Time to get those voting shoes on.
For if you live in the United States, today represents the biggest, most important, most crucial event all year next to straw-delivery day (the day you get delivered your massive palate of restaurant-grade drinking straws). Yet despite the importance and significance of voting, some Americans may forget to vote, disregard the process or end up eating potato skins at T.G.I.Friday’s instead. And in my opinion, it’s because voting doesn’t seem that exciting or engaging.
That’s why I’d like to offer up five new ingenious ways to make voting the most exciting experience ever.
Disclaimer: The following five new ingenious ways to make voting the most exciting experience ever, may (in your own opinion) be neither ingenious nor exciting. While the management here at WFME does believe some are ingenious and others are exciting, we cannot guarantee satisfaction across the board. In the event you would like to use any or all of these ingenious (or exciting) new ways to make voting the most exciting experience ever at your local voting spot, please refrain from giving us any credit whatsoever, especially if said new ingenious way causes chaos, violence or anger.
And now, onto the five new ingenious ways to make voting the most exciting experience ever.
- The Family Feud Experience: You remember the ‘ol “survey says” moment in the game show Family Fued? If the survey agreed with your answer and your answer was on the gameboard, you’d hear a glorious, satisfying melodic DING! If the collective didn’t agree with your answer you’d hear a loud, dischordant BUZZ sound accompanied by a big red X superimposed on the TV screen. That’s exactly what we’ll do here. With each choice you make in your voting (for Proposition, Governor, et al), when you mark your vote you’ll immediately hear a DING or a BUZZ depending on what the rest of the “current voters in the polling place” are choosing. It will make each choice you make either heartbreaking or ego-bolstering, and the buzzing and dinging obviously beats the classical music they play at my local polling place (a.k.a. residential garage).
- The Free Candy/Free Buffet Syndrome: For some people, voting is worse than having a malignant cyst removed, yet voting places don’t give out candy at all. In fact, the reason most people are convinced to go to the doctor’s office as children is because they know they’ll get a sugary reward in the end. And let’s face it, we’re all still children. We love free stuff. And as adults, we all absolutely love free buffet food. Taquitos, buffalo wings, gross potato things with cheese and faux-bacon bits melted on top. If I knew that my polling place was going to have all those things available to me while I wait, vote and wrap up the process — I would be there in a split second. And I think you would too.
- Mascots, Screwing With People: If every single major, minor league and collegiate sports team can have a mascot, then why can’t voters? If this country can come up with mascots for stopping forest fires, getting rid of acid reflux and tires, where’s the ad men coming up with the mascot for voting — the most important thing in the entire free democratic world? That’s why I propose introducing the new voting mascot: Votey, The Parrot. If you must know, Votey the Parrot is a huge parrot who stands by your secret voting booth peeking through the curtain and periodically shouting out who you’re voting for and repeating what you’re saying. “Sqwaaawwk! Schwartzenegger! Sqwaaawwk! What the F is Proposition 1A through 1E!? Sqwaaawwk! Maybe I should just close my eyes and pick anything!” Either way, Votey the Parrot will cause laughter and patriotism to flourish while potentially causing voters who have no idea about the issues to do some research before hand. On top of that, since we’ll need a Votey at every voting station, we’ll immediately create a slew of jobs for those in need. (We’ll also welcome other suggestions for mascot if they’re better than this one.)
- Voting Volleyball: Admit it. You love volleyball. A triple-blind survey taken in 2004 proved that volleyball is the one sport more Americans wish they could play than anything else (golf coming in at a close second). In this scenario, local leaders would set up volleyball courts at each of the voting locations and compensate professional volleyball players to give lessons that actually teach citizens about the voting issues at the same time. So, we’d tweak the rules a little bit. In order to serve the volleyball across the net, not only would you need to have to learn the process of that, but also the process of how a Bill becomes a law. If you wanted to spike the ball and nail a point, you’d also have to nail the concept of how reducing pollution by enacting certain propositions might also cause local school taxes to go sky high. There’d also be babes in bikinis to draw the 18-24 male crowd.
- The Paint-Ball Process: Some people take forever to vote. This causes longer lines, which causes people to stress out because they just came to vote after work and they’ve got to get home, and it causes others to abandon the process altogether. I mean, you can’t force people to vote faster to streamline the process, can you? Yes. You. Can. In this fifth new ingenious way to make voting the most exciting experience ever, each polling place will employ five decent paintballers who will periodically shoot painful welt-inducing paintballs at citizens who take too long to vote. To protect voters, each one will be given the required face mask and helmet so that injurys will be kept to the minimum. We’re not looking to injure people here — just give them painful welts on their upper thighs that remind them to make their decisions quickly, and without pause.
We here at WFME hope that these five new ingenious ways to make voting the most exciting experience ever can be integrated in time for the 2008 elections, although we will personally be trying to enact #5 this evening at our local polling place just to, you know…test it out.
We’ll let you know how it goes.
Now go vote.