I Am Going To Be The Coolest Halloween Candy Giver Ever

I’ve already bought the candy.

I’ve packed it away in the cupboards and the fridge so that nothing will melt or look questionable. I’ve discarded the cheesy drugstore costumes in favor of a cool little number that will make me look as if I don’t need to dress up for the dark holiday. I’ve carved pumpkins and I’ve draped lights, I’ve discarded pennies and apples… I’m doing everything I can with one very important goal in mind:

I am going to be the coolest Halloween candy giver ever.

Let’s face it — when I was a kid I wasn’t a part of the coolest of the cool. I didn’t go around and tee pee homes and steal candy from little kids like the rest of the cool kids. I didn’t troll for candy in droves of girls and guys, cheerleaders and football players, drama studs and yearbook editors. Me and a few of my buddies went out, got candy, and went home and ate it all before midnight.

Well that’s about to change this time around.

Now I’m on the other side of the candy-giving cool-equation, being an adult with money and the ability to buy the cool with king-size Butterfingers and crisp dollar bills. Now that I’m the guy who owns the house and who opens the door, I can wiggle my way into a world I never was a part of by being the coolest Halloween Candy giver ever.

That’s right — this year everything is going to change.

My goal is tenfold. Not only will I instill the coolness by giving out extravagantly-sized chunks of candy, but by potentially gaining access to the inner-sanctum of teenager royalty by becoming each Halloween visitor’s best friend. If they want a six pack of beer, they’ve got it — because I’ve got it in my fridge. If they need double-ply rolls of toilet paper for my next door neighbor’s home — I’m ready to participate. If they need a getaway driver for down the street after they shoot shaving cream at unsuspecting trick or treaters and then steal their candy — I’ll offer up my services.

Because I’m going to use my age, my financial status and my ability to drive a car to my advantage this Halloween so that I can finally get to experience Halloween from the other side of the faux-Berlin wall. The place where popularity reigns and you can get away with anything on Halloween night for one simple factor…

How cool you are.

I’ll open the door and respond to their “Trick or Treat” line with a slew of even cooler, jaded responses like “Aw man, you don’t have to say that crap” to “Haha, why don’t we go trick my neighbor with some rotten eggs and dog poo!?” and “Yo, it’s all good fool!” I’ll be wearing my CBGB black stretch T-shirt with my A&F jeans and my backwards hat… I’ll have my Sidekick III flipped open and ready to do some kick-ass texting with you and your pals. I’ll have three huge 3 Musketeers bars peeking out from my pockets as if to say: “You’ve just knocked on the door of the King-Size Candy Home and I’m it’s proprietor!” By seven in the evening, I’ll be riding shotgun in some truck getting ready to chase down some kindergarteners.

And if I have to bribe you to be the coolest halloween candy giver ever…I will.

Five bucks for a shaving-cream attack ride along? Sure. A tenner for inclusion in your rotten egg/fiery poo assualt? No problem. A twenty to be given my own nickname (P. Dizzy) in your crew and admission to the nitros-oxide inhaling party later that night? Don’t even think twice. If it means I’m cool like you… If it means I can leave my current lifestyle behind just for one night to experience the coolest Halloween activities ever, I’m there.

And with my Halloween candy giving coolness, I have no doubt I’ll secure myself a place in your extreme Halloween candy cadre.

Then again, I wonder if I’m too old to return to a life like that, where oversized mufflers and spinning rims are par for the course. Where teasing and torturing the less fortunate are more entertaining of a game than drunk Lacrosse. It’s a world I was never a part of that I’m technically hoping to buy my way into this year with a simple bribe of oversized, dollar plus candy and hip, street ‘tude. It’s possible, I think — but is it really my 2006 destiny?

Yeah. It totally is.

So spread the word to your bros and your hos and your friends with benefits. Make sure the crew knows that I’m down with anything, anytime, anywhere this Halloween season. Tell everyone I’ve got the phat tech and the hip lingo and a car that goes 0 to 60 in less than 12 seconds and that I can even make my car make screeching sounds as we peel off into the darkness. And above all, don’t forget to tell all the cool kids that I’ve got the candy.

The best candy ever.

God, I am so going to be the coolest Halloween candy giver ever.

20 comments on “I Am Going To Be The Coolest Halloween Candy Giver Ever

  1. Janet - October 29, 2006 at 8:35 am -

    What if they don’t want you, just your car? I mean, if the cool kids were seen with a chaperone, well, their street cred goes to the gutters. You know what cool adults do, right Paul? Lock up the house and go to a party in the sluttest outfit you can find.

    Ha! In fact, (get this) I recall from my trick-or-treating days a woman who was never home when we came around collecting, but she would leave this large bowl of tootsi rolls and starbursts sitting on her porch. No one really wants an entire bowl of tootsi rolls or starbursts, so the bowl would remain safely on her porch, the candy dwindling at a polite amount while she was out reliving her youth with a lot of cider.

