I Could Be Deaf, Dumb and Blind But Still Play A Mean Pinball
January 4th, 2007
I could be a triple-threat ailment acquirerer.
That would mean that I would have three ailments that I’d acquired in life that, combined, would cause people to look at me and then say “aww” behind my back to one of their friends. That would mean that I could have a wooden leg, Tourette’s and a stutter. That would mean that I could have a glass eye, a metal plate in my head and multiple-personality disorder. That would mean that I could have narcolepsy, A.D.D., and think I was Elvis Presley.
But I’d prefer to be deaf, dumb, and blind — and still play a mean pinball.
Here’s the thing. If you’re going to have a ton of ailments or diseases or big issue/problems, you might as well have a skill that makes things a little bit better. Think about Rain Man. He was afraid to fly, was obsessed with being an excellent driver, had the mind of a child — but he could count toothpicks on the floor like a genius.
Three ailments, one talent. Need I say more?
The three worst ailments, in my opinion, are being deaf, dumb and blind. Because I’m dumb, but I can’t learn because I can’t read or hear. And that makes it tough to get out of that hole I would be in. Plus, if I’m blind, I can’t even see how dumb I am because I couldn’t hear or comprehend the test results of any “evaluation test” I’d be taking to determine just how smart or dumb I was in the first place. And finally, if I’m deaf, none of it would matter in the first place because I couldn’t hear any of you telling me I needed to get my crap in order, nor could I hear anything anyone would ever tell me about my situation.
Which would make being a mean pinball player even the sweeter.
While playing pinball is probably just a hair above playing lazer tag on the list of ultimate sports that people desperately want to learn and get better at — playing a mean pinball while being deaf, dumb and blind is a pretty damn cool talent to have. Even more than, let’s say, football. Because there are a lot of dumb football players. And some would say, a bunch of blind football players who can’t catch a ball to save their life. And deaf? Well, there are some deaf football players out there as well. So a deaf, dumb and blind superstar football player isn’t anything particularly amazing. I mean, even being blind — they just have to run. Run run run across a huge field without any real stationary obstacles.
No.
But think about being a deaf, dumb and blind pinball player? All you have to go on is your instinct and your ability to “feel” the vibrations of the ball and the bumpers and the pure adrenaline excitement that’s pumping through the pinball machine as you hold on for dear life in an attempt to be the best deaf, dumb and blind pinball wizard ever.
Okay, okay — let’s play devil’s advocate for a second here. Would there be any other awesome sporting/gaming skills to have while also being deaf, dumb and blind? I’ve put a lot of thought into it and while none of these come even close to matching the wonder of a deaf, dumb and blind pinball superstar — I do think they’re decent examples of other possible options for those in the deaf, dumb and blind sector:
- Deaf, Dumb and Blind Kite-ist
- Deaf, Dumb and Blind Cats in the Cradle Player
- Deaf, Dumb and Blind Frisbee Golf Superstar
- Deaf, Dumb and Blind Shuffleboarder
- Deaf, Dumb and Blind Synchronized Swimmer
- Deaf, Dumb and Blind Ice Skater
But when you look at that list, while somewhat impressed at the level of preparation yours truly does for each of his blog posts, you’re still angling back towards the deaf, dumb and blind pinball player as the best combination of ailment/superstar sportster.
Don’t hate yourself for it.
It’s normal.
Because if I could be a deaf, dumb and blind pinball player — you’d want to see it. And if you could see it, you’d marvel at the sight before you and all at once feel humbled by the fact that you could actually see me being so wonderous while I couldn’t see at all, being the blind (and deaf/dumb) pinball player I’ve been referring to.
I’ve put a lot of thought into this, and I think it’s pretty airtight.
FYI.
Ohh, I love Tommy. Now I have the song stuck in my head.
