Tums Are The New Flintstones Chewable Vitamins

When I was a kid I ate Flintstones Chewable Vitamins as a replacement for candy.

There was the Flintstones Chewable Vitamins Incident of ’84, in which I had eaten an entire bottle of the glorious, sugary pills after finishing off a half container of Vienna Fingers. That came hours after having drank three Coca Colas and two Yoo Hoo chocolate drinks. There was a black out, a struggle and a mandate that followed: there will be no more Flintstones Chewable Vitamins for you from this day forward.

That’s why it’s good that Tums are the new Flintstones Chewable Vitamins.

Today I Will Give Away A Lock Of My Hair

There have been overwhelming requests for a lock of my hair lately.

That is why, for your enjoyment, I will be giving away a lock of my hair to the person with the most impassioned, poetic, humorous and witty comment on this post. If you can communicate in your words the immense joy a lock of my hair will bring you, your family, your neighbors and your post office buddy Hal — you could end up with your own personal hairy keepsake of yours truly, right in your personal mailbox. Then again, you might not want a lock of my hair but you find someone else’s impassioned plea for wanting a lock of my hair to be so inspirational that you might want to let me know that out of the goodness of your heart that you think they should receive part of my hair instead.

Either way, today I will give away a lock of my hair. (via Priority Mail)

And Now I’d Like To Take A Moment To Answer A Handful Of Questions Currently Being Submitted Through The Website For My Book ‘The Lost Blogs’

My few month old hilarious new book The Lost Blogs (which includes blogs from history’s most famous folk had the Internet been around in their times) also has a companion website. That companion website has a section that includes an e-mail address available for questions from the public. I felt it was about time to post some of the answers to some of the most common questions:

  • No, Abraham Lincoln has yet to appear on the hit ABC show, Lost.
  • No, I didn’t see last night’s episode nor can I provide you with the answer to the question, “How is there a polar bear on a tropical island?”
  • Yes, I am friends with Lost creator J.J. Abrams in my dreams, and yes we have gone on a three day ski-retreat creative brainstorming session weekend together IN those dreams.
  • Yes, I’m sure the people at ABC.com are annoyed at me and talk about me in their digital meetings on a weekly basis since I own www.thelostblogs.com, www.thelostblogs.net, and lostblogs.net.
  • Yes, Joan of Arc and the actress who plays Kate on the TV show DO sort of have a similar brand of “female gusto” that helps them get through trying times.
  • No, the World Organization of Manuscript Preservation’s site is not a part of Lost‘s elaborate on-line puzzle game connected to the Dharma Initiative.
  • No, when I told you that the W.O.M.P. wasn’t a part of the Dharma Initiative, that wasn’t a clever way of trying to confuse you in determining the solution to the secret on-line Dharma Initiative game connected to the Hanso Foundation.
  • Yes, someone paid me to write The Lost Blogs and no, they didn’t pay me in coconuts.
  • No, this page does not include a picture of a primitive version of the computer from the show Lost that people fawned over for episodes, typing in a collection of numbers to save the world from being destroyed.
  • No, I don’t know how many ladies in waiting Marie Antionette had, where Jim Morrison is currently living, and what Moses’ favorite sports drink happens to be.

Writing Your Own Choose Your Own Adventure Book Is Actually Pretty Tough

AA
You wake up on the sandy white beaches of a far away island. The ship you were traveling on, the S.S. Wellington, is no more than a memory. And it’s passengers? Gone, except for you. A chest sits beside you and a dark ominous cave can be seen just at the horizon.

If you open the chest, continue to 1A.

If you go to the cave, continue to 1B.

1A
The chest is locked and you don’t have the key.

If you curse the chest, go to 2A.

If you go back to where you were shipwrecked, go to AA.

1B
The cave is scary. You have nothing to light your way.

If you go inside despite having no light (stupid decision), go to 3A.

If you go back to where you were shipwrecked go to AA.

2A
You curse the chest with all your might. It still doesn’t open.

If you continue to curse the chest, go to 2A.

If you go back to where you were shipwrecked, go to AA.

3A
You fall into a deep hole, impaling yourself on a sharp stick of some kind, although since it’s so dark you really can’t tell exactly what you impaled yourself on except for the fact that it has a “woodsy” smell to it.

If you cry out, desperately, go to 4A.

If you decide to die, go to 5A.

4A
You cry out. Desperately. Good work.

If you decide to give up and die, your journey has ended.

If you decide to cry some more like a pansy whose fault it is anyway since you walked into a dark cave without a light source of any kind, go to 4A.

5A
You die, in a dying kind of way.

The End.

There’s No Way To Determine Between Blood Diamonds and Regular Diamonds

Fellas, are you out there?

Are you in a relationship that is bordering on an engagement? Do you feel the pangs of commitment bearing down on your soul? Have you received an ultimatum from your sweetie that you either step up and be a man or forever be married to your video game console? Has your soon-to-be significant other suggested you go out and buy her a diamond ring?

If so, know that there’s no way to determine between blood diamonds and regular diamonds.