Today I Will Give Away A Lock Of My Hair
October 20th, 2006
There have been overwhelming requests for a lock of my hair lately.
That is why, for your enjoyment, I will be giving away a lock of my hair to the person with the most impassioned, poetic, humorous and witty comment on this post. If you can communicate in your words the immense joy a lock of my hair will bring you, your family, your neighbors and your post office buddy Hal — you could end up with your own personal hairy keepsake of yours truly, right in your personal mailbox. Then again, you might not want a lock of my hair but you find someone else’s impassioned plea for wanting a lock of my hair to be so inspirational that you might want to let me know that out of the goodness of your heart that you think they should receive part of my hair instead.
Either way, today I will give away a lock of my hair. (via Priority Mail)
The people don’t want thinning locks and crocodile tears and stale chocolate Eclairs
They prefer blood. (It’s a culture thing)
The head of John the Baptist…. or any minor Celebrity will do really.
Comment by Daniel — October 20, 2006 @ 10:17 am
A new challenge to comment with flair
Caused Susan’s competitiveness to flare
When informed of the prize
She squinted her eyes
And asked: Why would I want Pauly’s hair?
Comment by susan — October 20, 2006 @ 10:19 am
with all due respect, EW.
did i win?
Comment by dgm — October 20, 2006 @ 12:38 pm
I already have a lock of your hair, thanks.
Comment by Pierce — October 20, 2006 @ 12:51 pm
Hmmm.
Perhaps with the aforementioned lock of hair, I can trade up for a new car!!! You know, like that one red paperclip thing!!! At the very least, I could sell it on ebay to finance the repairs to my current car……
I can only imagine the stir a lock of Pauly D’s hair would create. How will I know it’s really yours, though, Pauly? Will there be DNA authentication provided as well?
Comment by cdub — October 20, 2006 @ 12:53 pm
CDUB - Yes, the lock of hair will come with a certificate of authenticity, authenticated by the most authentic lock ‘o hair authenticators ever.
Comment by Pauly D — October 20, 2006 @ 12:56 pm
If you give it to me I can check it against the lock I already have. Then I can forward it on to cdub, or whatever. Assuming my word is good enough.
Comment by Pierce — October 20, 2006 @ 12:59 pm
From what part of your body
Comment by wood_song — October 20, 2006 @ 2:00 pm
Look, Pauly. I could go on and on about what giving me a lock of your hair will mean to me, but really, I think you need to understand what giving me a lock of hair will mean to you.
I know a prominent geneticist in DC who will be able to take a few strands of your hair and start cloning me a bouncing baby Paul. Over the next couple decades, I will raise this child to compete in Thunderdome-style cage matches. He will be feared and respected and covered in tattoos. Then, when you’re old and feeble, this younger, stronger, steel-hearted Pauly will join you to exact the revenge you so desperately seek against those who wronged you in the past.
Or maybe I’ll put the lock of hair in my hope chest with some potpourri and a souvenir Eiffel Tower. One or the other.
Comment by jenny — October 20, 2006 @ 2:19 pm
Jenny - All I have to say to you is this: if you can make cloned-Pauly much like Master Blaster from Thunderdome, and I can be the one of the two men entering and the one man who leaves…you may very well be the lucky one to receive the hair.
From my head.
Comment by Pauly D — October 20, 2006 @ 2:23 pm
Is the hair coming from your head, or some other part of your body? This is a critical detail.
Comment by monkeyinabox — October 20, 2006 @ 3:37 pm
Monkey - Lock. Of. Hair. From. My. Head.
Comment by Pauly D — October 20, 2006 @ 3:41 pm
Paul: We share the same vision for your future. And depending on how much money I can scrape together, I may also try to clone a small chorus of mini-me’s to sing, “We don’t need another hero! We just need to know the way home!”
Comment by jenny — October 20, 2006 @ 3:59 pm
Oh! I’ve seen this one:
I will use your lock of hair to impersonate you so that I can become an astronaut despite the fact that I have a heart murmur or whatever. Along the way I will fool Uma Thurman and confront my brother via fistfight.
Comment by JM — October 20, 2006 @ 4:55 pm
Oh!
Or, OR, after the world is all frozen for a long time and some aliens come back to restart me, I will use your lock of hair to bring you back so that we can hang out for one perfect day. You will bake me a birthday cake and we will sing songs. Also, my walking Teddy Ruxpin version 50.0 will be there. Mostly to give me advice and stuff.
Comment by JM — October 20, 2006 @ 4:59 pm
Pauly, it’s true. I like you. Some may even say to the point of obsession. I don’t know where anyone would get that idea. I’m sure it’s not the very large PD shrine I have made in your honor that I can conveniently break down and take with me on my weekly ‘promote Pauly D campaigns” at all the local Ohio bookstores. I’m sure it’s not the fact that I have one entire ipod designated for all things Pauly D. No. I have no idea why people say this about me. I like you but it’s all very balanced.
