Today’s Blatant Admissions, Pt 2
January 9th, 2007
Some people like to make New Year’s resolutions.
Not me. It’s a waste of time putting those kind of dreams out there for the rest of the world to keep track of. Instead, I prefer to look back at the previous year and admit to doing all the things I didn’t admit to doing when I was doing them in the first place. Think of it as my own virtual confessional, laying claim to a slew of illegal, hurtful and just plain strange activities that I was responsible for.
I just hope you don’t hate me when all is said and done.
- While you, stranger-lady, went back to get some more ziploc bags in the supermarket (thus causing me even more waiting time when all I wanted to buy was a candy bar) — I took two packs of gum and a Swiffer and placed them in your area on the moving plastic food moving price-checking check-out thing. And you never even noticed. At the time, making you pay for items you didn’t even pick out in the first place seemed like a funny thing to do — but today, it just seems plain mean. I’m sorry.
- I drank milk out of the carton. I drank juice right out of the bottle. I opened a package of Oreos, ate the filling out of ten cookies, then replaced the cookie parts right back in the resealable bag. I’m sorry.
- I pretended I was the nephew of famed TV personality John Davidson, then used my D-list fame to get a free entre at my local Olive Garden. Then, when the check came, I pretended I didn’t have any money since I had just recently spent all of my cash bailing my Uncle, famed TV personality John Davidson out of jail after he didn’t pay for a slew of parking tickets — thus causing you, awesome Olive Garden waitress, to take care of the bill out of your own money. It was sort of bad to do, and while it was exhilirating at the time — I’m sorry.
- I got my neighbor’s personal packages delivered to me by accident. And they were unique looking boxes. So I opened them to see if they were worth keeping for myself. Which they weren’t. So, then I re-delivered the package to the people in question, lying that I accidentally opened them thinking they were for me. It was a bad thing to do and I am wholeheartedly sorry. But really, shouldn’t the mailman be the one who’s sorry? Yeah.
- I went out of my way to tell some neighborhood children that Santa Claus is fake, the Tooth Fairy is real and the President of the United States is just one of those scary Grimm’s Fairy Tales.
- I told friends, while eating at a local Mexican restaurant, that I once got a Taco Bell bean burrito with a rat’s foot inside it but that I never mentioned it or sued anyone because I didn’t want to be “that guy.” In actuality, I’ve always wished I could be that guy but no one ever put a rat’s foot in my bean burrito. Nonetheless, I’m sorry.
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In other news, tomorrow is the deadline to nominate your favorite sites for the seventh annual Weblog Awards or Bloggies. Give your loves some love.
I think the rat was running for the border. Should have been running away from the border-rito. That’s bad. Stinks like stinky rat feet.
Comment by monkeyinabox — January 9, 2007 @ 9:51 am
I have always wanted to put stuff on other peoples’ conveyor so they buy it by accident. Well, not by accident. By design. Evil design.
A particularly traumatic experience from my childhood was accidentally throwing a pound of mince into a stranger’s trolley instead on my mam’s. And then having to go and ask for it back. Maybe I’m trying to exorcise some demons?
Comment by Pierce — January 9, 2007 @ 10:00 am
I stabbed a man in the heart. There were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a Trident.
Comment by jerry — January 9, 2007 @ 12:40 pm
My reactions to your confessions in order: That’s funny! Eyew. Tsk tsk. You’re only human. That’s also funny! And, What’s so bad about that?
Comment by susan — January 9, 2007 @ 3:37 pm
I steal, so don’t invite me over. Heh…
Comment by Amy — January 9, 2007 @ 6:57 pm
you did not.
did you!?
Comment by ms. sizzle — January 9, 2007 @ 8:21 pm
I do love you and I voted for you for best Asian weblog. You are Asian, right?
And what’s up with them getting rid of the podcast catagory? This was the year of the WFME podcasts… what, with you getting your own myspace account and everything.
Seriously though… I am glad you reminded me about the bloggies … I voted for you a lot. They made me vote for 2 others so I made someone up. They’ll probably think it’s just you, voting for yourself, disguised as me. Do ya think? I hope this doesn’t mess up your chances.
Also, you are telling me that you are not actually related to John Davidson????? I was really enjoying the fact that when I was a little girl, I had a huge crush on John Davidson on That’s Incredible! and here I am, a grown up girl, having a humongous crush on his nephew, Paul Davidson. But now I see, there really is no coincidence, since you lied about your nephew status. No apology unnecessary. I will get over it.
But I am keenlly aware that this is not the first time you have claimed kinship to the great Johnny D.
Last, I think it’s great that you opened your neighbors packages. I would have done the same. I like you even more now.
Comment by Jacquie — January 9, 2007 @ 9:30 pm
John Davidson…Pauly D. Ok you could use the name for D list needs, but thank God you don’t have the hair or teeth.
Comment by christie — January 10, 2007 @ 7:56 am