And another Friday is upon us.
This being the case, I would like to welcome you to yet another edition of “Words For Your Enjoyment” — where real people who really read this blog actually submit real e-mails to me via my real contact form and then I take said real ideas, sift through them in a realistic way, and then choose which one I really want to write about. Often, hilarity ensues. Other times, nothing much comes out of it at all.
Which is a perfect segue into today’s suggested topic.
New WFME vocalizing pal Merel writes: “I want to ask whether this week for Words For Your Enjoyment, could you write a post that has no topic? I reckon you should be able to manage that!!!”
Writing a post that has no topic is sort of like writing a story that has no character. But even more complicated is that I can’t even write a post about having no topic because then what you’d have is a post about writing a post that has no topic and so in order to stray away from such a thing (and in an attempt to fulfill your wishes in writing a post that has no topic) I must periodically and without warning completely stop talking about writing a post without a topic and literally writing a post that has no coherent topic whatsoever.
And that’s why I don’t ride escalators — it’s the danger of having your feet getting caught in the wedge between the moving metallic stairs and the slick steel wall of the escalator. If you haven’t already gotten your shoe stuck and chopped up by doing such a thing then you’ll never want to put yourself in that position because it’s both dangerous, nervewracking and above all — completely painful.
Which ended up resulting in a churro sandwich: two churros flattened out with a meat cleaver, then filled in the middle with vanilla ice cream, cookie pieces and jelly beans. Although impossible to put on a stick or hold in your hands without getting crap dripping all over your body, still, it’s a churro sandwich! And if you’ve never heard of a churro sandwich you will amaze people not only because you’ve never heard of a churro sandwich but more importantly because you’ve now heard of a churro sandwich, they haven’t, and you’re smarter than them when it comes to sandwiches made out of churros.
But writing and counting words like this one “here” is the ninth word is a tough enterprise to overcome especially since by the time you count out a “word” and denote that it’s the twenty-ninth word you’re already counting past twenty-nine words since in order to count words and denote what number those words are you still have to create more words (which ups the count) to even “explain” that explain was the seventy-first word in the paragraph but there are way more than seventy-one words now involved. And did you know that if you can get a gig writing for a national magazine you can get paid at least $1-2 dollars a word and that means that the word “a”, “the” and “on” are all worth a dollar or two to you. And a dollar or two can get you a taco at Taco Bell. Which means, the words “a”, “the” and “on” represent bean burritos with sour cream if you so desire.
But I digress.
Because if I did have a knife and you had a knife too and you challenged me to a knife fight and there were no other people around and you thought that was a good idea because if one of us killed the other and there were witnesses we’d most probably end up in jail or arrested or something like that…I would tell you that I wouldn’t want to start the knife fight unless other people WERE around. Why? Because if I’m going to be a part of a knife fight (which I hardly ever do at all) and that means I’m probably going to suck at it anyway, I would hope people would see me involved in a knife fight so at least I could brag about being in a knife fight after the fact. Same goes for hang gliding, too. If I’m going to be involved in dangerous activities, I need people to see me doing them, so I can brag about them later from my hospital bed.
And that’s why the square root of cheeseburger is yeast.