    Just a thought before you become “P Dizzy.”

  2. Lucas - October 29, 2006 at 9:29 am -

    Hey, dont’ you think that if your giving away all those king-sized bars, and cash, that you would become a bigger target to getting egged, and even potentially robbed?

    Besides, dont’ you think you should look into this from your peers’ point of views? what are adults going to think of you? Sure there would be a good amount who side with you, but you can probably rack up some residental complaints from neighbors.

    Well, good luck with that “P Dizzy”, and i’m sure all will go well, and if i lived around you, i’d knock up your door several times on All Hollows Eve.

  3. Steven Campbell - October 29, 2006 at 10:05 am -

    I live in a house up two hills, both very inconvenient for trick-or-treaters. If I lived somewhere where kids stopped for the candy, I might have a chance at being the second coolest Halloween candy giver ever.

  4. better safe than sorry - October 29, 2006 at 1:10 pm -

    good luck to you! i’ve found over the years, the candy my kids like the best aren’t measured by size, it’s uniqueness. this year, i found gummi body parts, should leave the kids all screaming for more.

  5. susan - October 29, 2006 at 1:11 pm -

    By virtue of your age and ability to drive etc. you cannot be a cool teen’s best friend. He will take your king-sized Butterfingers and money and TP and smirk at his friends behind your back. Don’t go there, man. (Sorry to burst your bubble.)

  6. Dave2 - October 29, 2006 at 1:50 pm -

    Makes me wish I was trick-or-treating in your neighborhood.

    Though, to be honest, my fear of being run down in the street by Gary Dourdan has me questioning whether you would be worth the risk…

  7. LisaBinDaCity - October 29, 2006 at 4:44 pm -

    You ate ALL of your candy before midnight? You must have been one sick kid!!!

  8. Pauly D - October 29, 2006 at 6:38 pm -

    Janet – I don’t know that I have a “slutty outfit.” I mean, I have a tight-fitting club shirt, but…

    Lucas – Yikes, I didn’t think about the criminal element. Good point.

    Susan – You’re just like the rest of them, aren’t you? Glass half empty adult mentality. Well, you know what? Just because I have a car doesn’t mean they won’t want to hang. Hell, I could probably get a frosh cheerleader by having my license.

    Dave – Gary Dourdon hasn’t been around in awhile. Blair Underwood lives nearby though, but he drives a Prius.

    LisaB – I still eat ALL my candy. It’s a problem.

  9. brooke - October 29, 2006 at 7:45 pm -

    I’m embarassed to know you.

    Can I have some candy?

  10. Pauly D - October 29, 2006 at 7:46 pm -

    Brooke – Oh, I love you too.

  11. Darlene - October 29, 2006 at 7:55 pm -

    I don’t have a comment about this post, but I wanted to say that I picked up your book at a shop in Melbourne, Australia yesterday.

    On the way to work this morning on the tram, I was giggling away like a school girl on drugs while I was reading it. It’s not just a history lesson, but an accurate guide to the blogosphere (for example, egomania, narcissism and delusions of grandeur), not to mention all the links here, here and here. Tee hee.

    Well done!!!

  12. cinekat - October 30, 2006 at 7:04 am -

    I now live in a country that doesn’t do Halloween (or Thanksgiving, or Charlie Brown specials…). Will you send me candy? Pretty please?

  13. purpletwinkie - October 30, 2006 at 10:09 am -

    Weren’t you the coolest candy giver last year? I smell a repeat.

  14. Pauly D - October 30, 2006 at 10:14 am -

    PT – Last year I posted how my “house had the best candy.” This year, I’m taking it to the next level by using the best candy to give myself the chance to hang out with the cool hoodlum trick or treaters.

    Sure, the post has a similar subject matter (Halloween and candy) — but the results, well, they’re like night and day.

  15. treespotter - October 30, 2006 at 11:36 am -

    blimey, i always thought people on the other side of the wall was cool

  16. Kathleen - October 30, 2006 at 3:41 pm -

    you’ve already written this post

  17. Kathleen - October 30, 2006 at 3:41 pm -

    well sorta

  18. Pauly D - October 30, 2006 at 4:12 pm -

    Kat – And next Halloween I’m going to write another post about candy, trick or treating and other Halloween related customs. I hope you’ll be around to write the same comment next year as well.

  19. Kathleen - October 30, 2006 at 8:01 pm -

    I’ll be expecting the H4 of candy.

    (you’re so much fun, you know?)

  20. monkeyinabox - November 1, 2006 at 10:07 am -

    A six-pack of beer and a king sized candy bar. That’s about as American as it can get. God Bless You Pauly D.

    The price of freedom was worth it.

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