Today’s Rebellious Thoughts on Lap Napkining

Lap nakpining.

If it was a phrase that had been legitimized by official linguistic and vocabulary publications, lap napkining would be described as “the act of laying a napkin on one’s lap due to societal and cultural pressures seemingly out of date, yet continually reinforced throughout dinners everywhere.” And while it might be long-winded, it would be quite an astute description of just how confining and idiotic the act of lap napkining has become in our society. And while such opinions might be rebellious…

…today I’m going to embrace such thoughts with open arms.

An Excerpt From My New Play, “Two Dimes And A Nickel For A Quarter”

Lights up on a Liquor store.

A MAN walks in, approaching the CLERK. He holds out a shiny quarter.

Man: “Hey, can I get two dimes and a nickel for a quarter?”

Clerk: “For what?”

Man: “Um, gotta make a call.”

Clerk: “Calls cost a quarter these days.”

Man: “Oh. Um, it’s for the meter outside.”

Clerk: “Meters take quarters.”

Man: “Can I just get two dimes and a nickel, please?”

Clerk: “I ain’t just makin’ change for no reason whatsoever. What’s the reason?”

Man: “I like dimes. And nickels.”

Clerk: “Nobody likes dimes or nickels. There’s no reason for ’em. No more, at least.”

Man: “I’m going to the dime store, okay?”

Clerk: “Wrong decade.”

Man: “I’m buying a dime a dozen?”

Clerk: “Nope.”

Man: “Nickel slots?”

Clerk: “This is Los Angeles. Not Vegas.”

Man: “Shoot.”

Clerk: “Yeah. See you.”

The MAN exits.

Lights out.

Today’s Imaginary Conversation With Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

While WFME is completely unpolitical, we couldn’t turn down five minutes with Iran’s man of the moment.

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, both complicated on his own and in the spelling of his name, has gained great press since the United States went to war in the Middle East, and is known for his hard-lined and opinionated thoughts on a variety of subjects including Israel, the United States, nuclear weapons and much much more.

Well today, thanks to WFME being granted this imaginary interview, we peel back the layers and find out even more about the man.

WFME: “Good day, Mr. Ahmadinejad.”

Ahmadinejad: “Yes, thank you.”

WFME On: Not Needing Heroes

Today marks a very special day here at WFME.

For while we normally use Monday’s to get back into the week, to wash our underwear and to finally finish off those antibiotics we’ve been meaning to finish up over the weekend — today we’ll be introducing a brand-new feature instead that we like to call WFME On:. Just what WFME will be chiming in on is anyone’s guess, and it’s bound to bring people together, worldwide, in a discussion of like-minded topics.

Today, WFME On: is all about not needing heroes.

I’m Thinking of a Number Between One and One-Hundred

I’m thinking of a number between 1 and 100.

It could be 4. But then again, who picks 4 if they announce they’re thinking of a number between 1 and 100? That’s insanity. 4 is like at the very beginning, it’s nowhere near “between” a number like 1 and a number like 100. But 50 is too much in the middle and one of the first numbers people guess after guessing 1 and 100.

Like I’d pick 50 if I was thinking of a number between 1 and 100.