This Week’s Amazing Events (And Who Will Play Them In The Movie Version)

How often do you say “my life is like a movie?”

For me, I say it all the time. In fact, if I had a penny for every time I said that, I would have approximately $8,933.11 as of this post being written. Nonetheless, without further adieu, I would like to present to you the events that have occured to me this past week and who will play ME in the movie version of such events.

As you very well know, sometimes the movie adaptations of real life events can have some, um, creative tweaking which is also the case here…

The Rewriter
BEN STILLER stars as Paul Davidson — a screenwriter whose life is turned upside down when he’s chosen to write a brand new TV show for TV that will air on TV someday on someone’s TV. But things take a turn for the chaotic when he’s told that he has to (da da dum!)…rewrite it. And as if rewriting wasn’t hard enough on its own, Stiller finds that every time he turns on his laptop to start writing, the ghosts of Shakespeare, J.D. Salinger and Ernest Hemingway show up — heckling him with every line he writes. Now, Ben Stiller must get his TV show delivered to the Network and find a way to get Shakespeare, Salinger and Hemingway into the light while juggling three kids, a seal named Slappy and a next-door neighbor with Tourette’s Syndrome all at once! Hilarity ensues.

TOPHER GRACE stars as Paul Davidson in this black comedy about a guy who goes to a restaurant and orders a tuna sandwich, only to find out that the tuna sandwich has been loaded up with so much mayo that he’s got to ask the kitchen staff to redo the tuna sandwich. But upon asking the waitress, played by the adorable NATALIE PORTMAN, to please get him a less mayo-ey tuna sandwich, he starts to worry that she’ll spit in his newly redone sandwich — which she does. And little does Topher Grace know, but since Natalie Portman just did acid — her saliva is filled with the chemical and Topher himself ends up being affected. Now, with 24 hours to meet his fiancee’s parents and deliver a proposal at work for a brand new multi-million dollar project — the acid-tripped Grace must navigate Los Angeles with the help of the most unlikely buddy…Portman. Before the day is over, love will reign true as Grace realizes Portman and her mayo-filled Tuna is his true future.

Cracked & Loaded
MARK RUFFALO and REESE WITHERSPOON (who were adorable together in Just Like Heaven) rejoin forces in this wacky comedy about a writer (Ruffalo) and his wife (Witherspoon) who are faced with a precarious situation when Ruffalo (playing Paul Davidson) sets out to get his large green plastic cracked “greenery-only garbage pail” replaced by the city. But little does he know, there’s more to the process than just calling up an 800 number and reading off the code on the garbage pail. In the tradition of Scorsese’s After Hours — Ruffalo and Witherspoon spend an entire night in the Los Angeles streets attempting to get their cracked garbage pail back, when it’s stolen by rogue garbage collectors intent on making their own fortunes by melting down and repurposing other’s property.

KIEFER SUTHERLAND takes a break from shooting 24 to play the role of blogger Paul Davidson in this thriller about a car-trunk filled with water that must make it from the driveway to the fridge inside of his house before the President is killed. Inspired by true events in the press about plutonium posioning, Sutherland gets wind of a conspiracy in which foreign terrorists have already planned on poisoning the city’s water ON THE VERY DAY THE PRESIDENT WILL BE VISITING LOS ANGELES and, yes you guessed it — drinking the water. Fortunately for Davidson (Sutherland) — he’s been so lazy for the last 30 days that all the bottled water in his trunk (which was too heavy in the first place to bring it inside) has remained there while the city’s water supply has been poisoned. But now, a lazy bad decision is now the only way to save the President and save the World. Sutherland shines in this edge-of-your-seat thriller.

ASHTON KUTCHER stars as writer Paul Davidson in this unofficial three-quel to The Butterfly Effect (and homage to The Ring) — but this time everything centers around a freaky birthing video that Davidson (Kutcher) is forced to watch in preparation for the birth of his first child. In the film, a tape is floating around of a birthing video filmed in what seems like the 70’s — and while scary enough simply due to the screaming, heaving, gutteral goodness of the non-drugged subjects of the movie…it’s when the VCR’s counter reaches 01.43.21 that the visuals of an actual birth appear on screen. When people view the video they’re suddenly rendered frozen in one place, unable to move….unable to speak… and unable to go anywhere near a hospital. Davidson (Kutcher) sets out to retrieve the tape (without watching any of the birthing sequence for fear of it affecting him the same way) and remove it from the public before anyone else is harmed. But what if 01.43.21 shows up again before it’s too late? Indeed, my friends — it’s a scary proposition.

7 comments on “This Week’s Amazing Events (And Who Will Play Them In The Movie Version)

  1. Eve - December 2, 2006 at 9:42 am -

    You should guard these ideas with your life! Don’t be surprised when you see Kiefer Sutherland saving the President with the water in the trunk of your car or when Mayo-Man hits the big screen and you don’t get any of the royalties. Now that I think about it, Cracked & Loaded isn’t too far off from happening either. Check in about a week, and I’m sure there will be a story about the reteaming of Reese (who will get what like $20 million for the role?) and Ruffalo getting lost in the hood searching for their stolen garbage pail.

  2. Dave2 - December 2, 2006 at 1:02 pm -

    It’s like reading the movie roster from Lifetime Television! The drama!

  3. susan - December 2, 2006 at 3:54 pm -

    Sounds like FUN to be you! My life would not be a good movie without tons of tweaking. No one would believe the crazy-ass stuff that occurs around here.

  4. The Blogderdasher formerly H.F. Peterman - December 2, 2006 at 5:40 pm -

    “What did you do today. You see. That’s a show”

    I know someone who could play an eccentric verbose catalog magnate…If ummm you ever needed one.

  5. Mr. Slappy Marquez - December 3, 2006 at 2:19 pm -

    I was doing a search on ‘Natalie Portman’ and ‘mayo-filled tuna’ and this site was the only thing that popped up…

    Fun read. Nice job. Do you have any naked pix of Natalie?

  6. Michelle - December 4, 2006 at 10:19 am -

    Oh god, the birthing video horror movie! I’m frightened just thinking about it.

    They still use that video?

  7. The Centaur - December 5, 2006 at 1:13 pm -

    Paul, forget casting Kutcher, Sutherland, etc.

    I’ve always thought you look like Dean Cain… In fact, originally, I thought this site was Dean Cain’s blog.

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