Comment by Hilary — January 4, 2007 @ 8:50 am
I guess a Deaf, Dumb, and Blind Blogger wouldn’t work out very well, eh? And like Hilary, I now have Pinball Wizard in my head…
Comment by James Cooper — January 4, 2007 @ 9:09 am
on top of your mean pinball skills, you would probably also be a super taster if you were deaf, dumb, and blind.
Comment by dgm — January 4, 2007 @ 9:36 am
DGM - True. I could be a deaf, dumb and blind chef. Still, it’s not nearly as sexy as a pinball superstar.
Comment by Pauly D — January 4, 2007 @ 9:40 am
I don’t really recall all the lyrics to the song but I always assumed that by dumb they meant mute, not unintelligent.
Comment by Eric — January 4, 2007 @ 11:54 am
pinball wizards are soooooo sexy!
Comment by dgm — January 4, 2007 @ 12:03 pm
I always thought the song was some kind of metaphor. For something.
Comment by Mark K — January 4, 2007 @ 2:36 pm
But what if you were deaf, dumb and blind left arm amputee? How would you flip your left flipper?
Comment by purpletwinkie — January 4, 2007 @ 3:47 pm
I’m not deaf, but I still can’t hear anyone tell me to “get my crap in order”. What if you were a deaf, dumb and blind pinball wizard and had a tuba for an arm? That’d be cool.
Comment by susan — January 4, 2007 @ 4:18 pm
Mark - Everything’s a metaphor for something. In the case of this post, the entire text is a metaphor for eating Oreos whole without licking the filling out first.
PT - Dude. The reason I didn’t suggest being a deaf, dumb and blind left-arm amputee is because that’s FOUR ailments and a pinball superstar skill. Four ailments is too many. You will fail with this configuration, FYI.
Susan - See above. I can’t believe I’m having to explain this three-ailment vs. four-ailment combined with being a pinball superstar thing to so many people. Jeesh.
Comment by Pauly D — January 4, 2007 @ 4:20 pm
Paul - since when is having a tuba for an arm an ailment? It’d just be cool.
Comment by susan — January 5, 2007 @ 7:38 am
If you were a deaf-dumb-blind pinball superstar, you’d also be a keen smeller. (Note the line in the song what says: “…plays by sense of smell”). People from all over would want to hire you as a professional smeller……think of the possibilities!!!
Comment by cdub — January 5, 2007 @ 11:26 am
I read well. I write well. I hear things with my eyes perfectly. I admire your sense of humor. I know this is a comical cesspool where you can blatantly blush people’s butts to a strawberry hue with your daily outragings. It’s hysterical until an actual deaf dumb and blind man comes along.
It ain’t so funny when your lifestyle’s considered an lowlife aliment. Watch what comes out of your wet, wacky, witty rot. I am deaf. Yes, seriously. It’s funnier even if you instead said Midget, Dumb, and Blind. Deaf people function as well as you hearing people. We learn, communicate, do everything else as well as you do.
Being deaf is not an aliment. Nor it is a nuisance. It’s just a different way of life. Ever heard of the threee-dimensional, colorful, eye-candied American Sign Language, babe? If not, man, your missin’ a hefty lot.
On the top of all, no offense/pun intended. Just keep in the mind that deafness ain’t a disorder, it’s an intelligent design. Hope you’d treat me like an equal. Like a friend.
Have a nice day, or I’d dare to say, a happy year.
Comment by Funny til it lasts — January 8, 2007 @ 2:41 pm
I find it completely ludicrous that you deemed is neccessary to use your valuable time trying to defend your argument regarding 3 ailments and a talent to the non-believers in the comment section, after such an airtight explanation has already been given. It’s clear to see in every post of yours, that there is much thought and research that goes into each topic to ensure there are no loopholes or cause for argument or contradiction.
Believe me, I’ve tried in the past and have since repented and submitted. All I can do now is pray for the souls of those who still try to find some flaw in your reasoning.
Thank goodness for your patience and understanding.
Comment by jacquie — January 8, 2007 @ 8:50 pm