Words for My Enjoyment

Words For Your Enjoyment: Chime Living

November 17th, 2006

Glorious, glorious Friday.

More glorious than a sundae with a pool of caramel at its base. More exhilirating than inhaling two packets of Splenda right up ones’ nose. More giddy than a clown, with a red nose, with a shaved poodle, shoving itself into a phonebooth too small for even one oversized grandmother with shopping bags. More powerful than, well, absolutely any other day of the week according to recent studies performed by University psychology students in a double-blind survey.

It’s more better, people. It’s more better.

Today’s “Words For Your Enjoyment” suggestion hails from WFME longtime reader Kathleen who writes: “Can you write about how life would be better if we incorporated the “turn the page” chime from books of our childhood into our adult lives?”

Yes, Kat. Yes. I. Can.

As children, the turn the page “chime” was a wonderful road map to literary wonder. We’d open up a book, listen to the tape read the words on the page, and when it was time to go onto the next page, we’d hear that wonderfully understated chime. It was, for all intents and purposes, teaching us the ways of the world.

Well, at least some of us.

Today, us adults have almost collectively forgotten when to pause and when to forge ahead — turning moments in our lives into awkward, uncomfortable interactions that could easily be helped by such an ingenious system. Such a system could finally, once and for all, infuse manners and reduce embarrassment by giving us the adolescent helping hand we so fondly remember. Here’s just a few examples of how that could work:

On A Date
Let’s face it, ladies. Sometimes guys don’t read the signals right. You might be thinking “go go go” and they might be wondering if it’s okay to make a move. Sometimes it might frustrate you and often it keeps relationships from moving forward because of the miscommunication. But utilizing our new “turn the page” chime system, physical interactions could now be streamlined. For when your date walked you to your door at the end of the night and the two of you stood in that awkward moment of silence…chime it up!

• First chime: You are GO for goodnight kiss.
• Second chime: You really should come inside.
• Third chime: Yeah, let’s go into the bedroom.
• Fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh chimes: Use your imagination.

From a dating, physical interaction standpoint, the “turn the page” chime would work wonders in this scenario.

In A Job Interview
Always, awkward. Always too many pockets of silence. Something that could totally benefit from our brand-new ingenious system. Here, just take a look at how this might work:

Interviewer: “Go ahead, Mr. Davidson. Please, tell us a little about yourself.”
Me: “Well…I graduated from college in 1995…”
[Silence. And.....CHIME!]
Me: “Oh, well — and I was President of my local Cats in the Cradle Tourney Club…”
[More silence. Then another chime!]
Me: “And, I’m really really organized….um…. Do you have anything else you’d like to ask-”
[Chime!]
Me: “I’m proficient in Excel. So, there you go.”
[Chime!]
Me: Oh. Um. I’m really a people person.”

For the interviewer, the “turn the page” chime system would work wonders — allowing them to sit back and continue goading you into more information, while you’d never have to wonder if you had said enough. Miscommunication and lack of communication would be a thing of the past.

While Negotiating The Release of Hostages
If you’ve negotiated for the release of hostages in bank robberies, cruise-ship takeovers and prison breaks that turned awry, you know that sometimes the hostage takers aren’t too verbose. Many a time I’ve had conversations on the phone with such people and they hardly say a word. You just never know when to keep talking. Our “turn the page” chime system would be quite useful for the Intelligence & Law Enforcement Community in saving lives. Here:

Hostage Negotiator: “Okay, so we just want to ensure the safety of the hostages here… And we’re willing to do whatever it takes to do so… That includes getting you guys some food, we’re sure you’re hungry…”
[Silence. Then...chime!]
Hostage Negotiator: “Um…okay, we could probably also get you some DVD movies, too.”
[Chime!]
Hostage Negotiator: “And tickets to Bali.”
[Chime!]
Hostage Negotiator: “And a plane.”
[Chime!]
Hostage Negotiator: “With hookers.”
[Chime!]
Hostage Negotiator: “Jeez, um…and one of those American Airlines tickets so you can fly first class anywhere in the world for an entire year…”
[Chime!]
Hostage Negotiator: “And a phone call with Britney Spears.”
[Chime!]

Sure, the hostage-takers might walk away with a lot more schwag — but we’d save lives. And wouldn’t that be the most important reason for incoporating the “turn the page” chime system into such hot-button negotiating situations?

But the turn the page chime system would do wonders in many other areas of our lives. From knowing when to go to the bathroom, when to drive through intersections, how to navigate elaborate booby trap systems and when to flip your credit card up on the table during dinner….the turn the page chime system could eventually be controlled by Big Brother, integrating itself into our lives like it once did as children.

Sure, it’d be repetitive and annoying at times, but isn’t it all worth it if it saved us in the end?

It’s just too bad it wasn’t an idea I came up with myself.

Posted under Chimes, Turn the Page, WFYE. |