I Can Pretend My Ship Just Got Hit By A Missle

It’s all about equilibrium.

If you’ve ever felt what it’s like to have an inner-ear deficiency where the room seems to be spinning and you feel like you’re about to lose your balance and you even have to brace yourself with your other leg in order to steady yourself and you can replicate such a thing when you don’t have an inner ear problem or when you’re not drunk from a night out on the town…

…then you can pretend your ship just got hit by a missle — like me.

Merry Christmas & A Happy New Fear

WFME would like to wish all its readers a Merry Christmas and instead of a Happy New Year we’d instead like to wish you all a Happy New Fear (i.e. we hope you find another thing to be afraid of (like us) in the coming 2007 calendar year.)

Last year we had many new fears. This year, we’re having a premonition that our new fear could be related to broccoli.

A Few Christmas Thoughts From WFME

With tonight being Christmas Eve and tomorrow being Christmas Day, WFME would like to present “A Few Christmas Thoughts” from WFME.

  • If I open my mouth just slightly, and let some water from a water bottle slowly pour into the back of my mouth, I can technically drink water without ever swallowing whatsoever.
  • If you have an itch and you don’t itch it, that itch’ll get worse before it ever gets better.
  • Every liquid on earth can be blended and turned into a thicker version of itself except for one liquid: saliva.
  • Is Jesus’ last name Christ? If it is, did he get mail delivered to Mr. Christ? If his last name was Weber (like my 6th grade elementary school teacher) would tonight be denoted as Webermas Eve?
  • The most painful thing to get hit in the head with, contrary to popular belief, is a coffee table book. It hurts more than most other household items and I can only imagine it hurts more than a two by four that accidentally fell from a second story window.
  • I wish people would stop saying ‘Never Say Never’ everytime I say “Never.”
  • “Frosty the Snowman” is a redundant song/TV show title. He’s a snowman, people. He’s already frosty. Why not use the first word to give the snowman a little more description? Aggrivated? Sheepish? Warm on the inside? C’mon, let’s get creative.
  • Danger really is someone’s middle name. Someone I know.

Coloring Words

Somebody should swing by their local newsstand.

That’s because the January edition of Wired Magazine is on stands now, and features another back-page “Found: Artifacts From the Future” piece by yours truly. This month, I postulate what the crayons of the future might be like, which include everything from the global warming-inspired “Brown Sky” to the fad-tastic “iPod White.”

You can check out a scan of the article (which never replaces buying the actual thing) here.

An Excerpt From My New Play, “Sushi Chef”

[A woman sits at a sushi bar, alone. She is WOMAN SITTING AT SUSHI BAR. She is somewhat attractive, but not too attractive or else why would she be sitting alone at a sushi bar, thus her character name. She sits opposite the SUSHI CHEF who does her bidding.]

WOMAN AT SUSHI BAR: “That was a wonderful spicy tuna hand roll. Thank you.”

SUSHI CHEF: [Incoherent phrases in another, hard to decipher language.]

WOMAN AT SUSHI BAR: “I’m sorry?”

SUSHI CHEF: [Incoherent phrases in another, hard to decipher language.]

WOMAN AT SUSHI BAR: “Oh, um — did you ask me if I wanted more water?”

SUSHI CHEF: [Incoherent phrases in another, hard to decipher language.]

WOMAN AT SUSHI BAR: “Shehblahblah, what?”

SUSHI CHEF: [Incoherent phrases in another, hard to decipher language.]

WOMAN AT SUSHI BAR: “Excuse me?”

SUSHI CHEF: [Incoherent phrases in another, hard to decipher language.]

WOMAN AT SUSHI BAR: “Salmon?”

SUSHI CHEF: [Incoherent phrases in another, hard to decipher language.]

WOMAN AT SUSHI BAR: “Can I just have another spicy tuna roll?”

SUSHI CHEF: [Incoherent phrases in another, hard to decipher language.]

WOMAN AT SUSHI BAR: “Um, thanks.”