Words for My Enjoyment

I Can Pretend My Ship Just Got Hit By A Missle

December 26th, 2006

It’s all about equilibrium.

If you’ve ever felt what it’s like to have an inner-ear deficiency where the room seems to be spinning and you feel like you’re about to lose your balance and you even have to brace yourself with your other leg in order to steady yourself and you can replicate such a thing when you don’t have an inner ear problem or when you’re not drunk from a night out on the town…

…then you can pretend your ship just got hit by a missle — like me.

Some people sit around trying to perfect skills that really aren’t skills at all, but just simple parlour tricks. Things like memorizing all the digital channels for their DirecTV system or learning how to solve a Rubik’s Cube just so they can impress people at parties. Others like to learn how to spit into the air and catch the saliva back in their mouth while others think that learning to burp the alphabet is a skill worth practicing. Some learn to whistle and others learn to gleek and a small percentage of the useless-skill learning public enjoys spending their time perfecting the art of tying cherry stems in their mouth as if it really denotes what kind of lover they may someday become.

But me? I prefer to pretend my ship just got hit by a missle to impress the masses.

I’ve watched numerous hours of Star Trek. I’ve matched that with numerous hours of watching Futurama. I’ve matched my hours of Star Trek and Futurama with watching (but hating every minute of it) the entire Star Wars Trilogy. There were a bunch of other space-related movies thrown into the mix as were a bunch of mid 1950’s WWII epics in which captains of behemoth monsters met their untimely doom when underwater torpedos hit the hulls of their ships.

And in each and every instance, I sat impressed by the actor’s skills of pretending their ship just got hit by a missle.

There’s cheaters out there. People who have their cockpits or bridges bolstered by enhanced hydraulic systems that pitch and weave the floors beneath them in an attempt to fully replicate what it must feel like when ones’ ship gets hit by a missle. Then, there’s little acting to be done. Just hold on for dear life and deliver a performance the likes of which no one has ever seen.

But me? I like to learn the skill au natural.

In learning to pretend my ship just got hit by a missle I have developed a seven-tier process that works every single time. The steps, if followed to a T, can allow anyone to experience what it’s like when a missle hits your ship, then allow you to replicate the physical reaction in any everyday situation (i.e. parties, bar mitzvahs, weddings, swim meets and debutante balls). These simple steps break down into the following list:

1. Drink three 8-ounce glasses of full-fat milk.
2. No matter how much phlegm the milk causes, do not blow your nose or clear your throat.
3. Do a headstand for 15 minutes while wrapping your head in saran wrap, covered by a wool winter hat.
4. Eat a Hot Pocket (pepperoni or ham & cheese, but not the breakfast kinds or chicken ones.
5. Put on high tops or platform shoes and affix football shoulder pads to your outfit.
6. Sit on a previously-purchased Sit-N-Spin toy, spinning for at least 45 seconds.
7. Stand up. Stand strong. Feel the missle.

Everything requires practice. Think about how many times you had to shoot that basketball at the hoop before you could make that 3 point shot. Think about how many times you had to run that mile, before you could run that mile without throwing up. Think about how many times you had to eat that entire package of rice pudding before it didn’t make you sick.

Same thing here. Practice practice practice.

Before long, you’ll be able to pretend your ship just got hit by a missle without having to partake in the seven step process. Before long, like me, you’ll be able to impress your friends and family with your faux-bridge hitting missle tilting skillz. Before long, you’ll have a skill worth breaking out at City Hall meetings and Engagement parties.

Before long, you’ll be just like me.

Posted under Futurama, Pretending, Star Trek. |