I’ve already bought the candy.
I’ve packed it away in the cupboards and the fridge so that nothing will melt or look questionable. I’ve discarded the cheesy drugstore costumes in favor of a cool little number that will make me look as if I don’t need to dress up for the dark holiday. I’ve carved pumpkins and I’ve draped lights, I’ve discarded pennies and apples… I’m doing everything I can with one very important goal in mind:
I am going to be the coolest Halloween candy giver ever.
Let’s face it — when I was a kid I wasn’t a part of the coolest of the cool. I didn’t go around and tee pee homes and steal candy from little kids like the rest of the cool kids. I didn’t troll for candy in droves of girls and guys, cheerleaders and football players, drama studs and yearbook editors. Me and a few of my buddies went out, got candy, and went home and ate it all before midnight.
Well that’s about to change this time around.
Now I’m on the other side of the candy-giving cool-equation, being an adult with money and the ability to buy the cool with king-size Butterfingers and crisp dollar bills. Now that I’m the guy who owns the house and who opens the door, I can wiggle my way into a world I never was a part of by being the coolest Halloween Candy giver ever.
That’s right — this year everything is going to change.
My goal is tenfold. Not only will I instill the coolness by giving out extravagantly-sized chunks of candy, but by potentially gaining access to the inner-sanctum of teenager royalty by becoming each Halloween visitor’s best friend. If they want a six pack of beer, they’ve got it — because I’ve got it in my fridge. If they need double-ply rolls of toilet paper for my next door neighbor’s home — I’m ready to participate. If they need a getaway driver for down the street after they shoot shaving cream at unsuspecting trick or treaters and then steal their candy — I’ll offer up my services.
Because I’m going to use my age, my financial status and my ability to drive a car to my advantage this Halloween so that I can finally get to experience Halloween from the other side of the faux-Berlin wall. The place where popularity reigns and you can get away with anything on Halloween night for one simple factor…
How cool you are.
I’ll open the door and respond to their “Trick or Treat” line with a slew of even cooler, jaded responses like “Aw man, you don’t have to say that crap” to “Haha, why don’t we go trick my neighbor with some rotten eggs and dog poo!?” and “Yo, it’s all good fool!” I’ll be wearing my CBGB black stretch T-shirt with my A&F jeans and my backwards hat… I’ll have my Sidekick III flipped open and ready to do some kick-ass texting with you and your pals. I’ll have three huge 3 Musketeers bars peeking out from my pockets as if to say: “You’ve just knocked on the door of the King-Size Candy Home and I’m it’s proprietor!” By seven in the evening, I’ll be riding shotgun in some truck getting ready to chase down some kindergarteners.
And if I have to bribe you to be the coolest halloween candy giver ever…I will.
Five bucks for a shaving-cream attack ride along? Sure. A tenner for inclusion in your rotten egg/fiery poo assualt? No problem. A twenty to be given my own nickname (P. Dizzy) in your crew and admission to the nitros-oxide inhaling party later that night? Don’t even think twice. If it means I’m cool like you… If it means I can leave my current lifestyle behind just for one night to experience the coolest Halloween activities ever, I’m there.
And with my Halloween candy giving coolness, I have no doubt I’ll secure myself a place in your extreme Halloween candy cadre.
Then again, I wonder if I’m too old to return to a life like that, where oversized mufflers and spinning rims are par for the course. Where teasing and torturing the less fortunate are more entertaining of a game than drunk Lacrosse. It’s a world I was never a part of that I’m technically hoping to buy my way into this year with a simple bribe of oversized, dollar plus candy and hip, street ‘tude. It’s possible, I think — but is it really my 2006 destiny?
Yeah. It totally is.
So spread the word to your bros and your hos and your friends with benefits. Make sure the crew knows that I’m down with anything, anytime, anywhere this Halloween season. Tell everyone I’ve got the phat tech and the hip lingo and a car that goes 0 to 60 in less than 12 seconds and that I can even make my car make screeching sounds as we peel off into the darkness. And above all, don’t forget to tell all the cool kids that I’ve got the candy.
The best candy ever.
God, I am so going to be the coolest Halloween candy giver ever.