Everyone’s Happy New Year Is Ruining This Country’s Level of Productivity
January 2nd, 2007
Man #1: “Oh hey. Happy New Year!”
Man #2: “Oh thanks! Happy New Year to you too buddy!”
Woman #1: “Oh, hey guys.”
Man #1: “Oh, hey! Hey, Happy New Year!”
Woman #1: “Oh, god. Thanks! Hey, Happy New Year to you too.”
Man #1: “Hah! Thanks!”
Man #2: “Happy New Year to you.”
Woman #1: “Oh! Thanks! And a Happy one to you as well!”
Boss #1: “What’s going on out here?”
Woman #1: Oh, YOU. Happy New Year!”
Boss #1: “Heh heh! Right back atcha!”
Man #1/Man #2: “Happy New Year, boss!”
Boss #1: “You guys pulling my chain!?” Are ya!?”
Man #1/Man #2: “Naw. NO WAY.”
Boss #1: “Well, then! Happy New Year!”
Woman #2: “Oh, hi.”
Boss #1: “What’s wrong?”
Woman #1: “Yeah, you seem down. Everything ok?”
Man #1: “Did you have a Happy Holidays?”
Woman #1: “Eh, not so much. Frank accidentally drove into one of the supporting beams of our carport, and took the whole entire thing down and the kitchen’s bay window with it in the process.”
Man #2: “Oh man, that sucks.”
Woman #2: “Yeah. Not a good holiday at all.”
Boss #1: “Well…”
Woman #2: “Mmm?”
Boss #1: “Things can only get better!! Happy New Year!”
Woman #2: “Awww, thanks. Happy New Year to you, too.”
Boss #1: “Thanks.”
Woman #2: “And to you…”
Woman #1: “Aww, thanks! Happy New Year to you as well!”
Woman #2: “And to YOU guys also!”
Man #1/Man #2: “Thanks!”
Woman #2: “No problem. Thank YOU.”
[A long long long long pause...]
Man #1: “Anybody wanna get some coffee at Starbucks?”
[Everyone's faces light up.]
maybe all this post holiday wrap up in the office is why no one ever notices the memos still say 2006 on them for the next few weeks.
And how long do you have to keep wishing folks a Happy New Year anyway? Maybe you should write about how useless that greeting really is.
Comment by jerry — January 2, 2007 @ 10:46 am
You need to start producing all these scripts and direct them and post them on some video site. Just imagine…Pauly D, experimenting in not just a few mediums of art, but all of them!
Comment by Steven Campbell — January 2, 2007 @ 11:13 am
Although I haven’t been a student since 1906, I still consider September the “beginning of the year” for most functional purposes. Getting some weird looks today when wishing folks: “Hey, Happy partway through the functional year!”
Comment by susan — January 2, 2007 @ 1:22 pm
When someone I don’t like tells me “Happy New Year” just to say it, I nix the small talk and tell them to fuck off.
Comment by Amy — January 2, 2007 @ 6:55 pm