Have you seen NBC’s breakout hit Heroes?
Besides the typical superheroes you’ll meet each week (the flying guy, the invincible chick, the seeing-into-the-future Nostradamus strung-out artist dude, the non-English speaking bender of space & time buddy and the I can read your mind police officer) you’ll also meet the one played by actress Ali Larter — a hot blonde named Niki Sanders whose superpower is… (wait for it)… muliple personality disorder.
Which only makes me immediately think of all the people living in the heart of tinsel town who have not-so-amazing superpowers of their own.
Let me first come clean: Heroes‘ Niki Sanders is a sweet mother trying to make ends meet by selling her image over the internet that men pay to see. When she blacks out or when tough times come her way, the “other” Niki Sanders takes over, doing the dirty work (like killing people, sleeping with people and generally doing other awful things to people) that the more chaste Niki Sanders would never do. Alas, her multiple personality takes over.
This, my friends, is no superpower.
In fact, in Los Angeles — that’s more like a common everyday occurence. And if Heroes is positing that someone with multiple personality disorder is a superhero, then Los Angeles has millions of ’em. And with that said, I would like to give you the upcoming character list for the spin-off series of Heroes (which is bound to happen since it’s one of like three new shows to succeed): aptly dubbed Heroes: Los Angeles, which follows the kind of “superpowered” folks you’d find in La La land. Such characters include:
Plastic Man: He’s had so much plastic surgery done, he’s literally 90% plastic. Chin and calf implants, botox, pect implants, liposuction, stomach stapling and an entirely replaced left arm. And that’s his superpower. That he’s made of, um, lots of plastic.
Blackberry Girl: With one hand, she can type out the Gettysburg address with that tiny, carpal-tunnel syndrome inducing mini-keyboard. When the city is about to be destroyed and the President needs to know, turn to Blackberry Girl for her quick typing skills.
Paxil Guy: Faced with a social situation that you just can’t stomach? Bring Paxil guy along and he’ll rescue you with his little pocket of pills that will, guaranteed, make you feel more sociable, comfortable and at ease.
Yeast Infection Lady: Yes, she’s got a yeast infection she just can’t shake. It wards off enemies. Eventually. And it’s super!
Free Buffet Boy: He’s living on a $300/week salary delivering mail to agents — but ask him where you can get free taquitos or salad without having to buy a thing and he’ll show you the way.
Westside to Valley Man: With the traffic, people say it’s literally impossible to make it from Santa Monica to the Valley in less than 45 minutes. Well, that’s what makes Westside to Valley Man so amazing — using the sidestreets and backroads he can get you there in 40. Marvel at his marvelness.
Cheerleader Role-Playing Chick: She’s not a cheerleader, but she dresses like one. For your pleasure.
Bail Bonds Boy: He owns a Bail Bonds company. Which is amazing and his superpower because he’s the most interesting person at any party because he’s the only guy who doesn’t work in the “Industry.” Seriously, one mention of his non-Entertainment based job and EVERYONE wants to talk to him. He’s so interesting, his superpower stops everyone dead in their tracks.
While I’ve outlined these certain characters, because multiple-personality disorder is technically a superpower, there are a slew of other superpowers that one could use to define their superness. Such ailments that would also make you super (going by the Heroes list of requirements) include, but are not limited to: Tourette’s syndrome, Gangrene, Skewed Equilibrium, Lockjaw, Gingivitis, Scoliosis, and Hiccups.
Due to such freedom in naming medical ailments as superpowers, I have begun to revisit my previous declaration that I would like my superpower to be having correct change for all those sticky laundry, vending machine and parking meter situations. I figure if Niki Sanders can be a superhero with her un-talent, then my ability to collect change could possibly be one too.
I’ll wait to hear from NBC on this matter.