Today’s Prognosis on Your Unwashed Jeans
December 18th, 2006
I know you love your jeans.
In fact I know you love your jeans because you wear them everyday, and upon seeing you wearing them everyday you make particular mention of how much you love your jeans, how hard they were to find, and how when you find something that fits you this good how can you ever give them up for another lesser pair of denim pantalones. And sure, that’s a wonderful thing…
…until people find out you never wash them.
Whatever you do, you can’t call me a dirty jean racist. In order to call me a dirty jean racist you’d have to catch me saying horrible things about your dirty jeans like “they smell like ass” or “they’ve literally absorbed so many of your skin oils that they’re sweating on their own without any bodily or brain-control whatsoever.”
Oh, shoot. I do say those things.
Thing is this. I love a nice-fitting, comfortable-wearing, skin-like breathing pair of jeans just like the next guy. I know the paradise that is a softened, looser waistband. I have lived some of the dark moments throughout my life when the washer and dryer represented something horrible for me and my comfortable jeans — something that would quickly turn my familiar friend into a constrictive, cold, tight-minded beast of the devil.
See? I get it.
But when I see you show up every day to the workplace in the same exact pair of jeans (you spilled clam chowder on it yesterday and sat on a Mike and Ike cherry candy the day before), I have to wonder what mental game you’re currently playing with your clothing collection. I have to power up the blog software, navigate to the section on prognosises, and immediately make a determination on you and your unwashed jeans.
And surprisingly — prognosis is good.
I say wear your jeans thirty days in a row without washing them. At the end of each day, fold those puppies up and put them right next to your bed so you can slide (and you will slide, trust me) into them like a second skin each morning. Carry around one of those Tide stain sticks so a minor in-car driving burrito burst or a soda spill won’t force you to do the unthinkable (read: wash them). Scoff when others wonder aloud if what you’re wearing looks familiar. If the outfit you’ve chosen seems, a tad typical. Just remember in the tough times that you’re comfortable and they’re not.
And isn’t that all that matters?
Do your jeans smell? Probably not. Are the stains and rips so noticeable that one could distinguish the difference between a pair of yours and a pair of pre-washed, pre-ripped, pre-stained Abercrombie & Fitch duds? I doubt it. Are your jeans “just better” without all those detergent chemicals and warm/hot water combinations? Of course they are.
So wear your jeans. Be proud. And laugh in the face of the nay-sayers. Because on this date, December 18th, 2006…
The prognosis on your unwashed jeans is so so so so gooooood.
—
In other news, thanks to everyone for their kind words and congratulations on the birth of what I like to call, “my meal ticket to catalog modeling stardom.” I appreciate it. She appreciates it. And, oh yeah, the woman who made it possible thanks you.
Or you could always shower IN your jeans, thus killing two birds with one stone.
Not that I advocate the senseless slaughter of birds or anything…
Comment by Dave2 — December 18, 2006 @ 7:35 am
Dave - Doesn’t work. Then your jeans shrink. And no unwashed jean-wearing obsessive compulsive person wants THAT.
Comment by Pauly D — December 18, 2006 @ 7:45 am
Dave2 is on the right track however I would recommend an occasional long soak in the tub with your jeans. How often do you actually soak in the tub anyway? Probably as often as you would want to wash those perfect jeans. And with you in the jeans they can’t lose that fit to which you are addicted. Just draw the water as hot as you can take, pour in the natural bath salts and mildly scented soaps, pull up the jeans and soak. Ahhhhh…………….
Comment by Jerry — December 18, 2006 @ 7:50 am
Yeah…no one likes ass-smelling jeans. Heh…
Comment by Amy — December 18, 2006 @ 8:55 am
while we are on the subject of smelly jeans…i know girls (no idea how this comes up in conversation) who say they don’t wear panties and they never wash their jeans which makes for one big rotten stink in my opinion. they don’t think anything is wrong with it…and they say they feel sexy not wearing undies. this leads me to believe they don’t wear underwear in other inappropriate situations like on the sofa or at the kitchen table which has to mean their entire life smells like crotch.
i on the other hand have to wash my jeans after each washing bc i am type a
happy holidays!
Comment by sarah — December 18, 2006 @ 9:11 am
Paul: You have recently accrued an obvious, recent benefit from wearing non-washed, non-tight-fitting jeans. That’s great, now throw those stinky pants into the wash, I can smell you from here!
Comment by susan — December 18, 2006 @ 9:49 am
Sarah - you should know that Pauly doesn’t wear underwear or pants (for that matter) when he writes blog entries. That’s why they are so damn sexy, but they also do smell like ass. You can’t have one of the other.
Comment by monkeyinabox — December 18, 2006 @ 11:30 am
Hmm. All I can think about right now is a guy in elementary school, named Joe, who wore the same jeans almost every day. And they did smell…
Comment by sandra — December 18, 2006 @ 2:11 pm
Sandra - Does Joe have a facial twitch on his left side? Cause there was a Joe in my elementary school who had one and wore his jeans almost every single day.
Comment by Pauly D — December 18, 2006 @ 4:15 pm
Ewwww to Sarah’s comment!
Comment by Dawn — December 18, 2006 @ 4:18 pm
as i sat here reading in my 6-days-without-a-wash jeans, i worried you might rule against me. thank you for your wise prognosis.
fwiw, i air my jeans out b/w wearings, don’t wear them two days in a row (i alternate with other unwashed jeans), and never go commando. there is nothing sexy about commando detritus.
Comment by dgm — December 18, 2006 @ 5:17 pm
Last time I went on holiday I made the mistake of asking my mother to keep an eye on the place and gave her my keys. When I returned I found she had not only washed but also - gasp - ironed my jeans. The horror. I never leave the house anymore.
Comment by cinekat — December 19, 2006 @ 6:57 am
In light of the circumstains:
Another good reason not to stick your nose in other people’s, ..er… business.
Comment by Daniel — December 19, 2006 @ 7:47 am