Words for My Enjoyment

Redesigning The Fake Plastic Grape

November 21st, 2006

How many times have you almost eaten a fake, plastic apple?

Well, if you’re me — the answer is “pretty often.” That’s because the technology behind fake plastic apples, fake plastic pears, fake plastic bananas, fake plastic organges and fake plastic pomegrantes have grown in leaps and bounds since the 50’s and have fooled many a hungy kitchen-dweller. And while my teeth don’t particularly enjoy biting into the tough outer shell of a machine-made fruit, they also get pretty impressed by being fooled like that.

But the fake plastic grape? Yeah, not so much.

I’ve never had much respect for the fake plastic grape makers. I mean, have you ever taken a fake plastic grape inbetween two fingers and squeezed? Air squeezes out. Like a wimpy balloon on its last legs. Sometimes if you squeeze a fake plastic grape in the right way and with the right rhythm, it even makes a musical sound. And in the world of fake plastic fruit resembling and fooling people into believing that said fake plastic fruit is a real piece of fruit, this air-rushing goodness isn’t so good after all.

So why not redesign the fake plastic grape?

We have the technology to fly into outer space, to manipulate human genes on the DNA-level and to build structures so high that people need oxygen masks (which we also have the technology to create) in order to breathe. We have the technology to build robots that resemble humans, wireless technology that speeds information to all ends of the earth and computer technology that can fit on the tip of our fingertips. And yet, why can’t we design a fake plastic grape to fool the rest of the smart humans on the face of the Earth?

The answer? Lack of dedication.

Ask a scientist or inventor where he’s putting all his time and effort and he’ll probably mention stem cell research or artificial limb replacement. Ask that same scientist or inventor if they’d want to take some time out of their “important” research to get into this fake plastic grape thing for a little bit and watch them guffaw. The problem here isn’t that we don’t have the technology to fix this situation…it’s that we don’t have the interest. And that, my friends, is the biggest problem by my eye.

It’s a much bigger issue. The United States is failing in numerous areas, including education, technology and domestic issues. Smaller, less populated countries with far less wealth are leapfrogging us with their own technological dedication and know-how. And if we can’t nut up and put the time into redesigning the fake plastic grape, then what do you think that says to the rest of the world?

It says, go ahead and attack us. We can’t even figure out how to redesign the fake plastic grape.

My letters, of course, to important government officials have been met with lethargy (if not, complete ignorance). My sketches of the fake grape’s redesign have fallen on deaf ears (they’re multimedia designs with a theme song attached, thus the aural part of the redesign, FYI). Fruit professionals at the local supermarket simply reply, “why do you want a fake plastic grape when you can have a real juicy grape from our luscious in-store grape patch?”

Nobody gets it.

It’s simple. Take the technology for breast implants (a soft, internal pillowy feel but with a solid base) and make them smaller. Stick them in the middle of these fake plastic grapes. Let people squeeze them and watch how air doesn’t come rushing out. Then watch people’s eyes widen as they realize these are real grapes and why not pop one in their mouth! Then watch as the reality comes rushing forth, as said plastic-grape eater realizes that technology has become so advanced that even now they can’t tell the difference between the real thing and the fake plastic thing.

Our country’s issues would be solved in one full swoop.

That, of course, is just one of my many ideas in redesigning the fake plastic grape. From the above referenced implant scenario, to one where a small plastic juice bag is implanted in the middle of the fake plastic grape’s fake plastic outer-skin (and which juices through small indiscernable pores when squeezed), I’ve got lists and lists of potential ideas here.

I just need someone to take it seriously.

So if you agree with the cause and you know people in the position to make this redesign a reality, I welcome your assistance. Or if you’re just a huge grape fan — and you want to be a part of something wonderful, I welcome you as well. In times like these, we’ve got to stay true to our beliefs, and show the rest of the world that our can-do attitude isn’t only for show.

Fake plastic grapes. We’ll get it done.

Posted under Fake Food and Drink, Food and Drink, Plastic Fruit, Redesigns. |