An Open Letter To You, Bottle-Opener Keychain Guy
January 17th, 2007
Look. It’s time to face facts.
You have a bottle opener keychain, my friend — and that means one very important thing. No, it doesn’t mean that you’re always on the ready when it comes to opening bottles. No, it doesn’t mean you’re the life of the party. No, it doesn’t mean you’re like “the MacGuyver of spirits” or that you are the “hostess with the mostest.” It doesn’t mean you’re clever, resourceful or extremely savvy.
It means you’re an alcoholic.
Deny all you want, but the signs are there. You show off your bottle-opener keychain to whomever will listen. In the beer aisle at the supermarket you exclaim, “and when we get back to your apartment, leave it to me to take care of the bottle opening..” In the car, while you’re driving you often tell people how “having this bottle-opener keychain has saved a party more times than I’d like to remember…” And at college graduation, while receiving your diploma, you were overheard saying, “this diploma might get me a job, but this bottle-opener keychain will get me through life.”
Cough. Alcoholic Anonymous, anyone?
People have pointed out to you time and time again that maybe, just possibly, you’re a little too serious when it comes to opening bottles and having a tool hanging with your keys for such a situation. But you blow them off. People have made fun of your shark keychain bottle-opener so often, that you got rid of it — for an even bigger, more garish flourescent green gecko bottle-opener keychain. You’ve got one key for your house, one key for your car and a huge metallic bottle-opener keychain that doesn’t even make it past the opening in your jeans’ pocket.
But still, you stand strong with that damn bottle-opener keychain.
People have sat you down and said that you might want to consider that you drink too much. That treating the bottle-opener keychain as one of your own best friends is probably a sign that you rely on him (”Herb”, as you have dubbed it) a little too much for moral support and bottle-opening assistance. When people have suggested you do something about your problem or give up this metallic security blanket, you simply change the subject or justify your reasons.
“Don’t you think that bottle-opener keychain is a little…college?”
“College were the BEST years of my life!”
“Son. Your mother and I think you may be drinking yourself into the grave.”
“Will you bury me with my vintage Harley Davidson bottle-opener keychain when I do?”
“You’re an alcoholic.”
“Have I shown you my bottle-opener keychain?”
The signs are many. The warnings have come and gone. And still, there you stand jingling your over-sized bottle-opener keychain that’s made out of that floaty fabric that most people use around their arms so they won’t drown in a pool. But for you, you’re just glad “that if I fall off a cruise ship, I won’t lose my Kokopelli Bottle-Opener keychain since, see…it floats!”
I don’t know if there’s much more I can say to you, my friend. Except, get help. And get rid of that bottle-opener keychain.
Before it’s too late.
One of my best friends has a bottle-opener keychain… I think it’s time for an intervention. But, well, what’s the first step?
Comment by James Cooper — January 17, 2007 @ 12:26 pm
Jeez…I know there’s one around here somewhere. It says Spring Fling on it or Bud Dry. One of those things that lingers on, along with the boxed up college books in the garage somewhere. I just can’t make myself throw away books…and evidently Spring Fling college bottle openers.
I swear…not a lush, though. LOL.
Comment by christie — January 17, 2007 @ 2:55 pm
Hey… that’s no keychain bottle-opener! It’s a keychain kokopelli!
Comment by Dave2 — January 17, 2007 @ 3:31 pm
Bah! A REAL man doesn’t carry a bottle opener. A REAL man improvises… the side of a street curb, a screwdriver, his TEETH!!! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been rendered speechless by guy who attacks a bottle of beer like a Navy SEAL and uses the most unlikely item to open a beer bottle. In fact, i once saw a guy open a beer bottle WITH a beer bottle!
Comment by Man on the Street — January 17, 2007 @ 7:44 pm
AAAAAHHHH!!!!
I dreamt you were depressed and checking into rehab and that your site was down because of it! FOREVER!!
Happy to see that it’s not true, but you have to promise to never do that to me again!
Comment by Merel — January 18, 2007 @ 4:48 am
In New Zealand, people open beer bottles with spatulas. I didn’t see a single bottle-opener keychain the whole time I was there. Maybe the bottle-opener keychain is in the American alcoholic department only? Just bringing a little international awareness to the discussion.
Comment by Gina — January 18, 2007 @ 5:02 am
Have you met my husband? He carries around a vintage-looking Guiness bottle opener on his keychain. It has come in handy at parties when our non-alchoholic friends realize that they did not buy twist off capped beer. Anyway, I always thought he carried that around to remind him of our trips to Ireland. But now that I think about it, he says that when he dies, he would like to be sitting up in his casket with his eyes open, a huge grin and a pint of Guiness in his hand. He also would like everyone to have a pint at his wake.
But he doesn’t have a drinking problem.
Comment by jacquie — January 18, 2007 @ 6:39 am
Did you know that if you only drink imported beer or microbrews and skip the domestic stuff, that you really aren’t an alcoholic?
Comment by jacquie — January 18, 2007 @ 6:41 am
By the way, I wasn’t sure if I used the correct word for the little shindig after a funeral. After I posted that, I wondered if a wake was a Catholic thing and being that i’m not Catholic, I decided to look up WAKE on dictionary.com. I didn’t see anything about it being a Catholic thing. Here is the def for any interested….
wake
A funeral celebration, common in Ireland, at which the participants stay awake all night keeping watch over the body of the dead person before burial. A wake traditionally involves a good deal of feasting and drinking.
Ok, so I guess I stand corrected. Wake wasn’t the word I was looking for unless he truly expects all his loved ones to watch his lifeless body post-funeral/pre-burial. I love him dearly but come on.
Wow. Another long PS comment from yours truly.
Comment by jacquie — January 18, 2007 @ 6:49 am
Um, my future sister-in-law gave me a keychain that is also a fingernail clipper - what in the h-e-double-hockey-sticks does THAT mean??
Comment by cdub — January 19, 2007 @ 8:55 am
cdub - If you use it regularly and keep it as a keychain, it means you have obsessive compulsive disorder coupled with anxiety and fits of panic.
Comment by Pauly D — January 19, 2007 @ 8:57 am
Hmmmm. Well, I am a compulsive hand-washer. I suppose it’s not too big of a leap for me to become a compulsive nail-clipper as well….. I think the problems will really arise when I start clipping strangers’ fingernails.
Comment by cdub — January 19, 2007 @ 9:01 am
I don’t have one, but I STILL want one!
Those Samuel Adams bottles aren’t gonna open themselves. I tried improvising once and it chipped the bottle. Worst part was, I wasn’t sure that the chip didn’t fall inside. I drank it anyway. Gee, maybe I AM an alcoholic…
Comment by Brian — January 21, 2007 @ 5:14 am