If Multiple Personality Disorder Is A Superpower Then Los Angeles Is Filled With Heroes

Have you seen NBC’s breakout hit Heroes?

Besides the typical superheroes you’ll meet each week (the flying guy, the invincible chick, the seeing-into-the-future Nostradamus strung-out artist dude, the non-English speaking bender of space & time buddy and the I can read your mind police officer) you’ll also meet the one played by actress Ali Larter — a hot blonde named Niki Sanders whose superpower is… (wait for it)… muliple personality disorder.

Which only makes me immediately think of all the people living in the heart of tinsel town who have not-so-amazing superpowers of their own.

Let me first come clean: Heroes‘ Niki Sanders is a sweet mother trying to make ends meet by selling her image over the internet that men pay to see. When she blacks out or when tough times come her way, the “other” Niki Sanders takes over, doing the dirty work (like killing people, sleeping with people and generally doing other awful things to people) that the more chaste Niki Sanders would never do. Alas, her multiple personality takes over.

This, my friends, is no superpower.

In fact, in Los Angeles — that’s more like a common everyday occurence. And if Heroes is positing that someone with multiple personality disorder is a superhero, then Los Angeles has millions of ’em. And with that said, I would like to give you the upcoming character list for the spin-off series of Heroes (which is bound to happen since it’s one of like three new shows to succeed): aptly dubbed Heroes: Los Angeles, which follows the kind of “superpowered” folks you’d find in La La land. Such characters include:

Plastic Man: He’s had so much plastic surgery done, he’s literally 90% plastic. Chin and calf implants, botox, pect implants, liposuction, stomach stapling and an entirely replaced left arm. And that’s his superpower. That he’s made of, um, lots of plastic.

Blackberry Girl: With one hand, she can type out the Gettysburg address with that tiny, carpal-tunnel syndrome inducing mini-keyboard. When the city is about to be destroyed and the President needs to know, turn to Blackberry Girl for her quick typing skills.

Paxil Guy: Faced with a social situation that you just can’t stomach? Bring Paxil guy along and he’ll rescue you with his little pocket of pills that will, guaranteed, make you feel more sociable, comfortable and at ease.

Yeast Infection Lady: Yes, she’s got a yeast infection she just can’t shake. It wards off enemies. Eventually. And it’s super!

Free Buffet Boy: He’s living on a $300/week salary delivering mail to agents — but ask him where you can get free taquitos or salad without having to buy a thing and he’ll show you the way.

Westside to Valley Man: With the traffic, people say it’s literally impossible to make it from Santa Monica to the Valley in less than 45 minutes. Well, that’s what makes Westside to Valley Man so amazing — using the sidestreets and backroads he can get you there in 40. Marvel at his marvelness.

Cheerleader Role-Playing Chick: She’s not a cheerleader, but she dresses like one. For your pleasure.

Bail Bonds Boy: He owns a Bail Bonds company. Which is amazing and his superpower because he’s the most interesting person at any party because he’s the only guy who doesn’t work in the “Industry.” Seriously, one mention of his non-Entertainment based job and EVERYONE wants to talk to him. He’s so interesting, his superpower stops everyone dead in their tracks.

While I’ve outlined these certain characters, because multiple-personality disorder is technically a superpower, there are a slew of other superpowers that one could use to define their superness. Such ailments that would also make you super (going by the Heroes list of requirements) include, but are not limited to: Tourette’s syndrome, Gangrene, Skewed Equilibrium, Lockjaw, Gingivitis, Scoliosis, and Hiccups.

Due to such freedom in naming medical ailments as superpowers, I have begun to revisit my previous declaration that I would like my superpower to be having correct change for all those sticky laundry, vending machine and parking meter situations. I figure if Niki Sanders can be a superhero with her un-talent, then my ability to collect change could possibly be one too.

I’ll wait to hear from NBC on this matter.

14 comments on “If Multiple Personality Disorder Is A Superpower Then Los Angeles Is Filled With Heroes

  1. Dave2 - October 25, 2006 at 4:05 am -

    Wow… a show with THOSE heroes might actually be interesting!

  2. Hilary - October 25, 2006 at 8:36 am -

    I think I’ve met all of these people, save for Westside to Valley Man. And that’s only because he doesn’t exist. Not even superhero powers could make that travel time possible.

  3. James Cooper - October 25, 2006 at 8:45 am -

    Where might I enlist the services of this Cheerleader Role-Playing Chick? And Bail Bonds Boy should I need his services later?

  4. Pauly D - October 25, 2006 at 8:46 am -

    James – Los Angeles, my friend. They’re ALL here.

  5. treespotter - October 25, 2006 at 9:38 am -

    so i guess people with ADD lost their chance once again…

  6. Jerry - October 25, 2006 at 9:56 am -

    Treespotter, I think Paul started out wanting to list ADD as a superpower but half way through this post it slipped his mind. And it very well may be Paul’s own superpower ADD Man — when it absolutely is a really bad idea that shouldn’t be carried through to completion, count on ADD man to make sure it is not only not completed but completely abandoned as well.

  7. Pierce - October 25, 2006 at 12:44 pm -

    Maybe they’re setting this Niki character up to be a super-villain? Sound like super-villain type behaviour to me.

    My superpower is that I always know exactly what to say to kill all the conversation at a table.

  8. susan - October 25, 2006 at 2:25 pm -

    Pauly, you forgot “Omniscient Conversation Woman”. She knows exactly what you are going to say when the two of you are having a “conversation”, and she demonstrates her power by interrupting you with “OH, I KNOW…” and then blathering on about herself. She is a clone however and lives in EVERY town and city, not just LA.

  9. The Centaur - October 26, 2006 at 2:02 pm -

    These heroes are not just in LA. Just go to any Greyhound bus station.

  10. hadashi - October 26, 2006 at 6:50 pm -

    oh how i wish i was Westside to Valley Woman. or that Westside to Valley Man was my personal driver. or maybe i just wish i HAD a personal driver…

  11. jadepark - October 27, 2006 at 12:26 am -

    hey, don’t give the screenwriters any ideas! there’s definitely room in the script for more “heroes.”

    though i love this show. i just started watching it, and i am hooked. i just hope that they don’t have a cliffhanger where MPD lady “quits” the group because she pulls the LVAD wire on flying dude who then dies and then never-dies girl has to choose between two lovers. i hope they don’t have this cliffhanger and then 3 shows into next season MPD lady decides, “wait, nevermind. I don’t want to quit afterall, because i want to do a RUNNING WHIP STITCH ON A HEART!” and never-dies girl decides to NOT choose between two lovers and oh wait, decides to go with the dude she was first going out with after all.

    oh. i am so bitter about the script for grey’s anatomy this season, aren’t i?

  12. TedSez - October 30, 2006 at 1:15 pm -

    Don’t forget “Trader Joe’s Employee Guy.” He can check you out in a third of the time as a Ralph’s cashier, and appear happy to do it! He wears a costume (okay, a Hawaiian shirt), and can tell you when any of 500 out-of-stock products will be back in the store. (But he does have one weakness: His parking lot is car kryptonite!)

  13. Ann - March 5, 2007 at 7:21 am -

    I think I’ve met all these characters around LA. What a crowd, what a city!

  14. nn - April 4, 2007 at 10:41 am -

    Niki’s true power is NOT juz multiple personality or alter ego,,,

    BUT,, Powerful-Inhumanstrenght-and-Monstrous(Bithcy…) Alter ego…..

    i think splitting sumone’s body into two is quite “superpower” to me. (see episode 2) =p

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