When I was a kid I ate Flintstones Chewable Vitamins as a replacement for candy.
There was the Flintstones Chewable Vitamins Incident of ’84, in which I had eaten an entire bottle of the glorious, sugary pills after finishing off a half container of Vienna Fingers. That came hours after having drank three Coca Colas and two Yoo Hoo chocolate drinks. There was a black out, a struggle and a mandate that followed: there will be no more Flintstones Chewable Vitamins for you from this day forward.
That’s why it’s good that Tums are the new Flintstones Chewable Vitamins.
I used to think Tums were for old people. That they should be relegated to the dark hidden parts of medicine chests that included Ben Gay, Preparation H, suppositories, Aloe Vera and a slew of other gross-sounding medications that I would never need, or ever want. But then came the Indigestion of ’06 (just mere months ago) after visiting what “they” call an Italian family-style restaurant where garlic bread comes out of the oven the size of a large pizza. A suggestion to pop a few Tums would come soon thereafter.
It was like finding the Lost City of Gold. Or finding Shangri-La. Or the Fountain of Youth. Okay, maybe not like finding the Fountain of Youth. It was more like finding the Lost Candy City of Shangri-Youth all in one. My mouth, alive with the pleasure of the most amazing-tasting candy/medicine (candicine), I finally realized that not only could medicine taste good (although Triamenic cough suppresant has always been a close second to un-frozen Otter Pops), but it could supplant candy and emerge as an afternoon snack all in one.
And now, I am addicted to the glorious chalky flavor of Tums.
And while Sweet Tarts come a close second to the calcium-infused goodness of a Tums, they can’t hold a flame to my glorious Tums — which come infused with a rainbow of colors and flavors that include cherry, grape, cherry-grape, burnt-grape, grape-chalk, cherry-chalk and berry-menagerie chalk. I’ve never been happier eating candy chalk. And maybe that’s what’s so addictive about it.
I’m eating chalk! And it’s good! And good FOR you! And it’s medicine!! And it’s TUMS! God, I just get all giddy popping those glorious chalky great-tasting mini-hockeypucks of stomach soothing goodness. And I won’t apologize for it as long as my stomach lining holds out against the barrage of chalky-invaders.
Yes, Tums are the new Flintstones Chewable Vitamins — and I just hope it stays that way. For, if another incident befalls me and my beloved T’s…well…
Watch out orangey-flavored Airbone! You could be next.