TomKat Is Just About Over

If you’ve read the rag mags, you’ve probably read that TomKat (the union of Tom Cruise and Kat(i)e Holmes) is just about over.

The problems that have been reported range from Tom wanting to keep a tight leash on Kat(i)e, keeping her from doing acting roles she might want to do, hanging out with her “old friends” and going to clubs, and generally doing anything that conflicts with the stringent rules of Scientology. Which are fine reasons for being “just about over” I guess — but nothing compared to what I’ve heard is really going on.

Some of my moles in the system recently contacted me with even better gems of impending over-dom.

Seems that not only is the marriage between Tom Cruise and Kat(i)e Holmes already on the rocks, but it has been for some time. But while the rag mags would like you to think they know the real story, we here at WFME would like to present to you the real reasons for the ever-crumbling TomKommitment that has been so shiny and happy in the glossy mags at your supermarket’s check-out line.

And so — besides the “wanting to party” and the “wanting to act” and the “wanting her life back” scenarios as reasons for the trouble within the Cruise compound — here are some of the other reasons why the relationship is on the rocks. (Disclaimer: These tips were contributed to WFME from an anonymous source that I will, unfortunately, be unable to reveal at this time.)

  1. Tom Cruise Really Doesn’t Have Any Respect for Kat(i)e Holmes’ Acting Aspirations: This is one of the biggest reasons why the relationship is starting to go south. Seemingly, Cruise doesn’t look to Kat(i)e as an actress. He doesn’t consider her career something worth pursuing. He’d prefer for Kat(i)e to be a mother to Suri, a step-mother to his other two kids, and simply “look pretty.” Acting, for Kat(i)e — is a trivial pursuit from a previous life. This, of course, is something Kat(i)e is none too pleased with.
  2. Tom Cruise Buys Generic Q-Tips: This was a stunning realization for Kat(i)e — that a man with billions of dollars would stock his numerous bathrooms with generic brands of Q-Tips. An inside source and close friend to Kat(i)e claims she said, “I saw my entire future laid out before me — generic everything, cheap deals…and all from one of the richest actors in the world.” Needless to say, Kat(i)e was turned off by this “hidden” personality flaw of Cruise’s.
  3. Kat(i)e Holmes Does Not Like Mayo: A deal breaker for Cruise? Maybe not now that they’re married, but had Cruise known prior to the nuptials that Holmes would consistently balk at having a sandwich with mayo slathered upon it — maybe this whole marriage thing wouldn’t have happened. Craft service workers who have been involved in providing food on many of Cruise’s films (including Days of Thunder) have said to have overheard Cruise say, “Mayo is the most American condiment ever! If you can’t muster the mayo, you might as well move to France!” A condiment conflict doesn’t mean a marriage is over, but inside sources say that it’s put definite stress on the TomKat institution.
  4. Tom Cruise Lets His Wrists Hang Low: No one is saying Cruise is gay. Let’s get that out of the way right off the bat. In fact, Cruise could very well be the most masculine action-star/thespian in the entire film industry. But what’s getting Kat(i)e’s goat these days is that Cruise’s wrists hang a little limp at times, and she’d wish Cruise would do something to strengthen the floppy forearms. But no. Friends of Kat(i)e’s have said that “she’s disgusted by Cruise’s limp-wrists” and that holding hands has become a chore. And what happens when the basis of any relationship (holding hands) limply drops to the wayside? Divorce, my friends, is possibly right around the corner.
  5. Kat(i)e Doesn’t Have a Mind of Her Own: You’d think something like this would be a plus for Cruise, but it turns out that Kat(i)e’s lack of independent thought is starting to grate on his nerves. A perfect example comes from an anonymous source who delivered food to the Cruise compound late one night. When faced with Kat(i)e at the front door — she couldn’t decide whether or not to give the delivery boy a 15% or 20% tip. She stood there for what seemed like hours (but only a few minutes, according to sources) debating with Cruise about the tip. It’s reported that Cruise said to her, “Just go ahead and decide for yourself, Kate. Is it going to be 15 or 20?” Holmes stood there for five minutes, without an independent tipping opinion whatsoever, finally causing Cruise to step in and pony up a generous 25. The delivery boy was pleased. But Cruise was shaken to the core at Holmes’ inability to think on her feet.
  6. Cruise Has A Moving Toe Disorder: Although Kat(i)e would like to think it’s a legitimate disease, Cruise’s inability to keep his feet and wiggling toes still in bed is supposedly driving her crazy. Cruise chalks it up, we’ve been told, to his constant brain-activity (a result of being very very very clear, thanks to Scientology) — Kat(i)e chalks it up to thinking too much about insignificant work issues at 3 in the morning. Either way, no matter how big the bed is, Cruise’s jittery feet are causing Holmes to take stock about the entire relationship, say close pre-appointed Scientology friends.
  7. Holmes Isn’t Familiar With The Famous TV Commercial Saying, “Where’s The Beef?”: For such an intelligent guy, it’s stunning that one famous TV tagline makes Cruise weep with laughter. Made famous in the classic Wendy’s TV ads…the old woman uttering the phrase, “Where’s The Beef?” causes Cruise to double-over in appendix-surgery like pain. And Kat(ie) doesn’t get it at all. Cruise even went so far as to hire a look-alike old woman to come to the house on Scientology BBQ day to surprise Kat(i)e in the walk-in freezer. Instead of making her laugh, it traumatized Holmes, even causing her to hate the TV tagline commercial phrase with a fervor Cruise never expected. This, coupled with the fact that Holmes has no idea who The Flock of Seagulls are, has caused Cruise to confide to his sister and mother that Kat(i)e “may not be [his] soulmate.”
  8. Cruise Won’t Eat Lowfat or Non-Fat Food Items: Since giving birth to Suri, Kat(i)e Holmes has been intent on shedding the pregnancy weight by filling the TomKat fridge with lowfat and nonfat food items. Some of Holmes’ and Cruise’s favorite food items (milk, cream cheese, sour cream, yogurt, shredded Mexican quesadilla cheese and string cheese) have been replaced by the lower fat versions of their other selves. And apparently, Cruise can’t stomach any of them. Said to have thrown a fit after his nonfat Quesadilla cheese “tasted like burnt plastic candlewax”, the food conflict has said to have forced a wedge between the culinary couple.
  9. Kat(i)e Likes Odd Numbers, Cruise Likes Even Numbers: If you’ve ever been in a relationship, you know that sometimes it’s the smallest things that cause attraction or cause chaos. It seems that lately, numbers have been causing stress in the TomKat compound. Kat(i)e loves odd numbers because “they’re risque and spontaneous” while Cruise likes even numbers because “you always know what you’re getting.” But no matter what explanation either of them gives, inside sources have claimed that the two have been found arguing about the advantages and disadvantages of “3 versus 4” many a late night. At one point, Holmes was said to have slept in a guest room after Cruise insulted the number 71. Do we smell separation? Perhaps.

