weekly decision making process regarding bagels, cream cheese and additional accessories related to/for a cream cheese scenario.
- Acted as a consultant for various Fortune 500 companies involved in Friday “Bagel Days” in which multiple cream cheese containers were required to be purchased for bagel slathering.
- Held local debates with city political and religious leaders to promote understanding among citizens in regards to the full-fat cream cheese vs. low-fat cream cheese debate.
- Available for personal consultations with those requiring advice on cream cheese choices.
1998 TO 2002
Cream Cheese Supermarket Analyst - Los Angeles, CA
- Spent hours in the dairy section, observing trends and making complicated analysis regarding such trends.
- Participated in local food polls involving more than 100 cream cheese consumers in an attempt to determine desires in the diary whipped bagel slathering market.
- Interviewed those at the managerial level to determine how coupons and in-store promotions affect the trends of cream cheese buyers.
1994 TO 1997
Noah’s Bagels Regular Customer - Los Angeles, CA
- Purchased and tasted multiple cream cheese flavors at local bagel eatery.
- Ingested three, sometimes four types of bagels in one sitting in an attempt to act as a liaison between cream cheeses and actual bagel production.
- Named “Best Customer 1995″ by local Noah’s managerial staff.
But if the resume isn’t enough for those eagle-eyed, suspicious cream cheese eaters — a simple afternoon with yours truly (charged by the hour, of course) is all anyone needs to realize the huge benefits one can attain by employing a cream cheese concierge.
Simply put: the huge volume of bagel flavors (over 40) and the huge volume of cream cheese types/flavors (over 25) provide over 1,000 possible combinations in which to partake. Yet, let me be bold here and tell you that all of these so-called 1,000 combinations are NOT necessarily pleasing to the palate. In fact, if I could be your cream cheese concierge, I would inform you that there are (in actuality) about 421 disgusting combinations of bagel type/cream cheese type…some of which include:
- Toasted Salt Bagel & Strawberry Cream Cheese
- Cinnamon Raisin Bagel & Lox Cream Cheese
- Toasted Sesame Seed Bagel & Jalapeno Cream Cheese
- Garlic Cheese Bagel & Low-Fat Blueberry Cream Cheese
- Wheat Bagel & Non-Fat Garlic Cream Cheese
And as your cream cheese concierge, I would probably tell you that such a list still leaves approximately 416 other noxious combinations — some of which you might potentially choose if you were on your own, in a big intimidating bagel shop, without anyone by your side to help you.
That’s where I could come in.
Whether or not you think hiring a cream cheese concierge is a necessity, of course, will be your decision to make. Whether or not you consider putting stomach-churning combinations into your intestines a life-shortening scenario is something you’ll have to decide on your own. Whether or not you approach each meal as your last (which would necessitate making sure said last meal was as pleasing as possible) is an approach you will have to either adopt or disregard.
But if you embrace my skills, I could totally help you out.
As your cream cheese concierge.
Hi, I’d like to book an initial consultation. I have all day Tuesday next week free and the following Thursday afternoon. Would either of these times suit? May I ask, how long would an initial consultation likely last? (I am more-or-less a complete novice and I am often taken aback at just how disgusting my bagels taste when a quite similar combination tastes quite nice), and what fees? Also, is it possible to say how much training I might need in order to make competent decisions re my lunch, or does this vary widely?
Thanks, Denny Tethera
Comment by Denny — January 19, 2007 @ 9:54 am
Just think, for years I put a piece of cheese on my bagel and added some coffee cream. “cream + cheese”. My world has been in turmoil and just to think that you could have sorted me all out years ago.
Comment by monkeyinabox — January 19, 2007 @ 10:26 am
Denny - I don’t quote fees on the blog, but upon determining just how much consultation you might need I’ll be able to give you an overall per-session amount.
Monkey - I don’t think you’ll ever be free of turmoil, my friend.
Comment by Pauly D — January 19, 2007 @ 10:28 am
I think you should branch out. Posting your resume on monster.com or the like.
Personally, I would hire you just to prevent such gastronomic disasters as the “Garlic Cheese Bagel & Low-Fat Blueberry Cream Cheese”. Good God.
Comment by Jan — January 19, 2007 @ 11:47 am
Scary thing? I bet someone, somewhere, IS a cream cheese consultant.
Comment by sandra — January 19, 2007 @ 1:24 pm
My first interview question for you before hiring you is: If you are sharing an apple strudel bagel, do you butterfly the bagel, so each party gets some strudel? And the follow-up question, what flavor cream cheese would you recommend?
Comment by Susan — January 19, 2007 @ 4:16 pm
Now..PaulyD If you could work on getting Costco to carry some yummy lox spread and veggie spread to go with the Einstein double packs of bagels, then you’d be my kind of concierge. The multi-pound container of Regular Philly just isn’t working for me.
Doable?
Comment by christie — January 19, 2007 @ 5:20 pm
dude if you told me you were my cream cheese concierge, my first question would not be, “what kind of experience do you have?” but “lay it on! tell me about ALL the cream cheeses! rank them!” but that’s just me. i am a foodie.
Comment by jadepark — January 19, 2007 @ 6:00 pm
Bagels have to be one of the best man-made things around. And the right cream cheese? What can I say… perfection? A cream cheese concierge would be worth my money… though I’d have to say that my resume isn’t terribly behind your own.
Four bagels in one sitting is impressive. Hello again.
Comment by Janet — January 19, 2007 @ 6:17 pm
I like the idea of a cream cheese concierge, but judging by your resume I regret that I would not be able to hire you to be mine. You see, my cream cheese of choice is of the soy variety, namely Tofutti’s Better Than Cream Cheese, of which there is no mention of in your qualifications. Perhaps you should look to gain experience in that area, thereby improve your odds of gaining such high-quality cliental such as myself.
Comment by Eve — January 19, 2007 @ 7:36 pm
P.S. I can’t believe I actually read the entire Cream Cheese Concierge resume.
Comment by Eve — January 19, 2007 @ 7:37 pm
Janet - Good to see you back. As for your resume being close to mine, I would like to see that. But even if you have more cream cheese advisory experience than me, I’m the one who created the position. So, you know…
Eve - As a cream cheese concierge I would tell you that I am a huge proponent of soy cream cheese but that until my Cream Cheese Concierge Retreat in Palm Springs (August ‘07) I will not be able to advise you on combining the substance with real-world, real-legitimate (read: not soy) food.
Comment by Pauly D — January 19, 2007 @ 7:59 pm
Very much enjoyed the time I spent reading and looking around your site…as a poet, an avid reader, and hard to please, I found it a most rewarding look. Thank you…
Comment by Lettershaper — January 20, 2007 @ 12:17 am
While your cream cheese resume is quite impressive and much thought has apparently gone into it, I say “Thank God you have a day job.”
You do have a day job, right?
Comment by jacquie — January 20, 2007 @ 9:12 pm
I like butter on bagels
Comment by Eric — January 22, 2007 @ 5:54 am