However, and please, don’t take this wrong, a lock of your hair is not something that my shrine, or my nano, or my other PD collections could benefit from. You have very lovely hair. Yes. But if I win, please send me a Pauly D action figure in lieu of the hair.
Sincerely, Pauly D’s Biggest Fan, Jacquie
Comment by jacquie — October 21, 2006 @ 6:36 am
Unless of course the lock of hair will bring me certain good luck. If so, please send it to me on a keychain.
Comment by jacquie — October 21, 2006 @ 6:41 am
So, I have a secret.
I don’t really tell people this but I have, since the early 90’s, been working on a project. It’s a little arts’n'craftsy, but at some point it became less of a hobby and more of religious pilgrimage (the kind where you don’t actually have to leave the house - well, except to go to the store, but more on that in a second).
It all began when, on a summer afternoon, I was at my sainted Great Aunt Doris’ house. Stuck there during the day as my mother worked and my father galavanted with whores and crackheads, I came across a the beginning of a local UHF channel’s afternoon movie.
My life was about to change, and I didn’t know it.
It started with a guitar, and then a high-pitched voice began the now familiar refrain.
“You can tell by the way I use my walk…”
And there he was. Tony Manero himself. Walking down the street. He was, indeed, a woman’s man and even if I’d had time to talk, I wouldn’t have been able too. I was mesmarized.
From this monumental, life-changing event sprang my project, nay, quest. I began making a life-sized model of Tony Manero.
Over the years, in pursuit of this project, I’ve taught myself to sculpt, tailor, whittle, cobble and paint. Today, I have a very realistic model of John Travolta, but only half a head of hair.
At first I started by simply learning the art of wig-making, but the nylon hair that is most often used just wasn’t realistic. So, I began collecting hair, any hair that I could, and then dying it.
The result has been an unfortunate hodgepodge of browns and blacks, none of which have come remotely close to the real color of John Travolta’s hair.
Which brings me to you, Pauly. Through a series of events which I can’t really go into (mostly because I’m embarrassed that I’ve devoted this much time to it, but also because some of the methods I’ve utilized are illegal in some states, though not in California), I’ve learned a thing or two about you.
For instance, you save your candy until the movie has started. You and Tom Cruise are archenemies. Also, you and Freddie Prinze, Jr. have a on again, off again friendship that could either be fodder for a beautiful romantic comedy or a slasher/stalker flick.
But the most interesting tidbit that I’ve learned about you is this: You and John Travolta share the EXACT same hair color.
Mohavian Waterchestnut.
As we speak, I have scientists waiting to help me duplicate the color provided that I can get a lock of hair from either you or John Travolta (It’s possible that Burt Lancaster may have had the same color, but his hair is gray now, so that’s a non-issue).
If I had a lock of your hair, I’d be able to put this near-obsessive journey I’ve undertaken since I was 11 years old and move on to more productive things in my life.
Namely, the lifesized model of Tatum O’Neil I began, roughly the time I hit puberty.
Thank you.
Comment by Dylan — October 21, 2006 @ 8:50 am
Dylan wins.
Send me your address and I’ll priority ship you the hair.
Comment by Pauly D — October 21, 2006 @ 10:04 am
Yesss….. Score.
Screw all of you! I am the champion!
Comment by Dylan — October 21, 2006 @ 10:50 am
What’s next?
a half eaten box of lucky charms?
Comment by Kathleen — October 22, 2006 @ 12:39 pm
Aaargh! My mad scientist plans of human cloning have once again been foiled. You may have won this one, Dylan, but I’ve got my eye on you. You and your snazzy white suit.
Comment by jenny — October 22, 2006 @ 6:27 pm
Pauly, you should not reward your stalkers like that.
Comment by jadepark — October 23, 2006 @ 5:57 pm
Jade - Why? Will something bad happen?
Comment by Pauly D — October 23, 2006 @ 6:02 pm
You can blog about whatever happens!
Comment by jadepark — October 23, 2006 @ 9:08 pm
Pauly, don’t you know anything about voodoo dolls? Your hair was probably all Dylan needed to complete his!
Whatever you do, don’t send it!
Comment by cutiepie — October 24, 2006 @ 4:06 am
There is not a chance that I would ever, ever try to create a voo-doo doll of Pauly D so that I could control his every move and make him do my bidding or punish him when I feel the whim. I also would never hold the feet of the doll above a lighter or stretch out its arms to the point where they would almost break off.
I would never do that. And, frankly. I’m insulted that you’d mention it, cutiepie.
Incidentally, what color hair do you have?
Comment by Dylan — October 24, 2006 @ 8:52 am