Tums Are The New Flintstones Chewable Vitamins

When I was a kid I ate Flintstones Chewable Vitamins as a replacement for candy.

There was the Flintstones Chewable Vitamins Incident of ’84, in which I had eaten an entire bottle of the glorious, sugary pills after finishing off a half container of Vienna Fingers. That came hours after having drank three Coca Colas and two Yoo Hoo chocolate drinks. There was a black out, a struggle and a mandate that followed: there will be no more Flintstones Chewable Vitamins for you from this day forward.

That’s why it’s good that Tums are the new Flintstones Chewable Vitamins.

I used to think Tums were for old people. That they should be relegated to the dark hidden parts of medicine chests that included Ben Gay, Preparation H, suppositories, Aloe Vera and a slew of other gross-sounding medications that I would never need, or ever want. But then came the Indigestion of ’06 (just mere months ago) after visiting what “they” call an Italian family-style restaurant where garlic bread comes out of the oven the size of a large pizza. A suggestion to pop a few Tums would come soon thereafter.

It was like finding the Lost City of Gold. Or finding Shangri-La. Or the Fountain of Youth. Okay, maybe not like finding the Fountain of Youth. It was more like finding the Lost Candy City of Shangri-Youth all in one. My mouth, alive with the pleasure of the most amazing-tasting candy/medicine (candicine), I finally realized that not only could medicine taste good (although Triamenic cough suppresant has always been a close second to un-frozen Otter Pops), but it could supplant candy and emerge as an afternoon snack all in one.

And now, I am addicted to the glorious chalky flavor of Tums.

And while Sweet Tarts come a close second to the calcium-infused goodness of a Tums, they can’t hold a flame to my glorious Tums — which come infused with a rainbow of colors and flavors that include cherry, grape, cherry-grape, burnt-grape, grape-chalk, cherry-chalk and berry-menagerie chalk. I’ve never been happier eating candy chalk. And maybe that’s what’s so addictive about it.

I’m eating chalk! And it’s good! And good FOR you! And it’s medicine!! And it’s TUMS! God, I just get all giddy popping those glorious chalky great-tasting mini-hockeypucks of stomach soothing goodness. And I won’t apologize for it as long as my stomach lining holds out against the barrage of chalky-invaders.

Yes, Tums are the new Flintstones Chewable Vitamins — and I just hope it stays that way. For, if another incident befalls me and my beloved T’s…well…

Watch out orangey-flavored Airbone! You could be next.

13 comments on “Tums Are The New Flintstones Chewable Vitamins

  1. del - October 21, 2006 at 9:38 am -

    Oh, man. That icky yellow Triamenic cough syrup was the nastiest stuff ever developed by the pharmaceutical industry. I’m sure it was the product of some failed 1970’s chemical warfare experiment. They may have improved the taste since I was a kid but I’ll never know! Gives me the shudders just thinking about it…

  2. Tiny Banquet Committee - October 21, 2006 at 9:41 am -

    Ok, I will take your word that they’re tasty, but they haven’t got heads or feet to bite off! I used to love to bite the heads off my Flintstone vitamins.

  3. Amy - October 21, 2006 at 9:59 am -

    I survived on Tums throughout both of my pregnancies because my heartburn was so terrible. I’m happy to say that I haven’t had a Tums since I gave birth and I kind of miss them.

    I forgot how much I loved them. This post has convinced me to rekindle my romance with Tums. Thanks, Pauly!

  4. Pauly D - October 21, 2006 at 10:01 am -

    del – There’s a yummy red Triamenic cough syrup. The yellow kind tasted like the blood of crickets. But the red stuff? That’s the juice!

    TBC – I would segregate my Flintstones into like-minded groups, THEN eat their legs and feet off. Although Dino was always all feet.

    Amy – I’m here for you. Rejoice and rekindle that love!

  5. Jeff - October 21, 2006 at 12:27 pm -

    I too am a lover of Tums. I sometimes convince myself that I should pop a couple after a meal because I might have heartburn later on – even though I’m not sure that I’ll actually need them. But you know what? When I do – I don’t get heartburn. So who’s to say that I wouldn’t have gotten heartburn if I hadn’t?

    You following this?

  6. dgm - October 21, 2006 at 12:44 pm -

    you must have strong fingernails and toenails. i’m a tums popper myself, and the pedicurist needs wire cutters to do the trim job.

    just make sure you don’t take too much or you’ll be blogging about kidney stones or some such affliction: http://www.labtestsonline.org/understanding/analytes/calcium/test.html

    you need to balance calcium with magnesium and other minerals (phosporous). i don’t think those are nearly as tasty as tums. btw, if you think tums is a tasty candy treat, try those viactiv chewable calcium squares in chocolate and caramel. mmmmmmmm…

  7. brooke - October 21, 2006 at 1:13 pm -

    I keep a jar in my desk drawer at work. It’s my magic candy. Plus, the mint flavored ones freshen your breath!

  8. Michele - October 21, 2006 at 9:43 pm -

    Yeah…those chalky fruity flavored tablets are kind of tasty, aren’t they? I was on a Tums binge a while ago – in a quest to make sure I don’t become a hunchbacked old bat.

    You reminded me of two things – 1) Sweetarts and the way my tongue used to bleed from sucking on them too hard. 2) That I used to loooooove Bayer Orange children’s aspirin so much that I gobbled an entire bottle and had to get my stomach pumped.

  9. Daniel - October 21, 2006 at 10:45 pm -

    The mention of Bayer orange does bring back an involuntary flood of tastebud memories.

    But what I really don’t get about the whole “this” being the new “that” thing… is this:

    If “this” is now the new “that”, what then is to be the status of this prodigal “that”, the whilom “this” gone “that” ?

    You see what I mean…… All Hell starts breaking loose

  10. Kathleen - October 22, 2006 at 12:35 pm -

    I remember the first time you wrote about Flinstones vitamins…that’s one of my favorites.

    and to each his own, but I think the vitamins are WAY better than Tums

  11. LisaBinDaCity - October 23, 2006 at 4:35 am -

    Ah! That explains everything 😉

  12. tee - March 16, 2008 at 4:33 pm -

    i feel like i’ve found my “home”… Hi, I’m Tee and I’m a TUMS addict…. seriously, to the point where I’m embarrased to say how many i eat a day…. they shouldn’t make them taste so good….. and there’s no CANDY that compares… not smarties or sweet tarts… i love them….

  13. Pauly D - March 16, 2008 at 5:32 pm -

    Tee – Welcome aboard! I don’t ever NEED Tums, but they are the best tasting “candy” evah.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.