Indeed, these are just some of the issues driving a wedge between the supposed marital bliss of TomKat. Others, which are a tad more insignificant and possibly a waste to list here at this time, all combine to form a picture of marital strife that is slowly chipping away at the foundation of a marriage that the media has been suspicious of from the get-go.

We here at WFME would like to present the above “insider tips” about their crumbling relationship as yet another reason to predict that TomKat will be over sooner than later. WFME is not proud or pleased to know that yet another marriage is on the rocks as it’s a widespread problem throughout this country in the first place. But we do, as always, want to bring to light just what’s happening inside of one of Hollywood’s most high-profile marriages.

It’s because we care.

Just so you know.

18 comments on “TomKat Is Just About Over

  1. Mark K - January 3, 2007 at 7:03 am -

    Well, it’s sad but I’ve got to agree- generic brands of Q-Tips are a dealbreaker. Who needs that bendy swab action in their life?

  2. Jeff - January 3, 2007 at 8:34 am -

    Thanks for the inside scoop. You’ve made it totally obvious that these two don’t stand a chance.

  3. jerry - January 3, 2007 at 8:43 am -

    One can possibly look beyond over-active toes but a partner who does not know Flock of Seagulls is no partner at all.

  4. Keith - January 3, 2007 at 9:45 am -

    I’m somewhat relieved to know that Tom Cruise will never want to marry me thanks to my non-mayonnaise preferences.

  5. Pauly D - January 3, 2007 at 9:53 am -

    Mark – It’s funny you said what you said up there, because inside sources said that Kat(i)e Holmes actually used the phrase “bendy swab action” to “close friends” when disappointingly describing Cruise’s generic Q-Tip issues.

    Jeff – Here for ya, man.

    Jerry – Agreed.

    Keith – As are we all.

  6. kapgar - January 3, 2007 at 9:55 am -

    With all the superficiality in Hollywood these days, I’m just happy to see that this couple has compiled a substantial list of honorable reasons to end their union. This could have just as easily become a simple “Irreconcilable Differences” end to a beautiful relationship.

  7. Amy - January 3, 2007 at 12:33 pm -

    Generic Q-Tips suck. So does TomKat.

  8. ms. sizzle - January 3, 2007 at 1:58 pm -

    re: # 3- can’t they compromise and use aioli?

    (that where’s the beef commercial was sincerely advertising at its best.)

    😉 sizz

  9. Carlos - January 3, 2007 at 2:20 pm -

    (Trying not to come across as too much of an old-fart nerd, I pause, then throw caution and self-respect out the window and post):

    “um, I believe the band’s name is “A Flock Of Seagulls” not “The Flock Of Seagulls”….”

    God, I am so lame…..

  10. Pauly D - January 3, 2007 at 3:33 pm -

    Carlos – You are correct, sir. No shame needed.

  11. T - January 3, 2007 at 4:13 pm -

    I could never deal with, let alone compete with people like these. You have to have ice in your veins. They are already so much more financially/professionally/socially successful, control freaky, phony and attention slathered than I will ever ever in a zillion years ever hope to be its almost impossible to imagine living like this and not going completely psycho. Not to say that at least one of them hasn’t already gone over the hedge or anything like that.

  12. A Memoire - January 3, 2007 at 6:08 pm -

    You had me at Q-tip.

  13. Laura - January 3, 2007 at 8:44 pm -

    A Memoire,

    Classic!

    LRB

  14. ANP - January 3, 2007 at 10:32 pm -

    Yes, but will spawn of TomKat be better looking than spawn of Brangelina?

    Great post!

  15. Fully - January 4, 2007 at 10:06 am -

    I have to agree with the generic Q-Tip thing. Going to the doctor to have one removed from your ear is a waste of a good co-pay.

  16. Kat - January 4, 2007 at 11:14 am -

    TomKat will have one more child. It will be a boy. Within two years the couple will be divorced.

  17. purpletwinkie - January 4, 2007 at 3:43 pm -

    Generic Q-tips? Never.

  18. jacquie - January 8, 2007 at 9:04 pm -

    Yes, I’m still catching up on WFME. Why oh why do I let myself fall so behind. What happened to my resolution of 2006? I couldn’t even make it a whole year. I hate myself.

    Thank goodness for 2007 and fresh starts. I resolve in 2007 never let a day go by without visiting you.

    This has absolutely nothing to do with the impending doom of Tomkat, I realize. I just had nothing more to say as you’ve covered it all (except for the wasteful parts that you wisely chose not to divulge, of course).

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